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Carers UK Forum • Partner with BPD
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Partner with BPD

Posted: Thu Oct 24, 2019 4:50 am
by HannaLucie
Hi everyone,
I don't really know where to start.. My partner has BPD, along with possible ADHD, anxiety, depression and alcoholism and while I love her very much, I feel like I can't cope anymore.
Anyone who lives with someone with BPD must understand how I'm feeling right now, it is heart breaking watching the person you love when they're in a rage, when they cry, when they don't want to get out of bed and when the smallest thing triggers it all.

But now I think I've got to a point where I need some support, to talk to someone who understands what I mean and some general advice really. I myself have suffered with long-term depression which doesn't help and the things that my partner can come out with when she's angry are absolutely awful. I know in my head she doesn't mean what she's saying when she's in a rage, but my heart breaks it really does and I try to tell myself in my head 'she doesn't mean it, it's just the BPD talking' but it really doesn't make it any easier!

I have tried ringing every possible charity, organisation and clinic in my area and not one of them have support groups for a partner of someone with BPD, only for the BPD sufferer themselves. I guess I just need to rant, to let out everything that's in my head, get support and advice and just feel like I can talk about it.

If anyone has any advice about how to make this all easier I would appreciate it.
Thank you.

Re: Partner with BPD

Posted: Fri Oct 25, 2019 12:46 pm
by bowlingbun
When did you last have a Carers Assessment from Social Services?
Did you ask the assessor if there are support groups for people with Mental Health issues? I know there is one fairly near me.

Re: Partner with BPD

Posted: Fri Oct 25, 2019 12:49 pm
by Chris From The Gulag

Re: Partner with BPD

Posted: Fri Oct 25, 2019 3:50 pm
by HannaLucie
Thank you for the replies,
I've never had a carers assessment before, I dont really see myself as a carer I guess because shes my partner, I love her.
I tried asking the place where she was diagnosed but they didnt have any information either.

Thank you for the links I'll have a look at them.

Re: Partner with BPD

Posted: Fri Oct 25, 2019 3:51 pm
by Chris From The Gulag
Your welcome.

Don't be put off if the nearest physical support group is 40+ miles away !

Re: Partner with BPD

Posted: Fri Oct 25, 2019 4:06 pm
by CrazyCatGentleman
This sounds a lot like my experience of caring for someone with cPTSD. Apparently there's a lot of misdiagnosis one way or the other.

My problem was I was pretty hard work myself for the first half of our relationship, so it's hard not to take any criticism on board and not be hurt.

Re: Partner with BPD

Posted: Sat Oct 26, 2019 5:46 pm
by Funky_tosn96
I feel that. The rage, you try to not take it personally but you are still human.

I've read so much around BPD and ways to support a loved one with it. One book "stop walking on eggshells" or something really helped. But I still shout back sometimes, I still cry like an idiot.

Sometimes I don't find the rage as terrible as the accusations and listening to him saying he has no one and he wants to leave and start again alone. And I'm there with my heart exposed trying to not take it personally.

I'm the supporting wall in his life, no feelings, opinions or beliefs. There when needed, ignored when not. One minute the source of all pain and wrong doing, the next the thing he needs to get through it all.

It's draining, I feel you.

Re: Partner with BPD

Posted: Thu Oct 31, 2019 4:50 pm
by HannaLucie
That sounds so much like my partner.
It is just so hard not to get hurt sometimes or argue back. 9 times out of 10 I can shut up and not say anything but that 1 time I do shout back cause it's ridiculous.. she thinks I'm awful and horrible for answering back.

Re: Partner with BPD

Posted: Fri Nov 01, 2019 1:43 pm
by Funky_tosn96
It's hard not to at times though, the anger and resentment for not being able to express your feelings build up until you explode.

Spend all the time validating and supporting, follow the books etc but if the other person isn't trying too then not much will change!

I'm sorry you are going through it too, I would definitely have a read of the walking on eggshells book just because it does remind you that it isn't personal and give some helpful tips on how to respond in high stress situations.

We are human, our feelings matter too and sometimes it's just too draining to be so understanding and supportive we have to focus on ourselves!

Re: Partner with BPD

Posted: Thu Nov 14, 2019 3:12 pm
by Liara
Hi, I'm new here and your situation sounds almost identical to my own. My partner has recently been diagnosed with BPD (say recently, our mental health hospital diagnosed her 3 years ago and we were only informed a couple of months ago!) which we already suspected as much. I've suffered with depression for over 10 years, and although recently I've come off medication, I'm finding how she treats me bringing me down. Not even the things she says, but the tone of voice she uses with me.

I was advised to join carers UK by the psych at the hospital, however we have a mental health place here where you can self refer to receive some counseling, it's not bpd specific but I've found it really useful in the past. Maybe speak to your GP to find out if there are any services you can access? I've also found it very useful joining Facebook groups for BPD, so that I can share experiences with others in a similar position. Just knowing you're not alone seems to help :)

There seems to be quite a few recommended books, but personally I haven't read any just yet. Hope some of what I've said may help.

Take care of yourself!