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I can't carry on like this - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

I can't carry on like this

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Block his number. Tell him he must agree to you, or someone else, being his Appointee, applying for the benefits he is entitled to, and managing them for him.
Marie,
I agree, tell him there is no more money coming from you - no exceptions. He needs to choose you or someone else to be his appointee, to claim benefits on his behalf and pay his rent, bills and give him an allowance to spend on food etc preferably weekly.

If you can think of anybody you could visit or find a B&B somewhere that you can afford - it would really help to get away from this for a few days to give both of you some space to think.

He needs to see you getting on with your life, as a role model for him and because you deserve a good life too.

Melly1
Thanks for replies.
I can't go away anywhere as I've no money. He's had it all. I'm on verge of having nothing left. He's already made me homeless once before.

I live very frugally and he spends more of my wages than me..

I'll be glad with the phone not ringing several times a day asking for loads of money and seeing my bank account dwindle down to almost nothing knowing I have to try and survive the month.

I caved in yesterday and he was back on the phone again getting more money out of me. He always has a desperate story to tell and I find it hard to refuse him. He's been battered before for debts he owes and this seemed a similar situation.

I'm so worried about him but my chest pains are getting almost constant now and I'm not sleeping at all and I've still got loads of work to do on my annual leave as I take on other jobs to pay for everything. I can't remember the last day I didn't have to work
I work most weekends evenings and annual leave as well as my full time job. I just feel like a slave.

The worse thing is seeing all my money go after I've worked and worked so many hours. It's a killer.

I am worried how he will cope though. He's very good at getting money out of people but can't seem to do anything else. I often wonder if he also has a brain injury from all the batterings but Ive tried to get help but as he's over 18 noone will listen and the homeless shelter people just have a go at me as does the receptionist at the GP practice if I attempt to try and get him an appointment. I had to give up trying as that was so stressful and I was just seen as the enemy.
Marie,
I caved in yesterday and he was back on the phone again getting more money out of me.
Only you can make this situation change, it's up to you. Either you continue working every hour to support his spending habits until you make yourself physically ill/ have a breakdown or you say no to giving him anymore money. Read through the replies in the thread. You have been given lots of good advice.

Melly1
Hi,

So sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.

You said he is in a housing organization property. Can you not ask for him to be put into supported accommodation for people with mental health issues? I know they are hard to come by but they do exist and they are allocated a key worker who will sit with them for an hour once a week and help them with a plan, i.e. budgeting and what not.

Refer him to the mental health department and tell them he struggles to meet appointments etc. so they know what support to give him etc.
On the verge - I tried trying to get supported accommodation a while back. They weren't interested once they knew he was on just basic UC. They said they charge at least £900 a week on rent for a basic room in a shared house with a support worker twice a week.
It's a money making scan really
Melly1. When your son is saying he's starving and has no food and that he's going to get battered I have a tendency to help him. I don't particularly want to witness what I have previously when he's been held down to the floor and had his he'd kicked in by a group of lads off a rough estate that even the police won't go into. There's also alot of stabbings where he is so I'm not risking it as he's been chased with a knife before. They don't tend to put the homeless in nice wealthy suburbs!

I've spent years trying to get help from GP and mental health team. They all just pass the buck to each other. My son hasn't even a local doctor at the moment. As I said before as he's over 18 noone will let me help. They are very resistant and just stop me from helping due to gdpr

At the end of the day the services only work for some. Others are left to care.
I pay my taxes like everyone else and feel it's wrong that some people get help and others don't. I can't take much more of this there's no easy way out unless I dump him like some people , not all, are suggesting on here
Marie - if it seems too drastic - stopping his money completely, then you could give him a small set amount each week just enough to keep him going. But you must stick to that amount so that you are not giving him money every time he asks for it. While you keep paying him - he will keep asking for more!
Hi Marie I really feel for you, I also have a 28 year old son with severe mental health problems. He has suffered with psychosis, depression etc since the age of 14. He lives at home with my husband and I and is our only child, fortunately I have managed to get him PIP with the help from a lady who works for a mental health charity (The Mary Francis Trust) she basically filled out all the forms for me. However he refuses to engage with the mental health team or our GP so I don't get any support for his behaviour. The crisis team are useless they just tell me to take him to A&E which he won't attend. I told my GP I was struggling to cope with him, but he basically said as long as you are looking after him you won't get much help, basically I need to chuck my son out which I won't do. I don't have any answers for you other than let you know you are not alone.