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Looking for advice and support. - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Looking for advice and support.

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
"I am scared that she will fall out with me, cause issues'

And this would be a problem because......?

It would give you freedom never to go near her again! If she doesn't want you there....(ie, because she has 'fallen out' with you!)

Think about it.....!!!!
"I have tried to some extent before. She tells me I have changed then is quite nasty with her tongue. "

Yes, of course she's 'nasty with her tongue' if her 'prisoner' dares to rattle her chains!!!!

Look, I know it's going to be hard to see your mum as others see her, but she is a NOT NICE PERSON.

She is NOT sad and pitiable, she is SELF-PITYING!!!!!

Maybe the way to help you cut the umbilican chain that she is strangling you with (and has been all your life by the sounds of things) is this:

Somewhere inside, your mum is probably a nice, decent human being. But for reasons that are NOT YOUR FAULT, she has allowed a MONSTER of selfishness, self-pity and narcissitic self-obsession to 'take her over'.

The more attention you give her, the more you do what she wants, blah lah blah, the more you FEED this monster.

I'm sure you want her to be a 'good' human being - so don't feed the monster with your attention.

If you can see that paying her attention is NOT good for her (it's the monster that has a nasty tongue etc, who will 'fall out' with you), then it can help you strengthen your resolve to keep a much further distance from her and develop 'immunity' from her (ie, you no longer 'fear her displeasure or disapproval', and you have the strength of mind NOT to be at her beck and call as she yanks the chain around your neck). YOU TAKE CHARGE of the relationship.

You MUST get counselling on this. It isn't easy, breaking that chain, but it is not good for HER to be monstrous like this - and it damn sure isn't good for you!

I'll try and find you some website forums about 'controlling parents', narcissitc parents, and smothering mothers! She is all three!

Your mother killed a dog.

What does that say about her?

Did she even feel guilty?

Don't answer that - I know the answer. NO SHE DIDN'T. She just felt sorry for herself. As usual.
Please understand that you have been 'programmed' all your life to see the world as your mum's 'inner monster' sees it - as a world that has done 'terrible thingss' to your poor poor mum.....

Well, it hasn't. SHE has, to herself.

She's a bored, selfish woman.

YOU can make her a nicer human being, but, as I say, you have to take control of this malign and unhealthy relationship, and help HER be nicer. But you can only do that by standing up to her.

And resisting her 'punishing' you for your 'opposition'. Of course she wants you back in your place as her slave, but you have to DEFY her anger and disapproval and displeausre (her 'nasty tongue').

So what if she's angry with you? Who gives a monkeys? Her anger, her problem. Not yours. Don't let her make it so.

You are STRONGER than you know. You can love your mother - but not her 'monstrous' side.
Check these out - only a first quick pass, but it's a start.

It will help reassure you you are not alone in your unhealthy relationship with your controlling mum, and that there ARE ways to 'manage' the relationship so it does NOT destroy you, as yours currently is....

I haven't read all the links totally, just glanced at them - some of them will definitely resonate with you!

https://oureverydaylife.com/deal-overbe ... 43207.html
"Sometimes, you have to let go of wanting to make your mother happy. Try to block it out. Remind yourself that it is not your problem -- it's her problem. You may have to limit the time you spend with her and you may have to tell her to stop being critical of you. Do whatever is necessary, without being cruel, to set some boundaries to protect yourself and to preserve your well-being."

http://www.actsweb.org/articles/article ... 68&d=2&c=3 (bit religious, but read below!)
"So many adults today still have the emotional umbilical cord attached to their mothers. They need to cut it themselves so they can be freed from their mother-control to become their own person."

These mothers steal their kids’ childhoods, identities and future healthy relationships. They will keep on taking and sucking the life out of their children for as long as they live, if their children allow it. It is incredibly difficult and painful to acknowledge that your mother never loved you without blaming yourself — she raised you to blame yourself for everything. But it is necessary to put the blame where it rightfully belongs in order to insure that this insidious disorder isn’t perpetuated generation after generation.
Mum will probably try all sorts of way to keep "control" of you, but it only works if you let it!

Do NOT let her provoke you into any nasty response, because then that shows that whatever she said hurts. Just turning round and going home, putting the phone down etc. will just show that it might have worked in the past, but it's not going to work any more!

