Just existing.

[Emma_1908]

Hi everyone.
I'm new here and just need someone to talk to. I'm 40 and my husband is 43 we have 2 children living at home.

I've been with my husband for 22 years and for the first 15 years everything was great.
My hubby was in the army when we met and has witnessed some horrific things.
I noticed back then that he'd have moments of withdrawal and quietness but never put two and two together.
So things got bad in April this year, he had a complete melt down while I was at work and our two children (15 & 8 )where the ones who witnessed this.
He smacked our youngest and then told him that he (My husband not my son) shouldn't be here, and that he doesn't deserve to be a parent. I came home straight away and did what I could.
I made him an appointment the next day to see a doctor.
I attended the doctors with him and told the Dr that his behaviour was totally out of character and that he needs help.
The doctor put my hubby on medication for depression and severe anxiety, also referred him to Let's Talk and Mind.
He had 6 weeks of counselling and has since just got worse.
He doesn't like to go out, he doesn't talk on the phone (He has a mobile but never charges it) he very rarely gets dressed and has be prompted into get a bath and he doesn't eat properly either. He's so slim as it is and I worry so much.
He doesn't sleep well and this in turn causes him to sleep during the day. He will quite openly admit that he'd stay upstairs if he could.
He has practically stop socialising.
I am doing everything I can to help but I just feel he's not even meeting me halfway.
I've read numerous pages on how to help.
I know it sounds selfish but I'm getting so low and feel like we are just existing and lot living.
Our sex life is non existent and it's not through lack of trying. I understand that sex sex isn't everything.
I feel so unloved and sometimes just think I'm here because I'm so scared of what would happen If I left him. He literally couldn't cope on his own. He would spiral even further into depression.
I do love him but my love is fading more and more each day. Our children love their dad but even they are walking round on eggshells. Our eldest spends a lot if time in her room because she says that she'd rather be there than risk her dad having a go at her
I'm gutted our kids are thinking like this and I really don't know what else to do.
Should i leave? Stay? I'm at a loss and really struggling to come up with a solution.

Sorry for long winded intro xx

[Laura_1908]

Hi everyone.
I'm new here and just need someone to talk to. I'm 40 and my husband is 43 we have 2 children living at home.

I've been with my husband for 22 years and for the first 15 years everything was great.
My hubby was in the army when we met and has witnessed some horrific things.
I noticed back then that he'd have moments of withdrawal and quietness but never put two and two together.
So things got bad in April this year, he had a complete melt down while I was at work and our two children (15 & 8 )where the ones who witnessed this.
He smacked our youngest and then told him that he (My husband not my son) shouldn't be here, and that he doesn't deserve to be a parent. I came home straight away and did what I could.
I made him an appointment the next day to see a doctor.
I attended the doctors with him and told the Dr that his behaviour was totally out of character and that he needs help.
The doctor put my hubby on medication for depression and severe anxiety, also referred him to Let's Talk and Mind.
He had 6 weeks of counselling and has since just got worse.
He doesn't like to go out, he doesn't talk on the phone (He has a mobile but never charges it) he very rarely gets dressed and has be prompted into get a bath and he doesn't eat properly either. He's so slim as it is and I worry so much.
He doesn't sleep well and this in turn causes him to sleep during the day. He will quite openly admit that he'd stay upstairs if he could.
He has practically stop socialising.
I am doing everything I can to help but I just feel he's not even meeting me halfway.
I've read numerous pages on how to help.
I know it sounds selfish but I'm getting so low and feel like we are just existing and lot living.
Our sex life is non existent and it's not through lack of trying. I understand that sex sex isn't everything.
I feel so unloved and sometimes just think I'm here because I'm so scared of what would happen If I left him. He literally couldn't cope on his own. He would spiral even further into depression.
I do love him but my love is fading more and more each day. Our children love their dad but even they are walking round on eggshells. Our eldest spends a lot if time in her room because she says that she'd rather be there than risk her dad having a go at her
I'm gutted our kids are thinking like this and I really don't know what else to do.
Should i leave? Stay? I'm at a loss and really struggling to come up with a solution.

