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New member Pat - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

New member Pat

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Pick your battle carefully. Don't try to change everything all at once, work on whatever irritates you most, or whatever you think you can change most easily. Softly, softly is probably best. Keep us posted.
Hello ladies hope you are all well .
It’s me again !
I am at such a loss at what to do about my daughter l don’t know where to turn .
I rang a person within Oxleas Mental health today for advice but the lady told me she couldn’t speak to me only my daughter , but she had been discharged anyway from them , she couldn’t wait to get rid of me ! She said the only person to speak to is her GP , who l have only met once, when l went along with my daughter to her appointment. He doesn’t know her or me as she has only been with her surgery for about 6 months .
I did what l set out to do some weeks ago and told my daughter l was not going to stand for her attitude and that was that , and it worked in that she is pleasant but l know the underlying condition is still there by the way she reacts to me . This is killing me ! When l am at her house she has no conversation she just puts stuff on the telly whilst l chatter like a budgie trying to get some kind of rapport going . I saw she had control over her reactions , when l told her l wasn’t going to stand for it anymore so yesterday l had another talk and tried to get her to think about things between us , of course it ended with raised voices , mostly mine as she gets me so frustrated , she will not listen to anything l say and has an answer to everything . I tried to just be calm , and mostly l was . I begged her to just think about us , the past , and what went wrong . She said it was just mother and daughter stuff but l know there’s more to it that that , after all that’s what l put it down to for years unaware it could be more than that . The talk finished with her completely closing down and refusing to talk anymore !
She attended a course at UCLH last year and recently received the findings of the CBT therapist .
I knew my daughter had moaned about me , at the course ,to the therapist because l got called in and roasted by the therapist which was just awful , even though l was really upset the therapist did not stop and told me l should go for counselling, family therapy and actually made me feel like l was the sole reason for my daughters problems and it’s me who needs therapy . I was so so upset that l couldn’t go near my daughter for some days l cannot bear her lies , delusions what ever they are any more , l wanna be loved !
My daughter slags me off to anyone who will listen even though l have cared for her for the past year after her suicide attempt putting everything else to one side ,putting my marriage on the line , whilst she hated me most of the time
It’s so hard to keep giving and giving and only getting contempt in return , l can’t handle it .
I am extremely worried that if this doesn’t get sorted it will not help her recovery to full health , mental and physical . I believe it played a huge part in her abuse , if she meets someone l am sure it will rear it’s ugly head again , she’s had enough !
Help !
I do realise that at the end of the day this looks like my word against hers she can justify anything .
She tells everyone l am mad so how do l handle this ?
Her GP doesn’t know me so how will anyone get to the bottom of it ?
She lies .
A lot .
Patricia_1712 wrote:
Wed Feb 07, 2018 10:33 am
I knew my daughter had moaned about me , at the course ,to the therapist because l got called in and roasted by the therapist which was just awful , even though l was really upset the therapist did not stop and told me l should go for counselling, family therapy and actually made me feel like l was the sole reason for my daughters problems and it’s me who needs therapy . I was so so upset that l couldn’t go near my daughter for some days l cannot bear her lies , delusions what ever they are any more , l wanna be loved !
Pat, this is appalling unprofessional behaviour on the part of the therapist. Was she selected and paid for privately by your daughter? If she was NHS or LA, I would urge you to put in a complaint about this. No counsellor or therapist should take sides in this way - and most certainly not dump her own personal emotions all over a relative!
It’s so hard to keep giving and giving and only getting contempt in return , l can’t handle it .
I am extremely worried that if this doesn’t get sorted it will not help her recovery to full health , mental and physical . I believe it played a huge part in her abuse , if she meets someone l am sure it will rear it’s ugly head again , she’s had enough !
Help !
if she won't play, I can only suggest you salvage yourself and walk away. Maybe just take a break from her for a few weeks. That might give you time to recover and give her something to think about. However, from the sound of it, I very much doubt she will change in the short term. Perhaps, in a decade or so... but now, sadly, it seems she's determined to block you out. If you can cope with that, fine... but you're not really coping at the moment, are you? So a break might be a good thing.
Yes l thought it was very unprofessional too and l did complain to pals ( it was a DNS course at UCLH nhs ) and the consultant rang me and l told her all about it , she said the therapist would be mortified how she had made me feel but when l saw her again lfelt that the therapist had not had any communication with the consultant and l just wasn’t taken seriously at all and was made to feel a total idiot ! ( perhaps l flipping am )
No more was done about it .

I feel very sorry for myself with the state of our relationship lol but l cannot believe that nothing can be done ! Is that what the nhs has come to leaving people to drown in their own sweat !
I do worry for her future .
She does not have one iota of doubt that she is right . She will not even consider there are any grains of truth in what l say at all .
The good thing is she can look after herself cook wash etc and she was doing an online food order yesterday , the last hurdle to independence.
There are a few things she can’t do like change the bed and leave the house alone . That is not gonna change anytime soon so l do that and take her to her appointments.

I can’t walk away entirely so l suppose l will just have to get in with it knowing that this thing is in her head and cannot be fixed .
It’s not right !
If it's in her head, it can only be fixed by her when (and if ever) she's ready.

You are hurting you self by trying to change her and by stepping in all the time.

