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Husband mentally ill and struggling - Carers UK Forum

Husband mentally ill and struggling

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Hey guys

My husband has seeked help since 2018 for his depression and anxiety. We have had a few bad years and he just doesnt seem to be improving. He has tried so many meds, currently on venlafaxin and mertazapine. He doesnt open up much but is very angry, irritable and cannot cope a lot of the time.

He saw a psychiatrist in 2019 and have asked to to back but they discuss him in the team meetings then dont see him and say nothing more they can do. He was suppose to start telephone therapy in Sept 2020 but he delayed it due to our puppy dying and the woman never got back in contact with him. Previously we have funded therapy for a certain period but hes just not improving.

For myself, I am a midwife and work part time. I do everything in the house. Currently I work split nights as my husband is regularly sleepy during the day and needs a nap, he cannot cope with the kids for long. We have a puppy as thought it was a good idea to get him more exercise and excuse to leave the house as he didnt really go out only food shopping.

Anyway my current concerns:
Work- have I got grounds for a flexi contract based on husbands mental health? I havent really got anyone else to look after the kids and although it is exhausting doing everything, doing split nights means I can be there for everyone I dont need to worry. I have a new manager and the old one didnt tell the new one (long story) so I'm at risk of being put into days and my nights are together, but I get so embarrassed talking about it, people dont understand that he Is at home, doesnt work, but cant look after the kids for 12.5 hours.

Husband in general- how can the GP just say 'carry on'when he is so depressed/anxious, irritable, had to call the police on the weekend as he threatened to kill himself and went out. Previous july 2020 he took an overdose of meds. Its just draining for me but I dont know what else to do.

Kids- my eldest I'm pretty sure is autistic and I need to get her an assessment. (High functioning, more asperges) but she is difficult to manage, my youngest is 5 and has so many sensory issues and separation anxiety from me, always has been and still is high needs. I am SO exhausted from trying to do everything and be the best mum, and look after the house work (I am a bit OTT with the cleaning) any words of wisdom for one broken mum? My memory is so bad and has been for a while I'm not sure if it's the constant lack of sleep or just that I've got so much in my I cannot think of the words I need. Even writing this the youngest is having a tantrum that shes hungry.
Reading your post, you have too much on your plate.
You are classed as "Disabled by Association"" and covered by the Equality Act.

My son has severe learning difficulties, I know how challenging special needs can be.
Where are you in the assessment process?
Are you happy with their schools?
Have you claimed DLA for either of them?
Hi Anna, I am so sorry for you. I don't know how you keep going.
My advice would be to get your husband to phone the Samaritans on 116 123. It is a free 24 hour service. The Samaritans are truly amazing and are trained to help people going through a crisis.
There is another service called NHS Talkng Therapies - more details on the internet.
Has he a friend or family member who he can talk to over the phone or in person?
This threat of suicide is too much for you to cope with on your own.
It is very important that he knows that you really care about him - sorry if that sounds obvious.
If possible take time off work.
Please keep in touch,
Take care,
Karen x
Plus, think back to 2018 when his depression and anxiety started. Encourage him to talk about events leading up to that time.
This feed has just made me join. I am in such a similar situation to yourself, and I came here looking for support.

My children are slightly younger (1 and 3) and I am currently a full time primary teacher. I have just started therapy myself for anxiety. I have been having panic attacks and struggling to function properly with the weight of caring for 2 young children, a seriously depressed husband, and work f/t. All without the hugs and love of my closest family and friends.

This morning my husband wasn't able to get out of bed (we had conversation last night that left him feeling very angry) so I have had to get our children up, take them to nursery, walk the dog and am now teaching online all day. Due to school closures I am currently on a 1 week in/ 1 week out rota (but the week out is probably more intense and busy that the week working on school).

I am struggling so much. I wanted to go and stay with my mum this weekend (she lives alone and I am her support bubble, but haven't seen her since Christmas, so she has been completely alone since then), me raising this was what started last nights conversation. He was very supportive at first and suggested I go alone, which was very generous - but he has barely been functioning this week and is very delusional about this (for example: the conversation was on Tuesday evening, and he'd forgotten that just the day before he'd accused me of not telling him I was working from home that week, had become angry and cross with me about it, had got the children ready for nursery in the most awfully grumpy and abrasive way, and then told me, "I'm not taking the dog, you need to walk him" - normally they all walk to nursery together and kills both birds with one stone. This was at 8:10, I was starting 3 hours of live teaching at 9, followed by recording multiple video lessons and needing to phone 30 children individually to check in with them. He then didn't speak to me for the rest of the day). I therefore suggested he might find it very tiring and that it might make next week harder if he had the children alone for that time.

I told him I'd just started therapy for my anxiety and said I wish he'd revisit therapy as an option (he is currently on meds only) and have been trying to persuade him to do couples therapy with me for some time but he is very opposed to it. I mentioned that I still would liek to do couples therapy, and his reaction was that he thought we were "past that". He has probably given me the silent treatment 6 days out of the past 14. He thinks our relationship is in a good place now.

After last nights conversation I went up to bed as I was exhausted, he stayed up an extra hour and then slammed around the house and then went to sleep in the spare room. I am desperate to go to see my mum, and refuel and refill my "running on empty" feeling, but I am now anxious to leave him. He will be unlikely to come with me, and actually what I need is some space from him. His parents live abroad so I can't suggest he stays with them (I did arrange for him to go over there for a month earlier this year when he was particularly low and I was also running of fumes).

No solutions I know. Just wanted to offload somewhere.

Thank you for reading this far if you got through the waffle
Hi Rosie,
unless you are worried what he might do if left alone, I would take the children and go to your Mum's this weekend. It will benefit all of you.

Hi, I totally get where you are coming from I am in a situation where I am not coping too, there seems little help out there at all and it can be a daily struggle, you are obviously doing your very best, but it must be so hard with children at least my son is grown , living and from home. I hope you can get the support you need sending hope and healing xx
Hello Rosie,
Welcome to the forum.
Wow! It's amazing all that you're doing. I understand how tired you're feeling.
Does your husband still work or has he stopped working to care for the children?
I hope you don't mind me asking these questions. If you tell us a bit more then we might be able to help.
Best wishes,