Sorry for long winded intro xx

[Laura_1908]

Hi Emma

I feel I’m just existing to, my husband spends all day in bed, my kids are scared incase they wake him and he shouts. I have tried everything with him, I had him sectioned back in April for 6 days. He has recently stopped his meds, discharged himself from all his doctors. As selfish as it sounds but I feel me and the kids are suffering. If I leave him will he hurt himself? If I stay will I hurt myself? There isn’t a good outcome I can see

[MrsAverage]

Emma
because he was in the army he should be able to get help through help for heroes, SAAFA or another similar organisation
https://www.helpforheroes.org.uk/
https://www.ssafa.org.uk/

Strange as it may seem you can do little to help him, he must learn to help himself. You just make sure he knows where to go or who to ask for help. He probably won't take it up at first but keep gently reminding him help is out there and one day he will access it.
Meanwhile you concentrate on the well being of you and your children. You all keep active and healthy, keep up a social life and be open to expressing your feelings, both positive and negative. Help your children learn good ways of expressing themselves and he will start to notice this and learn for himself too.
Eventually he will get the expert help he deserves, meanwhile you stay supportive but not enabling, i.e. don't cover up for him or do things for him e.g don't take him meals upstairs but do set a place for him at the table and make sure he knows he's welcome there. Praise every little good thing.

Keep the contact details for the above organisation and for Samartians handy where he knows where they are
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-h ... samaritan/ 116 123


Laura, a lot of this applies to you too.

[Londonbound]

Sorry I know we are not supposed to diagnose but this sounds very like Post traumatic Stress Disorder having seen as you say horrible things while he was in the army.

Specalist therapy is needing to resolve this.

[Honey Badger]

It does sound like PTSD. I am a long term sufferer as a survivor of violence (attempt on my life) and this was painful to read.

If counselling does not work he needs to try something else such as CBT to develop positive coping techniques for dealing with the flashbacks/anxiety attacks or whatever is causing him to lash out because this sort of thing can ruin families and break relationships left unchecked.

None of this excuses your husbands behaviour towards you or the children the slightest but do know the man you love is still there he just needs specialist help as said above to begin fighting back (in the right way), counselling is clearly not cutting it and based on my own experiences I can well believe it. Does the provider actually know how severely this is affecting the rest of the family or are they only finding out what hubby reveals to them.

You can't just magically make things go back to normal, but you can try to develop ways of managing yourself when you are having problems for the sake of the ones you care about, so it doesn't affect them. We can't really tell you

And so you know statistically of people who suffer a traumatic experience 1 out of 3 develop PTSD like symptoms sadly given the overall state of mental health not just being poorly treated but being a bit of a taboo (particularly amongst us men) this does not help things when it comes to destructive elements of mental health, and the family suffer as much if not more than the individual themselves.

It is honestly a scandal how poorly service personnel are looked after in this country when they re-enter civilian life.

Best wishes to your family, Thanks to your husband for his service

[Joanne _17061]

My partner has complex PTSD which includes combat PTSD from the first Gulf war. It took 25 years for it all to come to a head and for someone to recognise it and for him to get a proper diaognoses.
He was referred to Combat Stress who were able to assist him. He can contact them direct. And here lays the first major hurdle. Does he acknowledge that he has a problem? Until he accepts it, there is little that can be done.
The Royal British Legion also are a good contact point for welfare services and sign posting.
It is a lonely place to be as a partner but there is help and support out there which can vary from county to county.
Good luck, I hope you both find the help so desperately needed.

[Rhona]

Is there anyone who could look after the kids for a few days to give you a break? This would give you and your husband the chance to be a couple again without tthe distraction of the children. Also this might make your husband feel he's important and special to you. If you can't get someone to look after the kids then encourage your husband to talk to his friends or even a phone conversation to a support team ( look on the internet for details).

[Henrietta]

I see Joanne has already mentioned them but here is a link

https://www.britishlegion.org.uk/