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I'm a mess and can't do it anymore - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

I'm a mess and can't do it anymore

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
I do think this ''caring role'' we us those of us who have found ourselves in or took it upon ourselves to undertake - we have taken on a hell of a responsibility & yes some times sometimes it is okay to walk away.

But really in the meantime we never do walk away that person is always going to be at the forefront of our minds our hearts our lives - this very difficult job of being a carer.

But it is okay to ask for help - this needs to be made loud & clear - Drs' could do so much more, ours doesn't even acknowledge my existence & yet it is her practice - how this Dr ever made it through medical school is completely beyond me. I'd have her struck off quicker than you can say medicated & motivated!!! I really don't understand why the medical professions' are so utterly useless & so completely unsuportive - where did this all go wrong???

I think what I am trying to say is - we must learn to look after ourselves more I think that is what this forum is all about - & the majority of the posts always amaze me at how much we know compared to a Dr a psych a nurse etc. Possible it wouldn't be a bad idea for the medical profession to occasionally come onto this site & begin to address some of our issues ??? Not a bad idea or is it ???

Without a shadow of a doubt carers need a lot more support & a lot less aggravation such as the bedroom tax universal credit (tax) pips etc etc - how about for once giving us something tangible to make a voice heard how about a real voice in the commons the health service the local PCT etc etc - get these points across rather than us (bless us) being carted off to the psych section centre to join an ever growing number of burnt out exhausted carers who like us are us just waiting to happen - god bless take care.

That was meant to be helpful but I think I may have some genuine points there too.
I agree totally with your comments about doctors. In 34 years as a carer, I've never felt my caring role, and the stress it caused, was understood at all. I understand that doctors are very busy, but if there can be "continence nurses" and midwives for those expecting babies, why can't there be nurses or health visitors to make sure the carers in their practice are coping? So many times on the forum we see people whose GP's should have understood that there were problems looming but they did nothing. Perhaps a dedicated carers nurse could be a little more proactive, liasing with Social Services for extra care for those obviously struggling? Sadly, with the financial situation of the country just now, I can't see that we are a priority.
I think doctors are useless with situations they can't 'cure'. They are used to the 'break/fix' model of medicine. They wait for someone to come in with something broken (ie, a 'disease'),then they fix it. Then they wait for the next person to come alone with something broken for them to fix.

They can't cope with 'unfixable' situations, which most caring situations are. Caring situations are chronic. Most of the carees are NEVER going to 'get better' - the best outcome is when they die.... (I don't mean that we want them to die, I mean that dying is the only 'change' that is going to happen to them...)

Ironically, I also believe this 'break/fix' mentality also operates at the opposite end of the health spectrum. Just as doctors can't cope wiith 'unfixable' situations, so they simply can't cope with situations that haven't yet arisen!

As someone who lives in Cancerworld (it killed my husband), I have seen, over and over and over again, that doctors don't get to grips with the idea of actively anticipating cancer - they simply wait for the symptoms to show up and become 'irrfutable' and only then will they go 'oh, it might be cancer'.....


Then, when it is cancer, they go into 'break/fix' mode again. If the cancer is considered 'curable' (ie, early stage) they are happy. If not, and it's terminal ('incurab le') they simply wash their hands of it, just as they do with all chronic, incurable situatoins (just like caring situations are!), and walk away.

I think it must go back to their training, this 'hopelessness' in the face of incurable chronic situations.
Conrad, I'm afraid I agree with other posters that it may be time now to walk away from your mother and her problems. You are entitled to your life, and if your mother were in the good mental health she should be in, then she would want that for you. It is her psychosis that is making these unbearable demands on you, placing these unbearable burdens on you - her psychosis is not her, but her illness. The 'real' mother inside would NEVER want your life to be as ghastly as it is now.

I grew up with a mentally ill mother (with hindsight, it looks like undiagnosed bipolar, with paranoid schizophrenia to boot)(huge mood swings, and an unquenchable belief that she was being spied on and manipulated by Evil Agents', etc etc), so I really, really do know the intolerable strain of trying to live with or look after someone so mentally ill.

Your post seems to fear that you 'should' be able to cope, and that you 'should not' let anyone else know how ghastly things are. Let me tell you, you 'should not' HAVE to cope, or even THINK you should haveto cope! Heroism comes in many, many forms, and caring for a mentally ill relative is most DEFINITELY one of them!

Carers of all kinds of carees run the huge danger of being locked into the grim world of their carees - we become isolated and shut off from everyone else. We become prisoners of those we care for. A forum like this is essential to help break out of that locked in prison.....