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Mental health meltdown - Page 4 - Carers UK Forum

Mental health meltdown

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
108 posts
Good evening
I find it difficult because he is so adamant that any MH experienced in later life does not stem from childhood. When I look back at the verbal attack what I see is him being not at all happy that I did not agree with him in certain issue's. He always likes to point out that he is a intelligent man, he does not like his opinions being questioned. In a way it was as though he does not want me to succeed in my course because then I have achieved something, I am intelligent enough to complete it and a almost threat to his intelligence. That sounds silly but that's the best way I can describe it. It's almost as though as a woman I am inferior, that woman should be stereotypical. He defiantly has a problem with females in authority. Maybe this is a link somewhere. At tines in the past even before his MH began he could throw out cruel, derogatory words. I try to put pieces together to see if I can see thing's that may help me understand. I hope this makes some sense. He rarely has any consideration for people's feelings and its extremely rare for him to apologize even when he is in the wrong. I think it is possible he has a completely different MH illness to what was originally diagnosed. Sorry for waffling on
Yes, well, I don't like my opinions questioned either, but I have to accept the fact that other people (a) have opinions that may be contrary to mine and (b) they might actually be RIGHT!

You raise profound and difficult questions about what makes us the people who we are. I do think it quite 'bizarre' perhaps is the word that he thinks our childhoods are not connected to our adult mental state, as this seems to me to be a no brainer! Put it the other way round - how could what happens to us in childhood possibly NOT affect the way we are as adults! It would be highly illogical to think that we are NOT affected by our past experiences!

That said, I also wonder whether the person you describe falls into the neuro-a-typical type of personality?? If he likes his own opinions, doesn't want his world view challenged at all, and can be highly insensitive to anyone else's feelings there is, I guess, maybe (???) a chance he is non-neurotypical, ie, falls somewhere on the ASD spectrum? The (even more controversial!) possibiolity of 'psychopathic' also rears its head (thought I think if he ever seems genuinely upset about himself - ie, if he can feel grief for HIMSELF in any way at all, I doubt he is psychopathic...as psychopaths are exemplified by an inability to feel about anything, including themselves).

I tend to agree with you therefore that his 'issues' around women, and women+authority in particular, as referring in some way to his 'mother-complex' (for want of a better phrase). In that light a 'powerful woman' (ie, a woman who has any of the trappings that society confers power with, eg, someone with some form of 'qualitifications' etc, or a woman who feels sufficiently 'powerful' personaly to 'dare' to express an opinion of her own!) could seem 'threatening/' to him, as the one female in his life who DID have power over him (ie, his mum) used it to abandon him.

Personally,I would think that it is SUCH a 'no brainer' to associated in some way his current MH illness and his childhood experience of abandonment by his mother, that the onus is on him to PROVE OTHERWISE!

In other words, if he doesn't think that being abandoned and rejected by his mother in his childhood (how old was he and his brother) is the/a cause of his current MH, then what does he think IS causing his MH??

Unkless he can come up with a theory of its causation that is more convincing that the theory that his abandonment by his mother in childhood is the cause of his trauma, the it's the 'no brainer' one that is convincing.
Good Morning Jenny
Thank you for your reply, he has his first psychiatrist session today. I asked him to be totally honest about how he is feeling and has felt. I think he will dismiss any discussion about his childhood because he is adamant that there is no link. I 100% believe that thing's that impact our childhoods greatly do play a huge part in our adult life. He was 10 I think when mom left. The question of him feeling guilt for himself I do not know. He can say the most awful things to a person in a argument and feel absolutely no remorse for saying it...an example of this.....he once looked me straight in the face and said he wished I would hurry up and die. That was many many years ago but considering I am the mother of his child it was extreme. No one ( including myself) will escape his verbal wrath. He can wish the most awful things on people without a second thought. When he has come out with things like this he sees the shock and disbelief on my face but just shrugs his shoulders and says" what,am I being a little harsh?" He is a deeply troubled man that is clear and I hope after a few sessions with his psychiatrist they may begin to unlock the reasons as to why he is the way he is. I haven't written to his psychiatrist yet,I will do though. I was considering talking to the CPN,he did after we had spoken to him tell both my ex and myself if we needed to talk or access advice on anything we could contact him.
Again thank you for your replies it really does help
I'd have packed and gone long ago. Why do you feel you have to put up with this verbal abuse? It's vile. Not often I write like this, but it seems that you've tolerated it for so long that it's somehow accepted. I always avoid nastiness of any kind, will always choose to walk away instead.
Good morning Bowling bun
I have absolutely no idea why I listen, that was back then and now I choose not to. I did get a verbal rant a couple of days ago and I dismiss it now. I actually owe him nothing,my time,my support... nothing. He has a disgusting mouth that will one day get him into trouble.
I sent off all my paperwork to begin my course, that and my son are my focus
He actually doesn't warrant my time and energy, I think I thought I had too because he's my child's father but I know I owe nothing
I do hope the course goes well, and marks a huge turning point in your life. It certainly was for me.
He is your ex! Walk away now, knowing you have done everything in your power to help. It hasn't worked, you are still in bits, in my opinion.. Reward yourself for trying and find some peace and happiness. Love does not have to be at any price. Especially the price you have already paid.
Thank you for your lovely replies
If he wants to get better he will do everything he can to achieve this. He is my ex and I do not really know why I thought it was down to me to help,maybe because he's my child's father. I am moving forward positively with my son. He is the only important person to me. He's a happy, confident child now and that is how I intend him to stay. He was affected in the beginning by his dad's mental health but he is so much better now. I have beautiful children and a beautiful family and friends and feel truly blessed
Just in brief - dashing!

I would wonder if the extreme harshness and cruelty he's expressed towards you (eg, 'hurry up and die') is him seeing you as his 'mother' - ie, he is both 'testing you' (will she abandon me if I am horrible to her, or does she love me enough to stay with me even so), and also 'bringing it about' (no wonder she left me, look how horrible I'm being, I don't deserve to have her), and he's also 'punishing' her (look, you abandoned me, so I'm going to punish you by saying vile things to you).

Did you ever try saying equally cruel things back to him? I wonder how he would/did react if you did? Did he 'take exception' (!) or did he just shrug it off?

To be abandoned at 10 is a really bad age- obviously no age is 'good' but some are less bad than others - much younger and he might not have been able to 'think' about it, only 'feel' and if he were in his teens the outside world would be beckoning anyway,. but ten is right in the middle.

I know I bang on about you writing to the psych, but I do think it's vital. That said, I'm sure any psych worth their salt starts to draw out childhood issues - and if they sense your ex is reluctant, or hiding, or camouflaging or lying in some way, they will know there is 'pus' down there someone to be lanced and cleaned out. But like I say, your writing to them would fast-forward this process.

As for yourself, yes, back off now, he's starting to 'lash out in anger and pain' like a wounded tiger that's being cornered by those who want to try and treat his wound - he can't tell the difference from them, ie, the vets, and the hunters who would just slaughter him.
Re your last post - totally agree!

At some point, talking about his dad and the way he is will be helpful to your son, but maybe no just yet. Children need to understand that sometimes people can be 'ill and in pain in their heads/minds' as well as in their bodies

I'm sure that, because you and your son have such a good, strong, loving relationship, he will immediately understand how dreadful it was for his dad to be abandoned and rejected by his mother.
108 posts