Not quite sure what to do next

[anthony1990uk]

Hi,

I'm new here. I have been a carer for my mum for the past 11 years now, I'm going to be 23 next month and graduated from university last year, I have been working full time for about 6 months now and really need to find out what more support I can get for my mum, she has had a history of mental illness and is currently on anti depressants, she is agoraphobic and hasn't left the house for several years now (about 6/7, I can't remember the last time she left the house), she has a occupational therapist (she did have one about 6 months ago but she left and mum got discharged so I had to go through the whole referral process again ). I'm not sure exactly who else she is under, she has a psychiatrist who visits every 3 months (her last appointment got messed up and double booked but he didn't turn up to either! again more things to try and sort out) but there is no CPN.

I just don't know where else to go to get help, I saw our doctor last week and he basically said she is under the care of the mental health team now, I told him how much I am struggling and it is impacting my work and personal life and he offered me sleeping tablets and anti depressants ( which I didn't want) he did tell me counselling might help, I have contacted where I used to go to but its is going to be a few weeks before I might be able to get an appointment.

Is there anything else or anyone I could contact? I have spoken to rethink and they offered some guidance but it is difficult because mum doesn't go out she cant access as much support. I had asked about short term supported living/rehabilitation but Mum wouldn't go there voluntarily and she isn't in as bad a place as when she was last sectioned. Although I say that in one way she is as she takes no personal care of herself whatsoever, she is missing a lot of her teeth (a long time ago she suffered from eating disorders and had a lot of dental work afterwards, she has taken no care of her teeth whatsoever and that prevents her from eating proper solid foods).

I just feel like she needs a big motivational boost but after 11 years of caring for her and hoping things will change I really don't feel like I can do it, to be honest I don't think I want to any more. Really I want (need!) to move out this year as I am so up and down at the moment it is effecting how I am feeling and my concentration at work.

Are there any other avenues I can try?

Thanks

Ant

[Nina Frances]

Can you speak to someone in the mental health team? Call Social Services and ask for an assessment of needs?

[anthony1990uk]

Can you speak to someone in the mental health team? Call Social Services and ask for an assessment of needs?

I called up yesterday to re arrange the psychiatrist to come out to see my mum after the appointment last week was booked incorrectly, I spoke to the psychiatrist and my mum's occupational therapist, the OT was pretty positive and said she would see what other support there is that might benefit my mum, she did say I need to drive home to my mum that she needs to work with the support she is getting else it won't continue, I have been saying this to her, I feel like a broken record the number of times I have said it! The psychiatrist said said a similar thing that she needs to work with the support she gets and be more proactive.

I got a message today and her next appointment with the OT isn't until the end of February (argh!!!) I just don't know what else to say to them, I explained how much it is impacting me and that I plan to move out this year but it still didn't seem to make them any more concerned.

Would the assessment of needs be for me or my mum?

I also wasn't sure if she should have a CPN or social worker? I will literally try any avenue right now

[Nina Frances]

Assessment of needs would be for yr mum. I think you could then ask for a carers assessment. Not too sure on it all as just got into adult services with my son.

[bowlingbun]

You need to ask Social/Adult Services to do a Carer's Assessment. This should give you the opportunity of explaining to them how you feel. I can't help but think that unless you make a stand, you are going to be endlessly acting as go between forever after. Say that from 1st September (or whenever) you will no longer be in a position to care for mum. Tell Social/Adult Services that they MUST arrange a package of care for mum, working with health, so she can live without permanently relying on you. I'm wondering if mum is manipulating everyone, by refusing to let people in so that you have to stay with her? As an adult you have a right to a life of your own, a wife, a home, babies. Is this ever going to happen in your current situation? There have been others on the forum who made the enormously difficult decision to move out, and there are others who are planning to do so. How you managed to graduate with all this going on at home is quite beyond me. Well done!

[anthony1990uk]

Thanks Nina, I wish you all the best with getting the support you need for your son

Assessment of needs would be for yr mum. I think you could then ask for a carers assessment. Not too sure on it all as just got into adult services with my son.

Thanks bowlingbun, that is exactly how I feel at the moment, just like I am speaking with the different services toing and froing between them and my mum, I think that is true, she can be very manipulative, I wasn't going out tonight but a couple of my friends asked if I wanted to meet up with them and she is now saying how lonely she is and she just wants to spend time with me, I told her I am trying to get her the help and support she needs so she isn't lonely and can go out, I know it must be daunting for her but things can't stay like this forever. I spoke to her about this and she said 'things will be ok' I have told her over and over again that nothing is going to change unless we both put the effort in. Thanks being here makes me feel less guilty about wanting to have my own life, I used to think that I must keep on going at home but this isn't good for either of us and I need to recognise that things might never get to a good place but there should be enough support in place that Mum can still have a life.

You need to ask Social/Adult Services to do a Carer's Assessment. This should give you the opportunity of explaining to them how you feel. I can't help but think that unless you make a stand, you are going to be endlessly acting as go between forever after. Say that from 1st September (or whenever) you will no longer be in a position to care for mum. Tell Social/Adult Services that they MUST arrange a package of care for mum, working with health, so she can live without permanently relying on you. I'm wondering if mum is manipulating everyone, by refusing to let people in so that you have to stay with her? As an adult you have a right to a life of your own, a wife, a home, babies. Is this ever going to happen in your current situation? There have been others on the forum who made the enormously difficult decision to move out, and there are others who are planning to do so. How you managed to graduate with all this going on at home is quite beyond me. Well done!