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Re: My daughter has BPD

Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2018 8:37 pm
by StarFish_1502
Hi Gemma

My son, diagnosed with schizophrenia, has ups and downs all the time. When he is 'getting bad' he tends to be very sensitive to perceived criticism and frequently flies into a rage. I say 'perceived' because often what someone says is not intended as criticism at all. He also gets into trouble with the police because they, understandably, are not going to pussyfoot around him if he is shouting and carrying on in the street. Hence several charges of Disorderly Behaviour. He never seems to learn, which suggests he might not be able to control his mood at these times.

However, during one hospital stay he was treated with Depakote, which is used for people in the manic phase of bipolar. This certainly calmed him down. If you follow this link: ... -disorder/

you'll see that to 'be angry or irritable, especially if someone contradicts or questions you' is a symptom of bipolar-like mania.

I wonder if any of this might be helpful in handling your daughter?

Re: My daughter has BPD

Posted: Tue Jan 30, 2018 9:11 am
by jenny lucas
Ah, I may have got hold of the wrong end of the stick - I was understanding Borderline Personality Disorder, rather than Bipolar.

I do think - and now I'm going TOTALLY out on a limb, and experts (ie, those who have had to cope with severe MH in their carees) may well shoot me down in flames, but I personally always distinguish between COGNITIVE disorders/illnesses, like schizophrenia, which affect the patient's ability to understand the world (and themselves), and AFFECTIVE disorders/illnesses, like personality disorders and depression, which are just about how they feel.

To my mind, the former are the serious MH illnesses. The latter are far more (to my jaundiced mind!) far more about 'egoistical self-obsession' (!) (???????????????????) and/or life-trauma-induced maladaptation. Th

I probably ought to back out of this thread now, as my own prejudices are showing up pretty screamingly! (in my defence, I cite my own life-trauma-induced maladtation to having been raised by a mother who may, yes, have had schizophrenia, but also definitely had a PD as well, that made her highly self-obsessed!

The bottom line with all MH is that it is SO hard to determine just what the sufferer COULD do IF they 'made an effort''s SO hard for outsiders like me to know where the 'responsibility line' starts....or ends.

Re: My daughter has BPD

Posted: Tue Jan 30, 2018 2:06 pm
by StarFish_1502
Actually, Jenny, I think you have the right end of the stick and I'm wrong. DBT (dialectical behavoiur therpay) is used for Borderline.

Apologies to Gemma, and perhaps she could enlighten us?

Re: My daughter has BPD

Posted: Sat May 05, 2018 9:50 am
by Karen_1805
My daughter has BPD and is and now pregnant which seems to have made her behaviour even worse. She drains me always wanting me and no one else. Her younger sister is due to give birth and wants some time with her Mum, understandably, but BPD sister is doing everything she can to get my attention. Feel like I'm being torn in two. Sorry if that sounds dramatic, just the way I feel.

Re: My daughter has BPD

Posted: Sat May 05, 2018 12:45 pm
by Kathy_1805
Hi Gemma and everyone else! A very useful thread and especially the Teflon Coat advice and link to the online course.
My daughter is spending most of her time in bed and despite great potential has stopped going to college - she is due to do A Levels shortly and has offers from Bristol and Oxford ....

How are things with you now Gemma? I try every single method to try and get her up and about but to no avail.

Re: My daughter has BPD

Posted: Sat May 05, 2018 4:21 pm
by MrsAverage
Hi Kathy
I'm pleased - you found this thread as I was going to reply to your other post and say exactly the same as i did earlier i this one :)

With your daughter do not worry if she misses a levels or uni this time around. Better she gets herself sorted now and restarts studies when she is more capable. My boy went to uni, hated every minute, told no one, got lower and lower. Ended up wasting 3 years and still came out with the debts and no degree.

You may find totally taking the pressure off her that none of it needs doing now helps her. BUT at the same time she gets no food or drink delivered to her room ,no clean washing or ironing. Whatever she needs she comes down for, and she has to go to the shop for milk or tea or biscuits, whatever gets her out of the house. Be warned she will fight and rebel and it may take weeks or months but she has to start taking responsibility for herself, supported , encouraged and praised by you.

How and when was she diagnosed? Was she prescribed meds she's not taking?

Re: My daughter has BPD

Posted: Sat May 05, 2018 4:34 pm
by Kathy_1805
Hello Mrs A
Thank you - I'll have to think about setting some ground rules. At the moment I suppose I treat her like I would if she had a bad case of flu , asking her if she needs anything, if I can get her anything etc.

What worries me is the impact on her if she can't sit her exams this time around - we've been through this scenario before. She was diagnosed about six months ago. Before hand it was "just" depression and anxiety. She tried anti-depressants with mixed results beforehand. The psychiatrist recommended no medication after BPD was diagnosed but cognitive analytical therapy instead but i couldn't get her to go to the appointments!

We have another appointment at the end of this month with Mental Health. I have booked sessions with a private counsellor too but she hasn't gone to those either.

Thanks for your support and advice

Re: My daughter has BPD

Posted: Sat May 05, 2018 4:52 pm
by MrsAverage
It certainly doesn't sound like she's in a good enough place mentally now to face the stress of exams and uni. Delaying one , two or even a few years would give her time to heal. Keeping the pressure on now isn't helping her or you.
Our advice 're our son was to step back and let him learn himself. After a couple of false starts and back tracks we now see results. I'm talking 3 years in now. Anything mental health wise is excruciatingly slow, and you have to slow your timetables and expectations too. It's hard, but do you want your daughter to break further?

Start with little things. Our first achievement was getting out then 22 year old to take a letter to the post box!


Re: My daughter has BPD

Posted: Sat May 05, 2018 7:39 pm
by jenny lucas
Karen, hi - do you want your own thread, to save you from getting muddled up with Kathy (same initials - help!)? If so, the mods will separate out your posts for you.

As for your daughters, well, I'm afraid I think the one with BDP will have to 'go without' for a bit, won't she? Of course she won't 'accept' it - but we have to give up on hoping they will 'agree' to anything that they will see as 'neglect'. Sadly, she is probably a 'bottomless pit of need', alas, and so you can NEVER give her 'enough' attention.

In a way, though, that is actually quite a 'useful' thing for you to take on board. Since you can NEVER give her 'enough' attention, you might as well give some attention to your non-BDP daughter. After all, your BDP daughter won't be 'happy' either way, will she? But taking a bit of your attention away from her and giving it to your non-BDP daughter, WILL make your non-BDP daughter happier!

Sadly, just because your BDP daughter is 'unhappier' doesn't mean she has a 'right' to an 'unfair' amount of your attention. Her BDP is not your fault, is it. And your non-BDP daughter should not be neglected.

Your DP daughter will ALWAYS be unhappy - you can't cure it. Only she can tackle it, if she has the will power and strength of mind to do so. If not, she'll go on being unhappy all her life. Her problem, not yours.

(Your role is to support her to help herself....not to try and help her yourself. You can't, so there is no point.)

Re: My daughter has BPD

Posted: Sat May 05, 2018 7:42 pm
by jenny lucas
Sorry, by the way, if that sounds a bit 'harsh'. But I have quite a lot of MH in my family, and I've seen the damage that the members with MH can do to the rest of us. It's made me tougher about them.

Took me a LONG time to realise that I - and all the other non-MH members - could do NOTHIGN to make the MH ones (my mum and neice mosty), happier. So, in the end, I gave up. Their problem.

ie, only THEY can make themselves happier. They can't 'leach' endlessly off others. That doesn't do them any good at all, and only prolongs their misery. And it certainly prolonged my misery!