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I'm tired and in pain - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

I'm tired and in pain

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
bowlingbun wrote:
Sat Apr 17, 2021 11:38 am
I fell into many of the same traps you have fallen into, thinking it was my job to look after mum (6 miles away, housebound since about 1976) as well as having a brain damaged son, running my own home etc. My brothers were always "too busy".
For years mum refused to claim disability benefits, finally I did the forms for her, as her disability worsened. Dad worked overseas a lot, leaving me to do everything for mum, shopping, errands, endless jobs.
Mum refused to accept carers until she realised that without my support the only option was a nursing home. I had recently had major surgery, found my husband dead in bed, and had a head on smash that left me disabled. Even so, she thought it was OK to "save" me some jobs as I did them better than the carers!!!
I was on the verge of a breakdown. My only source of income was selling my late husband's business stock. 30 TONS of lorry spares, but everyone apart from my eldest son who lived with me just wanted a bit of me.

Counselling made me realise that I was behaving like a dutiful little girl towards my mum. She had absolutely no right to demand my time, what I did with my life was my affair, I didn't have to justify myself by saying "I can't because..."
Mum was entitled to have carers, and they were supposed to do whatever she wanted. On top of that she had a girl she paid to shop and iron for her, and a gardener.
I had none of these things.
As children we have to do what our parents want us to do. As adults, we don't.
Your brother is old enough to look after himself. Stop doing things for him. I was married, a house owner and travelling the world when I was 20, running a home too. He has no right to your time either.
Everyone will expect you to do things because then they don't have to.
Until you stop doing them, no one else will do them.
Time to stick up for yourself. Your life and wellbeing is just as important than theirs.

The only power they have over you is the power you let them have!!
Hello I apologize for replying so late. It was heartbreaking reading this and I'm honoured you shared this with me. You are so inspirational and I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. I see the good you do on this platform and I need to thank you for that. I'm sorry for what you have endured and hope and pray you are better.
I understand what you are saying. And I will try and look after myself more. It's hard but I will. Thank you.
My counsellor taught me how to avoid jobs.
This was a real eye opener for me, and worked a treat.
Mum had a whole succession of jobs for me. The harder I tried to clear the backlog, the faster those jobs kept coming.

The most ridiculous was asking me to empty and take out all the kitchen floor units in her large kitchen, lay the new roll of flooring in her front room that she'd had for years, put the units back and refill them...in less than a week as her long lost cousin was visiting.
I told mum "I can't do that".
"Well it's what I WANT" came the reply.
I left in floods of tears. I'd had a hysterectomy and a gynae repair a couple of years earlier, so was under strict instructions never to lift anything heavy again!!!
I never did the job, and sold the flooring 15 years later when she went into residential care.
Mum wasn't short of money, but didn't like any workmen coming into the house. After 40 years of renovating their house, it was still unfinished when sold.

The counsellor told me to adopt a "strictly one at at time policy", all jobs to be done at the pace I wanted, not mum.
When I was, inevitably given a second job, I said "you asked me to do this, I want to get it finished first before I start anything else". This worked a treat. If I never quite got round to a job, mum would think of someone else who could do it, like the husband of her cleaner.
If you are asked to go shopping for something, see if you can get it online.
Melina_1806a wrote:
Fri Apr 16, 2021 3:54 pm
sunnydisposition wrote:
Fri Apr 16, 2021 3:23 pm
I've had to stop binge eating, stop eating my favourite foods, stop smoking and drinking
Melina I think you are being too hard on yourself. You've made amazingly great progress. You have decarded many crutches. It sounds like one last one to get control back. When we discard something there can be a tendency or a need to replace it with something else.

Have you heard of ....

https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/treatment/wrist-band

Self harming for 16 years is a long time. And you will a lot of support. Have you ever attend self harming support groups.

https://www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk/support-groups
https://www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk/ou ... t-services

How old is your Mum and brother?

Do they also need support.
I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Thank you for the links I will look at them. I appreciate your kind words but I have nothing to be proud of.my mum is 53 and my brother is 19. Yes they need alot Moe support than me. They need so much. Thank you.
If Mum needs aren't being met that not your fault or responsibility. Care needs can be met in many ways. That doesn't mean you have to be the person who has to met them.

You would be better to join a local carers group. These groups usual have a team of workers. Who have knowledge and experience to help carers.
bowlingbun wrote:
Sun Apr 18, 2021 1:21 pm
My counsellor taught me how to avoid jobs.
This was a real eye opener for me, and worked a treat.
Mum had a whole succession of jobs for me. The harder I tried to clear the backlog, the faster those jobs kept coming.

The most ridiculous was asking me to empty and take out all the kitchen floor units in her large kitchen, lay the new roll of flooring in her front room that she'd had for years, put the units back and refill them...in less than a week as her long lost cousin was visiting.
I told mum "I can't do that".
"Well it's what I WANT" came the reply.
I left in floods of tears. I'd had a hysterectomy and a gynae repair a couple of years earlier, so was under strict instructions never to lift anything heavy again!!!
I never did the job, and sold the flooring 15 years later when she went into residential care.
Mum wasn't short of money, but didn't like any workmen coming into the house. After 40 years of renovating their house, it was still unfinished when sold.

