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Just venting - Carers UK Forum

Just venting

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
I think I just need to rant, if you don't mind .
I thought my wife had reached a plateau and we could enjoy Christmas.
But , a concert booked for the weekend got cancelled and now we're back to miserable and complaining.
I collected a prescription for her , without asking her.
She says this proves I gave no regard for what she wants , noone cares, it's the end of the world, everythings going wrong etc.
I'm old and retired, have my own minor health problems . Is it too much to ask for a reasonably peaceful retirement?
No, it isn't, but you wn't change your wife by wishing alas! Personally, I think hyou have to stand up to her, tell her her complaining and criticism is neither fair nor acceptable, and you will 'call her out' on it all the time. Her depression and woes is NOT an excuse for taking it out on you (tell her that)

One of the most irritating but truthful things I've ever read (and it made me SO cross at the time - still can!), is:

We get the behaviour we put up with!

Expecting others to 'be nice' just bcause we are ourselves doesn't work. It certainly doesn't work when people feel hard done by by life, or resentful, or unhappy, and think that entitles them to take it out on others! It doesn't.

I've written elsewhere (!) about whether MH is a permanent 'Get out of Jail' free card when it comes to behaving decently to other people, but from the way you describe hyour wife's behaviour I really don't think it's any valid excuse at all, the way she is to you.

But you DO have to stand up to her! OK, she'll 'rage' and get even angrier that you 'dared' to object to her behaviour (I'll put a fiver on her reacting that way!), or she might 'go into a decline' , or simply 'sulk for days' - these are all very, very childish reactions, and designed ONLY to get you back in line and resume your 'proper place' as her whipping boy.

What was she like before depression took over? Was she nice to you then?

Those of us who 'hate confrontation' do become, alas, meat for bullies. We keep hoping they'll behave better, that they'll see the error of their ways, but they won't unless they are stood up to. That is the grim truth of it.

I'm sure there's a nicer person inside your wife, but she isn't showing much yet!
You should be a fly on the wall, (or have you been watching us) as she does all these!
It gets quite heated, on both sides.
I saw a note on another comment about writing D on your hand for dementia. Perhaps I'll have D for depression ( or don't care,) .
Today she can't remember why she got so annoyed.