I know some parents have deliberately undermined their child's self esteem for their own benefit.
Did mum encourage you to do well in school, support you when you wanted to do something new, or different?
Did she give you reasons why you COULD do something, or reasons why you couldn't?

Good parents give their children all the encouragement they can to make their children ready for life and all it offers.
PPS again....Just wanted to tell you that I DO understand your sense of 'endless responsibility' for your mum and her happiness - that you HAVE to 'make her happy'.

My mum was 'similar' in some ways - not as overtly narcissistic as your mum appears to be, but she was, like yours, very very emotionally needy - she could not face life 'on her own'.

She was a lot more loving than yours sound, and she was NEVER 'nasty' to me - (that alone, condemns your mum in my eyes -the daughter who is doing SO much for her, and yet your mum presumes to be 'nasty' to you!!!!!!!!!).

BUT, it took YEARS (and my sister in law!) to see mum as someone who basically was 'the only one to suffer' the 'only one to be unhappy'. HER unhappiness was all there was. No one else could be unhappy the way she could!

She could lash out at her long-suffering husband (for no reason - and yes, that WAS cruel, just as it is cruel of your mum to turn her nasty tongue on you!), and that condemned her - ie, lost sympathy.

But it wasn't until my SIL who obviously had not 'bought in' to this story of 'unhappy mother' (as in SHE was the only one who could POSSIBLY be unhappy) started to 'show' me how 'self-pitying' my mum was in many ways, that I started to see her in a new 'clearer' light.

Don't get me wrong, I loved my mother HUGELY, and she was a warm loving woman (except those lash-outs at my dad sometimes), but I can now see the 'deep flaws' in her personality, and the endless 'dramas' about herself (ring a bell??!!!!).

Learning to distance myself emotionally, so I was not so 'raw' to her neediness (though I never 'rejected' her, just made more 'space' around myself), was vital to making our relationship less 'needy' and more emotionally sound.

It's entirely possible you, too, can help your mum in that respect - but NOT by endlessly giving in to her self-pity and self-obsession.

I do recommend you write down a list of all the GOOD things in her life - it will NOT be short. She should be THANKFUL for what she has - INCLUDING HAVING YOU! - not endlessly moaning and agonising about things.

(I'm still horrified about that poor dog - that is deeply shocking. Poor innocent animal.)
Thanks for your wonderful, helpful replies. Wow, at times I think it's me, making these feelings up in my mind xx

I am going to try some.of your suggestions.

I am very lucky that I have a wonderful husband who tells it like it is. He knows what my Mum is like and has seen it first hand.

When I look back I remember times such as steaming open my mail, listening to phone calls. I wanted to do performance art but remember her saying I shouldn't " you will never get a job doing that". If I remind her, she denies most of it.

When I had my daughter she said she would look after her for work, but not so we could go out enjoying ourselves.

When I was pregnant she invited us to her house for a party and I was going to break the good news. She found out I wasn't having alcoholic drinks and went on and on about it until I was forced to tell her why over the phone. She kept saying "you drink wine when you go to your MIL'S parties, but not mine"

She was envious of my MIL and caused problems when she babysat too much!

We talked about moving house but Mum said " don't move, what about me, I will be lonely". Then looked at house on her road.

If I book a holiday, she looks it all up and gives her opinion.

She told me she couldn't manage child minding anymore so I reassured her and found a childminder. She fell out with me for 2 weeks, swore at me on the phone and bad mouthed my husband. All because she still wanted to child mind for 3 weeks and wasn't quite ready to give it up.

The list is long. I love her very much and she has been a good Mom and helped and supported me. I do wonder if this comes when it is beneficial for her to do so.

I just feel.so guilty because it's all I know. I have encouraged and accepted her behaviour. I get angry with myself and wonder what might have been if I had drawn the boundaries earlier in my life.

Thanks all. Feel stronger with your support xxx
Draw a line under it. After Christmas, sit down with your husband and make a plan to keep mum "at bay". Then book a holiday and do NOT tell her!
Ps Jenny Lucas.
You have made me smile. When you said about everything being against her.

My husband said to me, why do you think she had to move house cause the neighbours were horrible to her, fell out with her Sister, was bullied my siblings when she was young, her mother in law talked about her, her husband didn't help her when she had appendicitis, left volunteer job cause other lady wouldn't let her use the till, fell out with workmate's, has suffered more than you etc

My Mum has been mistreated all her life. Isn't that odd??😂🤣