You can preserve your own mental health and stress by stepping back and being clear what you will do for her and when, and really only in response to a direct request from her. Doing too much, or doing things too soon are only letting her stay the same as there is little or no motivation for her to change.
Yes it's hard to watch but you have to toughen up and stop being her whipping boy. While in her mind it's all your fault, she attaches no responsibility to herself, yet she has to grow up and be responsible (if she ever chooses that route but again if she doesnt it's her choice, no matter how bad that choice )

Kr
MrsA
Hey Mrs Average

It does seem to be the case that l just have not any influence with her at all .
I just wanted her to think about us and see how irrationally her mind works about me .
As you say it has to come from her , she will not listen to me and nobody else will either !
This afternoon she sent me a really snotty patronising message
“ l think it would be good if you could change your perspective to a positive one which is that you are caring for me and assisting me with things l can’t do by myself in order to get better . Maybe you could take some time to think about that . “

She expects me to help her even though all l get is nothing nothing nothing there is absolutely no relationship between us , she has more of a relationship with a stranger .
I said to her l could step down as carer maybe she should could have a think about that .

I think it will happen , l have had it , she is totally selfish , self obsessed and a big fat liar .
I have done my bit , nursed her back to life , now she will have to sort it out for herself , there are such things as cabs , which is what she wants me for , she won’t like paying but hey that’s life !!!
Patricia_1712 wrote:
Wed Feb 07, 2018 12:05 pm
Yes l thought it was very unprofessional too and l did complain to pals ( it was a DNS course at UCLH nhs ) and the consultant rang me and l told her all about it , she said the therapist would be mortified how she had made me feel but when l saw her again lfelt that the therapist had not had any communication with the consultant and l just wasn’t taken seriously at all and was made to feel a total idiot ! ( perhaps l flipping am )
No more was done about it .
Next time, follow up with PALS to ask what action is taken. If there is no action, take it further. What happened to you is disgraceful. Neither should you accept what the therapist said to you - if she she lets her emotions override her training, I don't see that anything she told you is reliable - it's all coloured by her feelings.
I feel very sorry for myself with the state of our relationship lol but l cannot believe that nothing can be done ! Is that what the nhs has come to leaving people to drown in their own sweat !
As long as someone is capable of making their own decisions, I'm not sure what they can do. No one can force your daughter to do anything she doesn't want, unless she becomes a danger to herself to such a degree she needs to be sectioned. Add in the resources issue in MH, and it becomes simple for nothing to be done. :cry:

There are a few things she can’t do like change the bed and leave the house alone. That is not gonna change anytime soon so l do that and take her to her appointments.
You could refuse and tell her to request a care assessment.
It’s not right !
No, it's not. But I suspect it's extremely common.
Pat, reading your latest posts I have just checked back to your original one, as I was wanting to remind myself how old your daughter was - I was thinking she was maybe only 18-20, and so that would explain, maybe, some of the behaviour she's been displaying, and maybe to 'cut her some slack' on account of her youth, because she's only just heading into adult hood, and therefore, as all parents know, at that age they know 'everything'.

But I was gobsmacked to read she was 42!

Pat, to my mind that changes everything. It's WAY past the age where she can expect ANY slack now. She should obviously know better, and she should obviously be able to take responsibility for her own life.

She isn't doing either, and she is therefore, to my mind, totally and unambiguously, not YOUR responsibility any longer. She's a middle aged woman ,and it's her life, and if she wants to spend it miserable and accusing and lying (etc etc) then let her get on with it!

She really deserves no further consideration from you.

That's sad, and I'm sure it must be very painful for any parent to see a child who has totally screwed up their own life, and refused to sort themselves out, but so it is.

Leave her to it. Do NOTHING for her any more. And I mean NOTHING.

She has to learn that if she wants any further contact with you, to change her tune, and accept responsibility for the mess her life is, and to treat you with respect and decency. Or you cut her out of your life.

You say you 'just want to be loved'....but that would require a daughter capable of loving, and she isn't it. It's not your fault at this state - she's had two decades to take responsibility for herself, to become a decent, well-adjusted, emotionally balanced person, and she's failed to do that. The fault is now in HER. The past is a LONG time ago, and she either comes to terms with it, or you just leave her to tew in her own miserable juice.

You're a mother hen fussing over a chick that stopped being a chic two decades ago. Now she's a bolshy middle aged woman, and you are DONE with her. PLEASE stop wishing for the moon.

There's a saying 'Don't feed the monster' and by continually hoping she will love you, by her knowing that you are always 'on call' for her, you are, alas, feeding the monster inside

Leave her alone.

I could adapt the old joke to 'How many mothers does it take to fix a screwed up daughter? None. The screwed up daughter has to learn to fix herself'.

She won't face these issues UNTIL you leave her alone and stop hovering around her and trying to make her love you.

Don't waste any more of your precious life on her UNTIL she wises up, takes responsibility for herself, and faces the truth she is hiding from, and lying about.

Just stay out of it for now. She'll survive. She always will. She's not a vulnerable teen/young adult - she's a hardboiled, manipulative, fantasy-spwawning, self-obsessed middle aged woman.
Thank you all so so much
Your advice has been invaluable to me to get my head straight .
I know you are right and l know l have to be strong and set her free otherwise l fear for my own sanity !
I had to try to get her to think about what gone down between us , l am not the enemy but she thinks she is always right .
I do fear for her future but she has to put some effort in and stop being so self obsessed!
I just wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart .
Thank you .
P .