Mental Health Issue - or Domestic Abuse??

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Having lived with my partner for 7 years, of which the past 2 he has been a nightmare, after signficant issues at home and his rude, controlling and irrational behaviour to myself and my 2 teenage daughters resulting in me being unable to stay in the family home as my daughter was too scared, eventually I made contact with the police, who put me in touch with a domestic abuse team, and, despite there being a formal diagnosis with regards to my partner, he was able to "behave" in front of others but not behind closed doors and there has definitely been an element of 'control' with his behaviour.

Has anyone else experienced this? He is now living in our family home and for the past 3 weeks we have been staying with a family member, myself and my 2 teenagers in one room he won't leave the home (he's not the kids dad) and refuses to sell sol I am now paying 50% for a house I can't live in. We went to mediation it didn't go well he has stated the house sale is 'last on his list of priorities' and is already wearing new designer clothes and apparently on a dating site so clearly he is perfectly fine despite saying I have ruined his life.....

I am completely stuck as we left the house and I can't go back as I feel it is a safeguarding issue for the mental health of my 2 teenage children, one who has been uprooted mid GCSEs.
Hello Emma
I don't think it's as simple as either MH or Domestic Abuse. The 2 often go hand in hand and are interwoven. As you have had to leave it seems to me that the Domestic abuse route is the one to follow at the moment . Have you found your local domestic abuse support agency - I think that's usually separate from the police team. They, and or a solicitor are best positioned to help you with this situation. Here we are ok with carers rights but not so good on the issues you face.

We are all here rooting for you, but you need specialist help and advice

Xx
MrsA
Hi Emma,

You might find Women's Aid http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/ can advise further.

Melly1
Hi Emma
I’ve had a similar experience. I was with my partner for 13 years, of which the last 3, possibly 4, became a nightmare descent into mental illness and abuse. Looking back, there had been the odd, one-off red flag to warn me, but they were so few and far between, that I put them down to drink or stress or any number of other things. On the whole, for ten years he had been a great partner/fiancé. Then he became paranoid, isolated, began drinking much more than he did, then emotionally abusive, then verbally abusive, and finally became physically frightening/abusive.
He said he needed to move out, and I went along with it, but in the period of time he was looking for another place/waiting to move in, the abuse ramped up. Yet, if I asked him to leave during these incidents, he would bluntly refuse, and tell me that he would go when he was ready, and that I should “f*** off out of the house”.
Upon speaking with a counselling service about all of this, they advised me that the mental illness and the abusiveness should be treated separately. They told me that if he was able to control himself with others, hold down a job etc. that the illness wasn’t causing the abuse, and most likely he’d always had abusive tendencies. Lastly, they said that if it was the Mental Illness causing it, then everyone with that illness would be abusive, but that’s simply not the case.
I feel that, although this is good advice, that the mental illness DOES make him abusive. His delusions and paranoia leave him frustrated, and also that he wasn’t abusive per se for 10 years, then his illness kicked in and lead him to believe things which just aren’t true; again, causing his anger.
I would say that your ex is manipulating the scenario by using your fear to get what he wants. If you see him and he becomes abusive, then you have every right to phone the police - even if he’s emotionally or verbally, but not physically abusive, as it’s now an offence. I’d also say that it might be worth asking about having him evicted, as you have children who are suffering, and having a restraining order put on him. You can retro-complain about abuse to the authorities, in order to expedite the process. Have you spoken to Citizen’s advice or a specialist solicitor about what your rights are in terms of who gets the house?
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing such pain from these destructive illnesses. No one should have to live in fear or walk on eggshells. Don’t let his moods push you and your girls into submission, but at the same time, stay safe. xx
Thank you for your comments.

I left the home to safeguard the children, but he continues to 'control' the situation with ridiculous demands and hurdles to jump before he will 'consider selling the house' impossible requests that are totally ridiculous like "evidence you had a house full of furniture before we were together" yet he has deleted everything off my laptop which he then broken and denies that there is a external hard drive with all our photos (and mine from years gone by of the kids) ever being at the property, I sent a photo and circled it he then says I am harassing him. He won't consider selling the house until I find his £50 Xmas voucher (I have no clue where it is and have to make an appointment to visit my own home). All delaying / time wasting tactics.

My children and I are all in a small room at my sisters (she's been completely amazing as have her small children who now share a room). I can't move on with my life as am supposed to pay for 50% of our mortgage. The mortgage company won't let me have a holiday or change to interest only. I am tempted to just stop paying to try to force the sale but fear I then won't get anywhere to rent after.

It's not domestic abuse we have moved out. The solicitor said that wasn't the right thing to do I asked how I safe guard my children I moved out to do exactly that. The police, MASH, social services, mediator and domestic abuse line have all generally concluded it is good that I am no longer at the property but as I have left there's not a lot I can do......

We had mediation last week his son in law represented him and phoned me off the record later to say it was nothing personal but someone now has to help him (as I am not after all this time). He has made accusations about me that are untrue and he can't evidence. No one seems interested in the fact my kids don't have their own home. I'm totally disgusted with the system to be honest.
Emma, if you haven't started one already, keep a diary of who said what, where, and when.
At very least the county council should be protecting the children, and you, and possibly them too, should have an advocate.
That's assuming you have contacted Social Services Children's department?