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Mental health in partners - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Mental health in partners

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
He's certainly got my attention now Image I've text him saying he even though he must feel completely on his own i am still here for him i just can't be as involved as i have been. I've also said he he doesn't want to speak to me then there's the samaritans and i've given him the number. I've had no reply. It's just like it was at the beginning of the year. It's his way or no way and you'll be made to suffer for it if you don't take notice and go along with what he wants. I feel like i'm in a spiders web:( well and truely.
Oh god it sounds like you've been going through it. In his head there isn't room for anyone else, while at the same time he still feels like he needs you. He's pushing to see how far he can push you and is trying to "test" you and your love for him. You are getting so little from the relationship that you are doing the right thing to put space between you, but at the same time he is ill and not thinking in a "normal" way. If i'm honest there were times when i thought i couldn't do it any more and without the children it would have been so much easier to walk away. However i'm glad that they made me want to stay as i think one day things will be ok again. I know there are no guarantees and it probably feels like you have gone backwards rather than forwards but unfortunately this is often the case. My husband has suffered with depression for about 18mths but has gone up and down and has been quite settled and then not and then more settled again. Obviously this year things took a turn for the worse and it's now something quite different and has been so scary for me and traumatic too - and i'm sure you've had your fair share of trauma. Is he on medication and does he see anyone professional? I notice you said that he was drunk, my husband used to drink quite a bit (to block things out) but it doesn't mix well with the pills and ends up making them more depressed in the long run. Since my husband started with the psychotic tendancies i've banned alcohol altogether as i think it made his condition worse (the depression).

Your partner clearly sees himself as the victim and you as being uncaring while you are suffering just as much as he is, if not more. Trying to talk to him about your feelings is probably pointless as he has little interest in anything i'm guessing. Hopefully the stuff about wishing he'd killed himself is just dramatics and not something he wants to try again. I just hope he is getting some kind of treatment as believe me i know that it is almost impossible to get better without professional help. It's just not the easiest to get the help and i've had to push for stuff.

I hope things have settled down a little bit for you.xxx
You were completely right Kitty, I was certainly being pushed to the extreme yesterday when he rang me at work but for once I wasn’t a crying, panicking heap like I have been in the past when these nasty things have occurred. Because of that he assumed I didn’t love him or care about him anymore etc etc. I explained that it wasn’t the case, I just needed to think about myself now too and he just continued to panic and get himself in to a state regarding us. I was at work before this phone call when he started texting me he can’t take the pain any more and other nasty, horrible things that made me feel sick inside. At lunchtime the call ended with him saying he was going to do something so I rang social service as it recommends on the MIND website to do. They then advised me to ring 999. I called my husband and he was very upset and told me he’d slit his wrists. One of my work colleagues drove me to the house where the paramedic was dealing with him. He had cut himself a bit on one of his wrists but he hadn’t caused any major damage thank God. Then a policeman came and he along with the paramedic tried to talk to my husband and help him. Unfortunately even though they spoke the truth and were giving as much advise and positivity as they could Craig didn’t like some of the things they said and ended up driving off. The paramedic and policeman were really lovely people, very lucky they were there for me when my husband went as they helped to talk sense in to me. They said it was a matter of tough love from me now, and you can’t help anyone who doesn’t want to help themselves…sometimes you just have to let them get on with it because at the end of the day it’s me who going to suffer. The policeman dropped me back at work as I felt better there. I am extremely lucky to be surrounded by good people at work, feel very comfortable there.

When I went home after work he was there and I fed the animals and went. I asked if he was ok, he nodded and asked if he could go with me to my mum and dads. I said no because I needed my space. I went to my mum and dads and he came over about half an hour after to call it quits on us again. Then after ten minutes he rang me in pieces to say he couldn’t live without me and he doesn’t want to lose me etc. We talked and I told him what I needed and wanted in a calm manner and he seemed to listen. He seemed quite upset at the realization of how bad he’s treated me and how he has taken me for granted for so long. My mum said her bit to him which upset him but I’m afraid he had to hear it. We’ve all been through it this year and we all want it to stop.

I’m hoping he will be true to his word and start making effort and everyones life easier. He is moving to his mums and I’m moving back to my mum and dads. Getting rid of our rented house and starting again. I need to think of myself and try and find myself again, I haven’t called our marriage quits as I’ve never stopped loving him I just need him to sort himself out and think of me. All the things I have done etc for him, not just in this year, has always been taken for granted and I’ve had no such love or respect back. Anyway we’re hopefully taking small steps forward, this time on my terms because that is how it has to be. I can’t do it any other way. He says he’ll do whatever it takes. I really hope he means that.

I can’t thank you enough for your words of wisdom, it really helps that you know where I am coming from and can make sense of his behaviour to me. He’s recently started seeing a psychologist and has been on anti depressants since January.

xx
Sorry for not replying before, i've had a difficult couple of days too and haven't had a chance to get on the internet.

Yes he really did push you to the limit! I'm glad that his wrist cutting was just half hearted and just another cry for help and attention. Our best friend who killed himself in May attempted suicide two years ago but he took ant-depressants and alcohol while he was at home with his parents so they found him and he was ok. I really think that he felt he didn't want to live but he didn't want to die either. However this year he basically wrote out a will and instructions about his possessions etc in letters to us all, drove to a remote place where no one would find him and then hung himself. We know that he meant to die that day and didn't want to risk being found. It's possible to be suicidal for a long time (our friend first started thinking of it in 2008 - letters were found) but to not actually be seriously intending to end your life. I think it's an accumulation of all the stress and depression making the person do something dramatic and "toying" with the idea of death. I'm guessing that your husband doesn't want to die but to get as much sympathy from you as possible so that you don't "abandon" him (which is how he sees it). It is extremely hard to help someone who is not ready to be helped and they are resisting all the time. I'm hoping that you have got through to him just a little bit and it sounds like you might have done.

