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He's Gone - Carers UK Forum

He's Gone

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Hi I've recently joined up. I care for my partner he is either has bipolar or psychotic depression. We also have a 2 year old old boy. Yesterday he cut himself & I asked him to leave not forever but until he is better I struggle with him everyday as well as run the house and try to raise a 2 year old I am totally alone and only have family and friends support up until yesterday they din't know the full extent. *S* has been ill since October 2008, when he attempted suicide. I had to give up my job to look after him because I couldn't leave our little boy at home with him.

I don't know how long it's going to take it could take months for him to feel in control. I just can't have him here doing that with our son around.

Will it ever get easier?
Blimey I hope so as my husband is the same and I was feeling the same as you too, no one replied to me but many read my post so here I am to say I am hearing you!

I feel so desperate some days and think about leaving but what can we do, I know if I left he would take his life but I am only in my 40's just escaped from a violent marriage to end up to be the carer to my mentally ill and very unstable new husband. He was so vibrant and full of ideas for the future...where is that man?! I want my future with him back, all I have now is just a lonely old life. My husband just shuffles around and sleeps all day. I cannot leave him and we have no friends left now. He is very unstable mentally and I cannot leave him alone.

Oh sorry to hijack your post, the answer is I dont know, I guess you have to have hope...I go from hope to despair a million times in a day.
PM me if you would like to...I know where you are oming from and this forum is quite slow when you are feeling low.

thinking of you xxx

I can't offer much in the way of practical advice as it's not something I've had much experience in, but I hope that I, and everyone else on the forum, can provide some emotional support as it's a common feeling among carers to feel like you're in a really difficult, and unfair situation.

All I can think to say on the practical side is to speak to social services, family and friends, any local carer's groups or any groups that specialise in your husbands conditions and see if they can offer anything and see if anyone can help out. I know this may not all be practical and I apologise if I'm just suggesting the same old ideas. You mentioned that family and friends only recently became aware of how serious things are. Are any of them able to help? Even if just to give you some respite in general so you can have some time to yourself and your son?

I hope you can find some support. L
It is down to his ill health condition whatever odd and difficult behaviour appear (not everything though). I am worried about your partner - does he get or accept medical support?
He is diagnosed so he should have some support, i.e. medication. If he sees only GP I suggest to get a referral to see a consultant asap. Did he have a risk assessment? Calling 999 is an option but getting a good support from the Police is like a lottery...

Self-harm is a serious matter for every body not just the person concerned. Are you given some information as Carer? Your local Carers Service is the place for you: to provide info & safe place to talk. But if things get worse during out of office hours, there is a Mental Health Service called "Crisis Servis/Team". They can visit to see patients and they should have active telephone line for patients & Carers / families. They should be involved as there is concern towards a little one's welbeing too.

useful links:

Saneline: 0845 767 8000 (6pm - 11pm)
Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90 (24hrs)

I know it is very hard, but please try not to argue with your partner. He lives with great pains too.

Take care.
I try not to argue with him but he is more than capable to help out he just doesn't.
He is under the care of our local mental health team and has been for 18 months. He see's his social worker from the enhanced team twice a month. The crisis team is involved again. He is on lithium, duloxatine and something else.
He also doesn't help himself he has been asked a trillion times to exercise more, eat better and keep a diary and he bloody doesn't I get so frustrated with him. Sometimes it's like he doesn't want to get better.
I have noticed a pattern in his 'down times' He had an episode in Nov the same time my nan had a stroke, then again 2 days before Xmas his sister was in hosp & they weren't going to let her home and again 2 weeks ago when his sister and her husband broke up. which makes me wonder if it is all about attention.
When he cut himself he rang everyone to tell them! like he was bragging?
His family are so quick to criticise me and tell me I'm not supporting him enough, but they never offer any help, and today he has gone to his mums she left him at home all day on his own.

I was told by the crisis team about a year ago they were here to help me too, then told me I was not their priority.
His Social worker gave me a carers handbook full of numbers and websites. When do I have time to sit down and chat to someone. I have a 24year partner who needs my constant support and attention and a 2 year old that needs the same.
Apart from my family I have no support!
Hello FT
I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to you but it is due to your partners mental illness that he acts this way. This is no consolation to you I understand. Mental illness is so very complex as many here will know. It's good that you try not to argue with him, believe me it won't help and I understand your frustration here!
Having a two year old is very hard work and so tiring alone without caring responsibilities.
If his family know he is ill then why don't they help and support you? I'm sure this would help you both enormously.
I have never found any of the services for mental illness helpful at all but I'm wondering if maybe you could have some counselling to help support you in your role as a Carer.
It is obvious that you're doing the best you can but are now at breaking point.
Maybe you could speak to your Dr also to see if he can suggest anything constructive.
God bless
Have you ever been in touch with MIND?They are wonderful people, and have active support workers who will help YOU. One of my sons was supported by MIND, and the support worker still takes me out once a month or so for a coffee, and just to talk about how my life is going.It helps so much, there is no judgement, and I know it will go no further.
Good luck. x
I know just how you feel I have been through the same with my husband for years. In 2007 he became very unstable worse than he has ever been. He was sectioned twice and escaped from the secure ward. We did not know where he was until we got statements from a credit card, he was driving around the country high and staying in hotels one night at a time. On top of his bi polar he is medically ill so we exspected the worse. Police were looking for him and he was eventually found and arrested as they thought he was dangerous. Someone at a hotel contacted the police because of his behaviour.
He was returned to the psychiatric hospital and put on sedatives and antisphyotics and for the next 2yrs was like a zombie, sleeping untill 2pm unable to function, no interest in life and suicidal. Eventually after numerous medication changes he saw a new consultant who sorted his medication out and the regime he is on now has changed his life. We do have times when he is high but it is nothing compared with what he has been through. We always remember that He is a good man that is still there. BUT IT IS VERY HARD.
I did have support from my son and daughter but it has been tough on them and affected them badly over the years. My main support came from Making Spaces, my family support worker has kept me sane, she has a lot of knowledge and info more than the mental health team. So have a check in your area see if they have a branch by you.