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Daughter with Bi Polar - Carers UK Forum

Daughter with Bi Polar

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
This is the first time I have written and quite frankly, don't know where to start. Firstly, I lived with my husband for over 40 years, who I can now see had undiagonosed BP. I was too afraid to leave. I have ME (chronic fatigue syndrome) so didnt think that I could put up a fight. To cut this long story short I did get away and set up home alone. His behaviour to me is now a lot better and more respectful than when we lived together.
The get to the point my daughter (who is in her early 40s) was diagnosed with BP 5 years ago, This was after years of anger depression, aweful behaviour, which I thought was just her being like her Dad. She left home at an early age to go to college and pursue her career. She went from crisis to crisis. Stopping her medication after crisis had settled. Also drinking alcohol to self medicate for depression. She has tried over 6 times to overdose. Once was in my home when she calmly walked in the room and announced what she had done. Several times she has rang me from 100 miles away and told me what she had done. I have had to ring for ambulance for her area and rush to her only to be treated very badly. She has been hospitalised twice for short times. She is terrible with money and I have given her money and lots of it. This year has been seemed to be the best yet. Now through several sources of stress, the main one being stress with the boyfriend and several other matters.Twice in the last 2 weeks she has contacted me because she has no money. She piles on all the stress, serious health scares, that have really worried me. boyfriends, work, accommodation, just about everything. I know that I am being manipulated but she doesn't seem to have any close friends to support. My fear is that if I don't comply she will take another overdose. I have driven 200 miles round trip because her phone was unanswered for 4 days. When I got there she didn't allow be in, just shouted at me to go away in no uncertain terms. I could write pages about her behaviour and ways I tried to help her. I realise that by giving her money has not helped her but she doesn't tell me until the matter is urgent and I don't seem to be a choice because she wouldn't be able to buy food or keep a roof over her head. I am now in another bout where she is very depressed everything has gone wrong for her and she can't see anyway forward. She isn't having any therapy and she says its useless. I been ill for 23 years and made much worse in the very stressful times. Just need to get a clear prospective on all this.
Hi Namesake - I am an Elaine too. Not that many of us around!
Now, I haven't any real experience of BP or any other MH issue. I am just going to give you my thoughts from a non professional, completely ignorant, point of view. Please forgive that and dismiss my thoughts if you don't agree at all.
I have read on this forum that there is a fine line between 'supporting' someone and 'enabling' them. I wonder whether by always being 'on call', always 'coming to the rescue', always responding to a 'crisis', you are helping your daughter to carry on the same old way. Other people on here have said that in order to support someone, they MUST make an effort themselves. They MUST take the medication, attend appointments, go to counselling and take advantage of whatever help they have been offered.
This isn't your helpless baby girl. This is a grown woman who is using you as her 'bank', and not only for money. You are her prop too and she really must start to stand on her own feet, take responsibility for her own actions and above all make a REAL effort to help herself.
By threatening to harm herself she is blackmailing you to come to the rescue yet again. She has a wonderful button to push to make you do what she wants. However if she really did want to kill herself, she wouldn't advertise it would she? Yes it's a cry for help. However there is help out there and you are not qualified or even fit enough to provide it.
Again, I'm absolutely no expert at all. Someone else might shoot me down and tell me I'm talking rubbish.
However, as a Mum myself and my daughter is about the same age, fit, healthy and with a good life thank goodness, but years ago when she had a (much smaller) problem someone very wise said to me, 'It's her problem, not yours. Take a step back. She's grown up. Don't try and fix it for her, just be there to listen when she wants to talk and encourage her to seek proper help.' I'm just passing on that message. It worked for me.
Hi Elaine! My name is Isabelle and I also have a bipolar daughter . Been married for 40 years. Daughter is 32 and been diagnosed since she was 15. Several overdoses down the way but now she does take her meds and drink a lot less and stopped the weed. But now she's like a zombie :( anyway if you want to talk I'm there x
My husband is bp. Is on his fifth manic episode. Hasn't been complainant in the past with meds and recovery programs, has used cannabis to self medicate, run up thousands of pounds worth of debt, lost a 50k job etc etc. I'm here to chat too although I know it's slightly different with it being my husband not a child.