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Mental health meltdown - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Mental health meltdown

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
108 posts
Thank you Jenny
He was having a bad period before Christmas,both his pips and ESA stopped due to being deemed for for work. That's in the process of appeal at the moment. That didn't help his already low mood,this and other factors contributed to his decline. Ad I said things are slowly getting back on track. Thank you for your replies they really were a help
Good morning
Update on my ex partners situation, he starts his sessions with a psychiatrist on Tuesday which has been desperately needed. This will help him hugely and I do think he needs a mental health reassessment. I've got a advocacy worker to assist him with his benefits, problems he had experienced with his GP and any other area's he may need a voice to help his needs be met. He's had a awful few months but things are beginning to look more positive. People often ask me why I take the time to help someone who caused me so much pain in the past? The answer is simple, the past is the past and it serves us no benefit dwelling on it. He is my child's father and as such I will do my best to ensure he has every opportunity to begin to get somewhat back to himself, so my child and his father have the close relationship they had before the darkness of a mental health illness turned all our world upside down
Chridtine, that sounds such a healthy approach to take. He is very lucky to have someone like you looking out for him, and will give your son the best possible chance of having some sort of relationship with his dad. Well done.
It's good that things are 'progressing' rather than 'regressing'. You are, nevertheless, doing a great deal that you 'do not have to' and that is a SIGNAL kindness, even if he is your child's dad.

However, speaking of that, as you say, if some effort and input by you now, at this difficult time, can pay dividends in terms of 'getting his straight' (eventually - no reason why he shouldn't - the evil that was done to him can be 'purged' and all humans can heal) (once they know the cause of their sickness, that is - hence this round of therapy MUST identify and address the issue of his bad mother) (Do you not think it would be a fast-forwarding gesture to write to the new psych your self to 'plot then in' about things that could take many sessions to 'emerge' and also which he may be in denial about???), it's well worth it for your mutual child's sake.

The better your ex's ability to have a good, paternal role in his child's life, the better for your child.

The sins of the parents do NOT have to be visited upon the children (or the grandchildren), but to avoid that you have to confront them, explain the, and ....maybe, possibly, but only if it helps YOU ....forgive them. But, above all, your ex needs to be free of the burdens his bad mother put on him.

Lets hope this is the start of his liberation back to 'happy human being!';
Good Morning Jenny & Bowlingbun
Thank you both for your kind words. This has been difficult (not just the recent bad spell) but overall. I have had no real idea what I am doing, just taking it a step at a time. I wasn't equipped to know how to cope with this,it was just there one day three years ago and its been difficult. It was heart breaking watching someone close to you going from a confident, hard working man to what his mental health illness turned him into. But things are taking a positive step forward,I got him the advocacy worker so I could take a step back and let him progress somewhat independently. I felt at times I was only enabling him which doesn't help the person. I wish he would see that the biggest contribution to his mental state is his childhood and what his mother put him through. He is adamant it has absolutely nothing to do with how his mental health is now. Something's are too painful to admit because when you do then you have to address it. Keeping it buried only results in torment. I didn't know I could get in touch with his psychiatrist, I know that my ex will dismiss any talk of his mother, he just won't engage in that subject. Its difficult because the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally doesn't show that,there are many deep issues with his late mother, I can understand completely why he does not want to re visit but it is the root,I'm convinced of his mental state of mind.
Thank you again for your kind replies
If you know who his psychiatrist is going to be, there is absolutely nothing to stop you writing to them (either post or email or both) unilaterally. I would strongly urge you to do so, especially in the light of his denial (as you say, too painful) about his mother. It could take weeks, months, for the psych to get that out of him! (if ever)

Of course the psych is highly likely to ask, or at least, suspect, that his problems date from a dysfunctional childhood, as they do for most people I would think (apart from trauma victims in adult life etc), but if you can 'pinpoint' what is likely to be the scenario and 'chief suspect' (his mum!) that will give the psych the info he needs to pursue the most useful line of probing.

The psych will take into account that anything you say is 'just you' ie, will be 'subjective' and he will factor that in, but it's such useful info for him/her.

