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Carers UK Forum • Need some advice
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Need some advice

Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2017 8:57 pm
by Danielle_170112
My partner has depression and thoughts of ending his life. Weve been together for around a year and a half and i love him to bits. i cannot picture my world without him.

He told me he is having doubts about our relationship. he also said hes confused because he doesnt know if its the depression or if the doubts are actually what he feels.

I want to work through this, i want to help him.

Before this down spell hes having we were planning our future, we were going to have a house and planned on having children and getting married.

He says he still loves me.

i honestly think that this is the depression.

I dont want to lose him because he cant see past the depression. I just want him to understand that i love him and i will stick by him through everything if hell let me

Re: Need some advice

Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2017 9:32 pm
by Elaine
Is your partner on any medication Danielle? Welcome by the way. Just wanted to say Hi because I've no experience and can't be much help to you. Others on here have and will no doubt. I hope he is getting some help. It's a hard road you are choosing.
KR
E.

Re: Need some advice

Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2017 9:43 pm
by jenny lucas
Danielle, hi - and welcome. How very frightening that your partner mentions ending his life. I do hope you have found the specialist sites and forums which surely must exist for partners of those who are assailed by such darkest thoughts. We will do our best here, and yes, grimly, it isn't a subject that is unknown on the forum, but do also, please, I would urge you, also look up the specialist 'anti-suicide' sites and forums. Do consider phoning Samaritans as well. I would think that they have such experience that they will be able to tell from what he saying 'how bad' (or, hopefully, not) he is, and how best you should behave now, and what you can best do to support him.

First off, though, is he in treatment for his depression? Sometimes those with depression compound their problems by refusing to seek or accept treatment (sometimes they even deny there is anything wrong). Also, even when they have been prescribed anti-depressants, they refuse to take them - or lapse, and then the depression surges back.

You mention a 'down spell' - so is his depression 'periodic' so to speak? Has he had it before (pre-you), and if so, when. How did he cope then?

Do you have any idea what might have 'triggered' this current bout? Have there been anything 'bad' happening in his life, or does it just seem to be 'causeless' from what you can tell (eg, maybe it's just an alteration in his brain chemistry that can't really be seen....)

It's difficult to know whether his doubts about your relationship is 'real' or as you say, a manifestation of his depression ('unreal'). Do you think he feels 'threatened' by the closeness of your relationship - eg, that he feels 'crushed' or 'stressed' by having you 'so close' in his life? Does he fear the long-term impact of his deperession (and so wants to 'end it before it ends itself' sort of thing)

I'm only throwing these things out, in case any of them resonate with you. As I say, it's a frightening time, and I do hope you are getting the support you are needing from, say, your GP.

Wishing you as well as may be - kind regards, Jenny

Re: Need some advice

Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2017 9:52 pm
by Danielle_170112
Thanks for the replies guys,

He is on anti-depressents and sleeping tablets. he has been seen by the crisis team and is on a waiting list for talking matters. He is aware of the depression and is seeking help.

He has over a few years been depressed and has episodes every few months it seems.

he hasnt really explained the doubts hes having just said hes having them.

Re: Need some advice

Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2017 10:25 pm
by Sometimes
Hi. I can only offer advice from dealing with a depressed partner.
However, is he getting seen by a psychiatrist along with the crisis team?
It's important as they have a much wider knowledge of psychiatric drugs than a GP.
You may have to nag the team to get the appointments , as resources get stretched non-complainers get lower priority.

Re: Need some advice

Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2017 9:39 am
by jenny lucas
Danielle, very glad to hear that he's not in denial and is in treatment, and hope the counselling/therapy comes along soon (do please check he's responding to contact with them - my niece, who has chronic depression, either didn't, or was told she hadn't, and then got told that because she hadn't replied to a communication she'd been put to the back of the queue....also, make sure there is a WRITTEN reply - either a conserved text or an email - as with the shortage of cash I wouldn't be surprised if the NHS start 'pretending' that someone hasn't replied - the longer they can put off offering someone an (expensive!) therapy session, the less money they spend in that period etc etc etc.)

As for the 'doubts' - it may be, you know, that the idea of 'committment' is spooking him (after all, it spooks loads of blokes!!!!!), and so why not just take some of the pressure off him and instead of saying ' But I love you totally!' which he may interpret as 'pressure', rather than reassurance, you 'back off' a little and simply say 'Well, it seems to be working well enough, and we enjoy things together, so let's just sit back and enjoy the ride while it's good......we don't have to worry about the future, we'll just make the most of today.' He may find that easier to cope with.

With respect of his bouts of depression, are they 'regular' or kicked off by anything in particular, and can you see any kind of 'pattern' in it?