Husband not coping at the moment and I am struggling too

[Ann_1711]

Hi all,
I have not been here for along while, but just need to vent, my husband has had severe anxiety, severe depression and is agoraphobic he also tried to commit suicide 2 years ago, which I managed to stop,we have been through a rollercoaster with Mental Health support or lack there of !. We were told he was in a crisis and not suitable for counselling, but not "ill" enough to be admitted here are phone numbers if he tries to commit suicide again, take these tablets goodbye !.
So we coped alone, no follow ups and it took me complaining to get a review meds changed and again sent away. last February I again complained and he was reviewed again , we had an apology and new meds given referred to CBT to see if he could cope with it, then Covid happened, so nothing since, as he needs face to face as he just puts the phone down if he can not cope.
He lost his beloved job to redundancy and not been able to cope at all, he then only got temp jobs and finally accepted he could not work as his mental health spiralled , so on ESA joint income related, so its tough , my health then got worse and I lost my job I have ? MS diagnosed with CFS and fibromyalgia, awaiting other diagnosis, I usually cope really well, I was an Auxiliary Nurse and HCA for over 20 years, but my fatigues is high and I struggle daily at the moment, I like most of you deal with day to day stuff, bills shopping etc, with no support from my husband, he has again withdrawn, not wanting to interact, wash wants to sleep a lot, all his normal signs, we are trying to find a new GP, I just don't know what to do next, he did go to Andys Man Club, which is great, but he now has a ? heart issue and has been advised not to go out unless he really has too, and he just can't cope with going out at the moment.
I feel we are on a wheel going nowhere, he just seems to be in a constant down and I feel I have ^lost" him. I also feel I am losing myself as everything has to be planned around his care etc, I sound selfish but I really am not. It's our 25th Wedding anniversary in April, and I would just love to be able to help him more.

[Joy_2012]

Hi Ann

My current problems are nowhere near as bad as yours but I recognise the despair and feelings behind your post. I had a really bad day or two a couple of weeks ago. In the end I took myself off for a 5 mile walk along the canal because I didn't want to break down in front of him and couldn't think of anywhere else to go

For most of that time I was in tears.
Tears for my husband who like yours has times where he's struggling to cope.
Tears because he needs face to face input and that can't happen.
Tears because when I called the dementia helpline I was told to leave a message and someone would get back to me within 5 days.
Tears because when I phoned the carers UK number the lady I spoke to got straight to the heart of it by asking if I felt isolated and of course I did
Tears because I am self-employed but not allowed to work due to Covid and it could be months before I am allowed to restart
Tears because my life is on hold most of the time but I'm young enough to want to be off doing things still.
Tears because two offers of help I'd made to others that morning had been declined and I felt useless and rejected.
Tears because I didn't want to add more burden to the family by talking to them
Tears because I didn't want to go back home and put on a bright and cheery face
Tears because it was January 2021 and there was no end in sight - to anything
And finally tears because I'd run out of tissues!

I'd like to say that once all that was over I felt great but unfortunately that would be a big fat lie. However, it did unblock something in my head and over the following couple of days I did get back on a more even keel. The switch in my head is once more firmly switched to off but I know it will switch on again at some point unknown to me.

I'm sorry I don't have answers but maybe you could get your wedding photos out to look at with him to remind him how happy you were and marvel that 25 years later you love him just as much. Maybe he could suggest a way to celebrate that fact?

You haven't lost yourself - it's the Sat Nav at fault for not giving you the right directions! Good luck xxxx