Carer for Husband with severe anxiety and depression

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Hi All,

I am on here for support as it is hard when you have lost the original person you fell in love with to mental illness, can nayone relate?

I often feel angry, frustrated, and that I have failed in some way (which I know is not true)

I think the most challenging part is knowing when the illness is speaking, and when your partner is unwell with self-neglect, anger and hurtful words, as they hate themselves and dont understand why someone wants to love them, which makes it sadder.

The isolation is immense for us carers, as I find family and friends do not understand. No one understands unless they are living it. I refuse to through the towel in. We will get there!
Hi Battling against it
Welcome
I can only relate to your situation in a way.My lovely husband is in a nursing home because of strokes and vascular dementia. He is no longer the man I fell in love with 51+ years ago. Both the strokes and the dementia are taking him from me slowly. Feel I am failing him, abandoning him when l leave him and fight the guilt monster constantly. We are not to blame for the demise of our loved ones and have to remind ourselves of that. Yes, I get frustrated and cross. Less cross with him as it's not his fault either. Cross and sad that our retirement is like this.
Others will be along with support and advice for you I'm sure.
My heart goes out to you
Hi Battlin
Yes there's many of us.
I have not got time to say more now, but do recommend you search or browse the mental health threads in here.
You are not alone!
Perhaps MIND an ideal starting point ... the leading , supporting , organisation in this specialised field :

https://www.mind.org.uk/

Been on the block since 1946.
Hi.

I know roughly what you mean - my wife has been there on and off for the last 20+ years.
There are many good times in there, but in my case the last 4 years have been pretty unrelenting.
Almost all the people I have met over they years have recovered.

Take care of yourself, first and foremost. I didn't at one point and that made everything so much harder.
And find someone who will give you a hug every now and then - often when you least expect, but most need, it.
My friends still don't understand, but I have found that keeping my own social life is critical to keeping a sense of perspective.

Over the years I have lurked on and off in here, and often all I wanted was to know that I wasn't alone.


Most of all, I miss holding a hand. Strange how it is the little things that matter more..
Just enough wrote:
Tue Feb 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Hi.

I know roughly what you mean - my wife has been there on and off for the last 20+ years.
There are many good times in there, but in my case the last 4 years have been pretty unrelenting.
Almost all the people I have met over they years have recovered.

Take care of yourself, first and foremost. I didn't at one point and that made everything so much harder.
And find someone who will give you a hug every now and then - often when you least expect, but most need, it.
My friends still don't understand, but I have found that keeping my own social life is critical to keeping a sense of perspective.

Over the years I have lurked on and off in here, and often all I wanted was to know that I wasn't alone.


Most of all, I miss holding a hand. Strange how it is the little things that matter more..
We give virtual hugs on here (((hug))).
Maybe we need a handhold symbol too :idea:

Welcome Just Enough. Hope the lurking has helped
Kr
MrsA
You are definitely not the only one who has ended up in a ‘relationship’ and I use that term jokingly
With someone totally different from the person you fell in love with and married,
It is incredibly hard, sad and frustrating to be with a person who has changed so much and despite all you try to do can’t seem to respond.
You struggle through, trying to live ‘normally’, running out of excuses for not going out socially, because they can’t cope or don’t want to be bothered, being with someone who has no purpose, motivation, conversation or interest, and end up feeling so lonely and stressed at having to do everything by yourself.
You feel that you can’t take anymore and resent them but then feel guilty that you just don’t seem able to help your partner get out of this awful, dark place that they are in and know if you don’t keep all things running, that they will just not bother and will just give up entirely.
I have no idea how things will end but know that you have to live your own life, can’t take responsibility for your partners state of mind and although it is incredibly hard to do, step back and put yourself first.
It’s not an answer to your post, but I hope that you will get some relief just knowing that you aren’t the only one going through this horrible time.
Janet_1812 wrote:
Tue Apr 23, 2019 7:06 am

You feel that you can’t take anymore and resent them but then feel guilty that you just don’t seem able to help your partner get out of this awful, dark place that they are in and know if you don’t keep all things running, that they will just not bother and will just give up entirely.
I can relate to most of that, but I don't feel at all guilty, just frustrated at my wife's apparent lack of appetite to do anything at all unless she can do it exactly how she used to before the MS took over her body.

I still love the girl I married all those years ago, but she's no longer there. It's hard to even like who she is now, this just makes it even more difficult sometimes to understand why I carry on. I have to continually remind myself that none if it is anyone's fault, it's just how it is now.