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I can't do this any more - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

I can't do this any more

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
I want to thank you all for your kind words and support I would ring the police if he tried to attack us but he never seems to physically attack us just verbal and punching and throwing stuff. I have just got in from work he had a friend round and they were chatting normally . Now his friend has gone he is very agitated stressed and won't speak to me it's scary stuff.
I know it is scary Debra - the way they seem to switch from "normal" when other people are around to "over the edge" when it is just you can be very disturbing, but it is actually a sign that he trusts you to see the "real" him. Have you considered talking to him in a more overtly positive way? Saying things like "it was really good to see you interacting with a friend", or "it is OK to feel a little overwhelmed when you have had a busy day". On a course I went to last week called "Helping people who hear voices", we learnt that people with psychosis need to feel like those caring for them hear their concerns, believe their experiences, empathise with the distress it causes them, and 100% believe there is hope for a better future. It is a big thing to ask anyone to provide all of these things, but being the person that provides any one of these things will help you and your son feel more in control.

Do you have a list of strategies for helping to calm him down? Walking a short route together to let off steam, putting on headphones and listening to music, scrubbing a floor, tidying and organising something, a stress ball? Not everything works for everyone, but you know your son, so maybe you can identify something. We quite often use 5 things I can see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I can hear, 2 things I can smell, and 1 thing I can taste (usually a cuppa or a favourite snack). It doesn't get rid of everything, but brings the level of agitation down enough to be able to communicate.

I know what Anna said seems a bit like a pipe dream; I thought that too when I first started talking to her a year ago. I really didn't imagine that things could change so much, but they can and do. Sometimes you have to give the whole situation a bit of a kick to get it heading in the right direction, and hospital may be that kick. I was absolutely petrified that sectioning was going to be the worst thing that ever happened, but is has actually turned out to be the best thing that could have happened. My son has made some giant leaps forward in terms of compliance with medication and therapy, getting back to school, and getting his life back. He has actually gone out to stay at a friend's house tonight with a group of other lads for a movie marathon. I would never have been able to imagine that back in November. Keep holding on - you can get there xxxx
Thanks steph lots of distraction techniques to try . We had a chat tonight as he was calmer and I have told him about these things to try . He has apologised which is heartbreaking as it shows it's not him it's his illness. He has been sectioned in the past and I have to agree at the time there was no alternative and it was the start of him accepting treatment and becoming better. Maybe I'm being naive but I didn't realise he was going to relapse not just once but many times.
The relapse thing is something I am still trying to come to terms with too. Both the psychiatrist and the CPN have told me that these early years can be really like a roller coaster, but you learn to accept and understand what is going on a bit more each time, and by offering positive support and reinforcement to your son, he'll hopefully learn to cope better and ask for help sooner, so it won't be quite so dramatic.

This caring malarkey is flipping hard work. You are doing a great job, and no one expects you to be an expert. The most important thing is to just keep communication going, even when they are being really uncooperative. It is a learning process; sometimes it will be OK and you will both be able to cope and push through it, sometimes it will feel like the world is falling down around you and you'll have no idea what to do, but that is OK too. Always here if you need a chat. Despite my generally positive outlook, I do have days when I feel like I can't go on, or that I don't know what I'm doing too - it is totally normal to feel like that. After all, none of us are superheroes xxx

Glad things have calmed down a bit for the meantime. Fingers crossed it lasts xx
Hi, Sorry to hear about your problems with your son. Have you thought about calling the police and asking them to come round and talk to him about his behaviour right now, you dont have to wait till theres an incident.
If hes calm then he will be more receptive to listening and taking in what is being said as well. Also if you are frightened at any time then do phone them and walk out of the house. Your saftey is the most important thing.
You can also ask for him to be removed from your house and the Local Authority would have to find somewhere for him. What age is he?
Hi Debra,
I am new to this forum but already can see that your situation sounds so much like my own. My eldest son has been diagnosed with PTSD which means he has violent and aggressive outbursts. We have had holes punched in walls, double glazed units smashed and numerous broken items in the house. When he is in a rage he says the most hurtful things and although I try to tell myself that it isn't him saying them, it is his illness, there are only so many times that you can hear it without it chipping away at you. He is getting help now although we are a long way to saying he is well - as soon as we allow ourselves to think he is improving something else happens and we feel like we are right back to where started. Our youngest son has had to leave the family home as it was affecting him very badly - so at times we feel like we have lost both of them but for different reasons. Family and friends can't really help as they just cannot understand the magnitude of the situation - none of them have personal experience of this themselves so how can I expect them to understand? The one thing that I have learned though is that you must do whatever you feel is right for you and your family and whilst many will offer good advice, you must only follow what is right for you - only do what is in your heart and not what you think others expect of you. This behaviour is not a conscious choice, it is an illness therefore a telling off from the police may not be right for your son.
Hi kerry nice to know I'm not alone going through this and good to hear your son is doing a bit better now. We have an appt with the psychiatrist tomorrow and I'm going to speak a few home truths so not expecting a good day as I know my son will be angry as he always plays down his symptoms . I may be posting on here again tomorrow so might need a virtual hug
Hi Debra,

My oldest sister had the same issue with her youngest son, the whole family conducted research on abnormal behaviours and we chose to go down the holistic route as it would be the most safest way to feed the brain with natural remidies

theres loads of companies that offer this service but we chose a company called Jamie's Health

I hope this helps!

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