As you'll appareciate, what the psych can't do is discuss it with you at all (that's why you have to write), and they can't for patient confidentiality enter in to correspondence. They may not even be allowed to acknowledge they received your letter/email

One other thought, do you think there is ANY chance your ex would let YOU go into the appointments WITH him, at least maybe the first one? This coiuld be tricky though, as if, say, you went to the first one, and blurted out 'It's all his ghastly mother's fault - she turned him into this!' it could freak out your ex, who clearly can't yet safely confront this issue, and then he might never go back to the next appointment.

If he was 'fine' (apparently) for years/when you first knew him, it was probably just a 'coping strategy' or like ice over frozen water. Do you have any idea what 'cracked' him? What made him break down? Again, if you could alert the psych to your suspicions, that would be very helpful to them in understanding how your ex comes to be in the situation and state he is in.
PS - I doubt the psych would tell your ex you'd written to him! Though you could put that at the end of the letter 'please dont' tell my ex I'm telling you this, as he is still in denial and it would upset and freak him'
Hi Jenny
I worry that my theory is wrong but I'm certain this is the reason. This happened around the time his mother was last admitted to hospital before the family were told her condition was terminal. He did go to the hospital to see her but he says it was purely for supporting his sister whom was extremely close to mom. He didn't cry when she passed,in fact quite the opposite. I think he had questions that were left unanswered and now he couldn't get those answers. I know she hurt him deeply, her actions and a certain revelation left him broken. I think I will contact his psychiatrist, I just wouldn't want my ex to know I had done this but as I said I'm 100% certain this is the root cause of his problems now
NO child whose mother abandoned them (especially if they took one of her children!) has had a GOOD childhood. NO ONE is 'normal' after that happening to them!

You say his breakdown coincided with his mother's terminal diagnosis/hospitalisation? Was it 'before or after'? ie, did he break down WHEN she'd gone into hospital and was declared terminal?

You say she made a revelation to him? When? Again, was it BEFORE he broke down, or after, and did she make it when she knew she was dying, etc etc? Do you have any idea what it was? (I've got a guess or two - see below - of what it might have been!)

Children who have been abandoned by a parent very often blame themselves - they reason (falsely of course, but powerfully and painfully') 'My mother left me. She had to have a reason for doing that. The reason must have been that I was a bad child. So I didn't deserve to have her. So it is MY FAULT that she left. So I blame ME for her leaving. If I had been better she would not have left me. She would not have left me if she had loved me, but she couldn't love me because I was so bad....'

Worse, his mother must have loved his sister, who must have been 'good enough to love' as she took the sister with her.

Ghastly ghastly ghastly.

Do we know why she left her boys, but not her daughter? Do we know much about his dad? Was his dad good to his boys, or did he blame them for his wife leaving, or was he so horrible that his wife left (and only took the daughter, which the dad didn't care about, etc etc)?????

I'm wondering whether what she disclosed to your ex was that he wasn't the biological son of the father he (might have?) loved, and that hurt him badly and sent him over the edge? Or that she never wanted him to be born? Something really, really hurtful.

When a parent who has harmed us dies, we can get SO angry, because it means they have 'escaped justice' - ie, they now will NEVER apologise to us for the hurt and harm they've done to us. They've 'got away with it', and that makes us angry. We can get angry that they deny having done anything bad to us in the first place, they won't admit they were wrong, eg, to abandon him.

I really do think it would be worth you letting the new psych know all this tormented background - even if, perhaps (unlikely, but there you go!) proves NOT to a causative factor in his MH now, nevertheless it needs to be 'in the equation' even if only to be eventually discounted BY THE PSYCH NOT YOUR EX!!!!!

Did you ever meet his mum, and what did you make of her, and, indeed, his dad and siblings? Outsiders can see far more clearly usually, what the 'toxic dynamics' of a family are.....
Good afternoon
Well I thought I would approach the subject of my ex's childhood and possible cause of his problems now. Oh my word I have been subjected to the most horrific verbal abuse. I should not have a opinion like that and force it upon him. That's really not what I did,I just said in some cases things like this can cause many problems years later. I should not give opinions on things I no nothing about, I should not force my personal opinions onto another. That was the mildest ranting I received. There was a whole lot more abuse hurled at me. I cannot put myself forward for any more verbal abuse like that. I am done trying
108 posts