Carers UK Forum

My husband has suffered with depression for the last 15 years had ups and downs throughout this whole time and I have always been here to support him. However the last 6 months has become hell and I honestly just want to give up and tell him to pull himself together or move out (but I know that is the wrong thing to say to someone with mental health issues).

My son has developed a lot of autistic traits in the last 12 months since the start of lockdown and is also suffering with his own mental health and school. Over the years the relationship with his dad has not been great and he believes that his father hates him. Not helped when my husband makes comments such as "No I don't Love you" in the heat of an argument.

Now my husband says he will not accept help as CBT tells him he needs to "go with the flow" and he doesn't see that this is a viable option. He thinks the rest of us all shout at him too much, we look at him in an annoying way, my son has meltdowns and he cannot accept this, he says I never let him discipline my son yet whenever I ask him for an opinion on a punishment I get "I don't know".

This weekend has been hell, he stormed out of the house for 2 hours on Saturday night, 3 hours on Sunday afternoon and then 2 hours again on Sunday evening. My daughter is 15 and in the middle of exams and he has clearly said in his arguments that he doesn't care about them and she has gone to school so stressed today as she wasn't able to revise sufficiently.

He has got up this morning and we tried to talk but all he does is blame me and he thinks the way he reacts to us is acceptable. Often his reactions to the slightest thing are to shout, throw or break a piece of equipment (like a mouse or monitor or keyboard), swear at us and then walk out threatening to kill himself.

He says he will never talk to a doctor about having suicidal thoughts as he believes he will be locked up. I told him to try online forums and he says he has been banned from 3 of them for saying that he has suicidal thoughts.

I honestly do not know where to turn and what to do, I just know I can't carry on like this. He will not admit that he has an issue and if I bring up the fact that he has depression it is the worst thing ever as apparently I am blaming depression for everything.

How are things now? You have to consider your own wellbeing and you children's. Is it helping any of you to stay together?

Hello Nicola, I'm sorry you and your family are going through such a very difficult time.
I understand from your previous post that your husband has not worked for several months now. This will have lowered his self esteem and made his depression worse. It sounds like he has no purpose anymore and that is making him feel worse.
He certainly should not be throwing objects about and breaking things. When he does this make sure that he takes responsibility for his actions and clears up the mess or buys a replacement if necessary- don't do it for him.
He should not be taking his anger and frustration out on you and your children.
You could phone Social Services or even the police if you feel you and your children are in danger.

Thanks for your replies, things are not much better if I am honest. He flushed all his medication down the toilet, then did agree a couple of weeks later to see the GP and she gave him something different but then 2 days after that he flushed those down the sink too. So currently he is not on any medication and says he is too embarrassed to speak to the GP again! His instances of walking out are still very high, It has got to the point though that I have told him he is very close to losing his family if he doesn't get help. As none of us can carry on like this.

I have made the difficult decision to go on holiday next week without him, something he is not very happy about and says he needs a break but he made threats a while ago along the lines of he wouldn't go on holiday with us and his mood is so low at times it would be hell to have him there. So me, the kids and the dogs are off to spend 4 days away from him in a hotel. Hopefully this may make him realise what he is losing and do something to help himself. Just hoping it doesn't work in the opposite and make him more depressed though

Good for you Nicola. A break will do you and the kids good.

Melly1

The right decision in the circumstances. Maybe while you are away talk to the kids about how they are feeling. It might help you make up your mind what the next step has to be.

I also think that it's the right decision: it also shows that you'll be strong enough if you have to make a harder one in the future, and possibly not too far into the future.

Stay strong, always.

I haven't been on here for a while as things have been improving but today I am having a really bad day and if I am totally honest could just walk out of this house and never return. But I have too many people relying on me to do that.

My husband has been improving with new tablets but this weekend has been hell. Yesterday we were having a general conversation about how the sofa was falling apart, I said that I didn't want to take on a new debt given the job he currently has is only a contract job and could end any time. He totally flew off the handle at me and said I was telling him he had to get a permanent job (something he doesn't want to do as he wants to go back to running his own business), he walked out was writing goodbye notes the whole lot.

Anyway he did come home ate his tea, refused point blank to talk to me so I left him alone. This morning is obviously feeling no better and I was having a conversation with him about our daughter (whose mental health today has taken a downturn because of the stress of yesterday) and he went off the handle again at me.

He blames me for everything, says I never listen to him, I always jump down his throat when he tries to talk to me, says effectively I am bad person and he doesn't want to live like this any more with me.

To top everything off I also have a 13 year old son who is going through school refusal, his anxiety is at such an all time high he just can't get himself ready for school in the morning and the school are not being very helpful in providing any work for him.

I just feel right now i have no one to turn to and no help available. I have been referred to our local mental health team and luckily have reached the top of the list so have an apt on Thursday. I am just hoping they can help as I am drowning right now

Your husband is blaming your for doing exactly what he does, jumping on you when you were trying to have a perfectly civilised conversation about furniture.

As a couple of course you should be able to discuss things like this.
Things that were once new wear out, that's the way things are.
We used to discuss all sorts of things, so dreams came true, some remained dreams.
That's a normal part of being a couple to me.
Did his parents discuss, or row? Was their relationship always a power struggle?
Sometimes children copy their parents, sometimes they are determined not to make the same mistakes as their parents!

Your kids are really suffering at the moment, from what you describe, and your husband should be really concerned about their well being. Is he so self focussed that he doesn't see the effect of his behaviour on them?