The counsellor told me to adopt a "strictly one at at time policy", all jobs to be done at the pace I wanted, not mum.
When I was, inevitably given a second job, I said "you asked me to do this, I want to get it finished first before I start anything else". This worked a treat. If I never quite got round to a job, mum would think of someone else who could do it, like the husband of her cleaner.
If you are asked to go shopping for something, see if you can get it online.
Wow you have been through a lot and thank you for sharing this and giving me advice. Thank you I will try and reduce how much I do. I'm glad you put yourself and needs first. My mum doesn't expect me to do everything. It's just that I need To. Our situation is my fault both her stroke and diabetes it's like my way of atoning. She wants me to go but I cannot. It breaks my heart seeing my mum . And I don't have any purpose in life but to care for my mum and brother. Without them I have nothing to live for. Which is probably why this is all I do.

I dont see life improving so maybe that's why I don't do much for myself. These past 9 years went so fast.

Thank you so much. You have been so helpful over the years . I hope I can return the favour some day.
sunnydisposition wrote:
Sun Apr 18, 2021 2:03 pm
Melina_1806a wrote:
Fri Apr 16, 2021 3:54 pm
sunnydisposition wrote:
Fri Apr 16, 2021 3:23 pm


Melina I think you are being too hard on yourself. You've made amazingly great progress. You have decarded many crutches. It sounds like one last one to get control back. When we discard something there can be a tendency or a need to replace it with something else.

Have you heard of ....

https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/treatment/wrist-band

Self harming for 16 years is a long time. And you will a lot of support. Have you ever attend self harming support groups.

https://www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk/support-groups
https://www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk/ou ... t-services

How old is your Mum and brother?

Do they also need support.
I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Thank you for the links I will look at them. I appreciate your kind words but I have nothing to be proud of.my mum is 53 and my brother is 19. Yes they need alot Moe support than me. They need so much. Thank you.
If Mum needs aren't being met that not your fault or responsibility. Care needs can be met in many ways. That doesn't mean you have to be the person who has to met them.

You would be better to join a local carers group. These groups usual have a team of workers. Who have knowledge and experience to help carers.
Hello thank you for your kindness and advice . I do appreciate you taking the time to reply. I will definitely check out the links. Thank you so much.yes 16 years I first started when I was 7 but it didn't really take off until I was 13. I will try and get help. I never have because I didn't think I deserved it. Thank you I will take on your advice regarding a carers group. I have never been.

My mum is 53 super young. And my brother is 19. I just want them to be healthy and happy.
Why are you continually blaming yourself for mum's situation?
Why do you have to look after your brother?
Does mum say this??
Neither of them are your responsibility!!!
If mum was disabled when you were young mum should have done everything possible to ensure you had a happy normal childhood by getting a proper package of care for herself. Were you ever in a Young Carers group, for example?
You say you just want them to be happy?
Isn't it time they wanted YOU to be happy and healthy too??
Your well being is every bit as important as theirs.
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... al-support

https://clic-uk.org/

Clic is a free online community here to support everyone with their mental health.
bowlingbun wrote:
Mon Apr 19, 2021 5:04 am
Why are you continually blaming yourself for mum's situation?
Why do you have to look after your brother?
Does mum say this??
Neither of them are your responsibility!!!
If mum was disabled when you were young mum should have done everything possible to ensure you had a happy normal childhood by getting a proper package of care for herself. Were you ever in a Young Carers group, for example?
You say you just want them to be happy?
Isn't it time they wanted YOU to be happy and healthy too??
Your well being is every bit as important as theirs.
Hello and thank you for replying. No my mum doesn't blame me. I delayed treatment when my mum had a stroke. Of I had phoned the ambulance sooner he wouldn't of been disabled and as a result develop type 2 diabetes. I know this for a fact a nurse and paramedics told me this. I fed her bad food and now she has diabetes. I'm also prediabetic. I'm the common denominator in this. It's all my fault. So I don't care about being happy.
sunnydisposition wrote:
Mon Apr 19, 2021 12:57 pm
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... al-support

https://clic-uk.org/

Clic is a free online community here to support everyone with their mental health.
Thank you very much. I will definitely check this out.
You are not being fair on yourself. Have you ever told a counsellor about how you feel?

Imagine you were in Australia at the time. Who would be around to call the ambulance then?

Mum is responsible for how she lives, what she eats,. what she does.
Lots of people get diabetes, cancer, have strokes, have accidents.
Everyone is ultimately responsible for themselves. Mum, you, your brother.

Most importantly, in the current situation, your mum needs to have outside carers.
She may not want them, but she needs them.
Then you can get out more and enjoy life more.

Your current situation is unhealthy, and that can only change if you get out more.