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Need a rant - Carers UK Forum

Need a rant

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Hi I need to have a rant if that's OK although I'm open to ideas or thoughts . My son moved into supported living 2 weeks ago and I was amazed at how well he settled. He has aspergers as well as schizophrenia so usually doesn't cope with change. We helped him with food money advice practical and emotional help. On Monday night he asked if he could stay at home as he was struggling and I said yes. My poor husband went to pieces having panic attacks and even crying as even tho he loves my son we have been through so much and he has enjoyed not having to worry. It was a waste of time staying to be honest as he didn't want to talk and stayed awake all night while we were asleep then sleeping all day. He did go back home and today rang me saying he couldn't cope . I offered to go round to talk but he didn't want to see anyone. He said his care co ordinator had been round today but he didn't mention any of this to her. He was shouting down the phone to me and every time I suggested anything he shouted me down so I did a really mature thing and ended the call . I've tried ringing and texting and his phone is switched off I feel sad and angry at the same time
I guess in a way, you know, this is a version of all young people's 'panic at home leaving'....but in an extreme form because of your son's mental fragility???

I wonder whether you could 'strike a deal' with him? Would you agree to have him live away from you during the week, and then come 'home home' to you for the weekend, so that he is, in effect a 'weekly boarder' in his supported place.

That might reassure him that he has a 'lifeline' to take him back 'home home' and might possibly help him manage his panic and reluctance to be 'banished' to 'adult life and responsibility'???

I'm not saying he should be a permanent 'weekender' with you, but simply for the first six months or so, until he 'adapts across' to living away from home.

I know my own son, now living away from home 'permanently' still enjoys coming 'home home' to get 'home comforts' and some 'cossetting' from good old Mum. I think he finds it comforting, too, in a way, to be reminded of his own childhood??

My apologies if none of this is appropriate for your son's particular needs. I just wanted to say that 'leaving home' can be a big, big, big thing for all young folk, irrespective of any extra level of complications, such as what your son copes with.

Hoping things improve - kindest wishes, Jenny
Thanks for your reply jenny. When he first was offered this place I did suggest he came home at weekends but he didn't want to do this as he has a lot more freedom there having friends round at night things like that . Plus it's not very far away and we see each other several times a week. Also I have to think of my husband's mental health he had a breakdown in the past and these last 2 weeks I have seen a fantastic change in him . Not that I'm choosing my husband over my son but my husband said it wI'll strengthen their bond not having to deal with everything we have endured . I know this makes me sound harsh and I know it's scary leaving home but I really am making every effort to help him going round whenever I'm needed and inviting him round for tea he also has support workers when needs them
Rant away if you need. You are doing the right thing in my opinion. Your son will settle I'm sure, and will be ok at the accommodation. He may be ' testing 'you. You and your husband have a right to some time to yourselves and indeed deserve it. Your son knows deep down you are there for him, and will support him in settling. Deep breath, early days yet. ((( Hugs)))
Thank you pet for your kind words and hugs. I just went round to his flat to make sure he was ok and to apologise only to have him slam the door in my face ! I'm shocked and hurt after all we have done to help him being there for him night and day I'm sitting here in bits now . He has a Dr's appt on Monday that he doesn't know about yet if he doesn't go to it then he doesn't get a sick note and his money will stop. I can't get him to it if he won't communicate. Sorry if I'm rambling I'm probably not making much sense
You are making sense. I'm so sorry you had the door slammed in your face.Hes rejected you in the past hasn't he? It's the illness not your son. Playing mind games. Are you able to let the supported living staff that he has a doctor's appointment? After all, it's supported living, and keeping doctor's appointments is part of the support they offer. Maybe you need to take a step back, extremely hard as it is. I do honestly understand that, as I have to step back from my husband's care, heartbreakingly, and oversee the care he receives. It's a different scenario I know, but I feel you pain.
Pet that's a good idea I hadn't even thought of that probably cos I'm not thinking straight! I'll try and see him tomorrow as that was arranged before this but if I get the same treatment I'll contact his support worker. I know it's his illness but it still hurts
Morning Debra.
I do hope you've managed some sleep. I know what it's like, early hours, with the situation rolling round your head seeming even worse and despairing. We all probably do.
Yes, even though it's the illness of the person causing them to be hurtful, it doesn't stop the pain, or love for them.
Hope today brings some peace for you.
Thanks pet you got it exactly I slept until 3.30 which amazed me but sInce then I've gone through every scenario in my head. I think he has smashed his phone as he hasn't been on Facebook since so I literally have no way to communicate with him. I can't even put a letter through his door as his post box is a locked box in the main hallway which he totally forgets about unless I remind him. I'm going to try another visit this evening hoping he has cooled off so watch this space
Just another thought, but I wonder if one of the other residents (I take it there are several people living there??)(sorry if that's not so!) has upset him in some way?

In your first post you said he'd phoned you initially to say he couldn't cope - I'm wondering what precisely he meant by that, in terms of what it is that 'set him off' like this?? ie, whether it was something specific, rather than just a feeling of being away from 'home home' (ie, you.)

I do appreciate you have to tread delicately, and especially since your husband is now 'surfacing' again so to speak after all the stress and emotion you've been under to achieve this level of independence for your son.

Hoping everything calms down and things get positive again.

Kindest wishes, Jenny