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grieving? - Carers UK Forum

grieving?

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Hi everyone, i have been a member for some time but have found it difficult to post on here before. I have been caring for my wife. who was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia nearly 10yrs ago. and there have been many difficulties but i have found the loss of the woman i married and the feelings of grief the hardest...i just dont recognise her since the first episode.
I feel as though after all this time i should be able to deal with it better than i do.
I wondered if anyone else felt the same and had any pearls of wisdom.

thanks
jay
Hello Jay

no pearls of wisdom I'm afraid :) Only to say that I have some idea of what you're going through - I cared for my Mum who had Alzheimer's and know the grief of losing someone you love whilst they are still alive. I suppose what kept me going was the realisation that no matter how much she changed I still loved her.

You might find that counselling will help - I know that some members here have found it extremely useful to be able to talk to someone outside of their immediate family circle.
Hi Jay

I've just read our post and I'm afraid I cannot offer any pearls of wisdom but can understand to some extent as I have lost so much of the husband I used to have - I love him and care for him but I miss so much the conversations we used to have, walks by the seaside, all the everyday seemingly simple things that used to occupy our time.

I feel the grief you describe - living with sorrow.
Hi Jay,

My O/H has bipolar, and, due to overdose a couple of years ago, hypoxic brain damage; which means he has suffered physically and cognitively. I just go to work, thankfully next door, and come home. It's a lonely old existence, and social life is difficult when the problems are felt so acutely by people who may at times come into our home. Most of our random visitors are occupational therapists! I too have difficulty accepting our situation, but I still do care for him. You are not alone...wouldn't it be lovely to have the all elusive magic wand.

There are those that seem to have people around to give a little support and there are those who are not as fortunate. Every day I try to count my blessings, some days are good some not so good.

I miss what I believe life should have been like had this awful illness not taken hold, and I'm still grieving. I'm hoping I'll get better at accepting our life as it is now, but it's so hard isn't it? You take care, and I hope you at least can have some better days, and when the bad days come be kind to yourself and know we understand.
There are some things that you have picked up along the way to help you care for her, but the situation I guess is if you can recognise what they are.

I admit you are right, it is so difficult to cope, but after 10 years it seems you have really hung in there, very commendable. I think it just goes to show that you love her and do not see her as a burden. I care for my mother who has paranoid schizophrenia and things have become so difficult that she has become hostile to me, but I know that its not her, its mainly the illness that speaks for my mother.

The best advise I can give you is do not try travel the carer's journey alone, try find time to join a carers group, if you have not done so already.
It's really important to have something to escape to. Whether it's the darts team at your local, a stamp club, anything. Just so you get time out, some off duty time to enjoy yourself and rechargevyour physical and mental batteries.