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I am so weary of it all - Carers UK Forum

I am so weary of it all

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
My daughter has bipolar (and other mental health issues) and I have cared for her all of her life but more intensively for approx 20 yrs.

I am 62 and this latest admittion to hospital has just about worn me out.

| feel so angry and upset and weary. I am sick of all the abuse, the hatred she expresses to me, the sheer physical and emotional effort of maintaining her life on the 'outside' while she continues to hurl abuse at me from her hospital ward.

I also feel that this episode is due to her lack of taking responsiblility for her wellness as she has managed for 2 years to maintain a blanaced life and keep well and stay out of hospital. Something tiggered it, I know that but instead of getting the help she has available in many forms she let it all go and became EXTREMELY ill.
I know that many of you reading this will not understand and accuse me of being hard, unsympathetic and not understanding enough BUT when SHE IS ILL i AM ILL TOO ~ i AM TIRED.
People will understand, so many on here are exhausted and, although the conditions might be very different, i.e. not mental health, you are not alone in having to deal with issues which could have been avoided either because services failed to act in time or the people we care for would not comply with treatment.

I know that it is difficult but could you take advantage of your daughter being cared for in hospital and take a break somewhere to just rest and recharge you batteries, or perhaps your batteries are beyond recharging, I suspect that mine are rapidly heading that way, but just to take a break would give you an opportunity to get away from the pressure and consider the best way forward more objectively, difficult when you are in the midst of it, which may mean that you realise that you can no longer care, there is no shame in that, sometimes it is the only solution when you have got to the point where caring is no longer a viable option and it can benefit both carer and caree.
thank you for the reply
I have an appointment with her social care worker to discuss her lack of responiblilty and how to move forward from this.
I am very scared of the outcome as this is a new approach and I am sure you will agree any change is difficult Image
Ickle, I would doubt very much if anyone reading this would accuse you of anything apart from being a little hard on YOURSELF.


My husband has Bipolar and over the years I too have allowed myself to be the focus of his hatred and abuse. Certainly with him, I believe there is only so much of his condition he could attribute to his behaviour. There is always a degree of personal choice involved too.

In some ways, your needs are more important than your daughters. If you are her carer, then you need the strength to be able to do that. Looking after yourself while you have some time is an absolute must.

X
thank you all
what is upsetting me and making me quite angry at the moment is that her social care worker ( who is wonderful btw) brought to my attention just how much this latest 'episode' has been caused by my daughters lack of responsibility in doing the things that she knows to do which will keep her well.

In the past I have not had this 'insight' pointed out to me and I always thought that she was a 'victim' once again of this terrible illness and that she could not help becoming ill ........oh and how I did feel sorry for her.

For the first time in over twenty years I have realised that she now has choices about her illness and one of those choices is choosing to keep well.

I cant get my head around the fact that all this could have been avoided and the hate and abuse and violence that I have to go through every time she is ill could be at the very least minimised.
I logically understand that she did not ask for the curse of bipolar in her life, nor does she want it and she sufferes when ill. However, I am angry that she allowed it to get so bad. I am also angry that I was not more aware of her part in all this.

forgive me for ranting but I have NO other family to talk to
Ickle, while your daughter may know what helps/causes problems, it may be that the underlying difficulty means that she doesn't recognise when it's happening. I know it's a different condition, but a friend of mine is diabetic with poor control (poor reaction to insulin). As a result he hypos quite regularly but doesn't recognise the signs: the first thing to go is his self-awareness.

I believe the same can happen with mental health issues.
[quote]Ickle, while your daughter may know what helps/causes problems, it may be that the underlying difficulty means that she doesn't recognise when it's happening. I know it's a different condition, but a friend of mine is diabetic with poor control (poor reaction to insulin). As a result he hypos quite regularly but doesn't recognise the signs]
Really?? i have diabetes so I understand what you mean............then why is her social care worker taking this view it is really upsetting me and now I am confused too
The social worker might not be as twisted as me!

More seriously, it's easier to say "it's his/her own fault" - then you don't have to put anything in place to deal with it. We all like to take short cuts and we all make assumptions. But I think it's worth considering the possibility that your daughter isn't as self-aware about her condition as people think: one of the symptoms of bi-polar disorder is not recognising the false euphoria of what used to be described as the "manic" phase.
What do you think? You know your daughter better than anyone else, do you recognise that she reaches a point where she could take action to control her condition and does not or do you think that she lacks insight into changes which denote the onset of more florid symptoms?

Issues around allowing patients to take responsibility for themselves are common in mental illness, professionals, through failing to acknowledge that some degree of self-awareness, insight and capacity exist, frequently undermine patients ability to take decisons resulting in an unnecessary degree of dependency where the patient lacks the confidence to trust their own judgement sometimes to the point where need others to take responsibility for all aspects of their lives when they still have the capacity to make decisions for themselves. Or it may be that your daughter does lack the ability to be aware of changes in mood and is unable to act. I think that if you are being given mixed messages you should trust your own knowledge of your daughter.
thank you both, you have indeed given me something to think about.
I am meeting with her worker on Monday and will discuss this further.

I think that is why I am so down about it all this time as he is certainly implying that it is her 'fault' and that was upsetting me greatly.
I will talk it over with him and see if I have misunderstood him.
In the meantime I am going to consider the new things that you have pointed out to me.

It is certainly good to know that i can get advice on here
thanks again