I'm sorry i've got to cut this short as our friend has just popped round unexpectedly but will be back on here soon, probably tomorrow morning.xxx
Hi, back again!

I'm glad that you are thinking about yourself as it's your life too and your marriage too and it can't all be one sided. It's so hard though to see relationships in the normal way when one person is mentally ill as they do not have the same sort of thoughts or insight, they are - not always intentionally - wrapped up in themselves and their needs.

This last few days have been horrible for me too. Last week was the inquest into our friend's suicide which my husband insisted we go to then this week was what would have been our friend's birthday so we went to his grave. I think this all took its toll on my husband as he seemed so quiet and distant. Friday morning i was at hospital all morning having a diabetes test for my pregnancy so already felt stressed, then i got home, was in for all of 5 mins and then our new team we've been referred to (Early Intervention Team) turned up unexpectedly to do another assessment of my husband. I had to rush my daughter to school as she's just doing afternoons so had to leave the nurses alone with my husband. When i got back they said that they couldn't continue with the assessment as he wasn't up to it (he has very limited concentration) but that he was displaying more psychotic symptoms than they were aware of so were immediately doubling his medication and are starting daily home visits to keep an eye on him. They said their main concern is to get him stable and to keep him out of hospital which is all good. However the increase in meds has made him very tired and he's either asleep or sitting playing his computer not speaking much. Also he's not allowed out alone again which makes things a lot harder for me (he started going out alone again the other day and even took our son to school a couple of times). Glad something is being done as i was beginning to despair but on the other hand the constant visits get me down plus he is more dependant on me when he's getting used to more meds cos of his constant tiredness and confusion.

I broke down in the middle of the night as my youngest was wide awake with his teeth and my husband was just snoring away. I cried for about 2 hours as i'm so scared. My baby is due in about 10 weeks and i've no idea how i'm going to look after 4 kids and my husband after a c-section. I'm starting to have mild panic attacks again just thinking about it. My daughter is going to be doing mornings at school this week and i've got to see the consultant at the hospital tomorrow for my pregnancy and i'm so worried i won't be back in time to pick her up. Obviously he can't get her as he's not allowed out alone!! God sorry for going on, just feel so desperate right now and don't kow what is going to happen.

The team should be coming round soon and my husband is still in bed. i have tried to wake him but it didn't work! I'm just so tired from lack of sleep and looking after all the kids myself. i could scream right now!!! It's one of those days where i can't think positive and they are the worst, just feel like i need a lifeline. Sorry again for going on.xxx
Don't apologise for going on, if it helps you to talk to me then go ahead by all means. I wish i could do more to help you. I have limited access to the internet at the moment due to moving etc so i can't be online very much. All i can say is that you are incredible. I hope the people who are helping your husband can also offer you help and support because you need it and you are important. Is there anything they can do or suggest to help you as you have so much you are dealing with right now.

Lots of love and thinking of you

S xx
OMG Kitty79, I wish I lived near you, I'd come and give you a hand x

TRY and take it easy, xxx
Hello, this is my very first post. I am caring for my husband who has been suffering from severe depression for over 4 years. He has attempted suicide 2 times now and has been down the selfharm route too although he has gone past that now. I am 30 and my husband is 32. We have 2 little girls 4 and 6 and although i love him deeply im not sure how much longer i can cope. He sits in his chair day in day out battling with his suicidal thoughts. He no longer takes care of himself or welcomes people into our home. We are under the mental health team constantly. We've tried hospitals, respite care, different medications, E C T and even considered seperating. I am always supportive and stand by him but he just doesnt want to be here any longer. He believes he needs to pass over and will take care of us from there. how i really dont know. It is really tough being a carer for a loved one. x
Welcome to the forum, Crispyc, although I don' think there's anything I can say about your situation except that I can't imagine how tough it must be, especially with two little ones to care for too.
Hi,
hang on in there and try and remember the good times. I've been through very similar with my wife for the last 20 years and we had some awful times and some truely great ones. My kids are now in their 20's and we are still very much a united family. I went through depression recently caused by anemia and my wife looked after me - role reversal !
1. If you've not already done so make sure you get a carers assessment - if it was done more than a year ago, get a new one, and register with your GP as a carer - VERY IMPORTANT.
2. You also need to make sure you find some time for just yourself on a regular basis which can't be interupted, so you can relax for a bit. You can ask one of the local Carer Support groups for help with organising this.
3. Have you looked into asking your own GP for a 'carers break'. They can give you up to £500 to fund a short break if they feel it will help your health (not means tested). It looks like you really need it so if your GP doesn't know anything about it tell them look into it and organise it for you - don't take no for an answer.
4. Your eldest daughter might enjoy 'Young Carers'. She will be giving your husband (and you) lots of emotional support at the moment without you probably realising it and YC will be able to really help her - its cost nothing and they can even arrange to pick her up and take her out for some really great day's out.
5. ... and remember you're not alone. Use the Carers UK support number if you're finding it really hard. You may also be able to get along to a local Carers group for support. It's amazing how good it can be to unload yourself to others who genuinly do understand what you're going through.
Chris