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finding it hard to find help for myself - Carers UK Forum

finding it hard to find help for myself

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
never been on one of these forums before, but felt like there is no-one to talk to or have someone to listern when you are the carer living with someone with metal health problems. Hello my name is wendy and live with my husband who for years has depression and distress intolerance, I have been to my Doctors and broke down telling her how hard its been living each day not knowing how the day is going to go always treading on egg shells, feeling like I always seem to say and do the wrong things with my husband, arguments we seem to have, I know he is suffering but if I don't find help for myself how can I help him. He gets help from a councillor every 2 weeks and is on medication and sees his Doctor 6 weekly for sick notes as he has been off work now for over 12months.
I am also on medication as my doctor thought it better to help me feel alittle more relaxed to help him but also said to find some kind of support group for me, so I have found this forum via the mind website.
Hope I get some feed back on here with either help or someone to talk to on here would be great. Thankyou for reading my first post
Hi Wendy,
quiz show time................

hello there and welcome to carers UK. Tell us about yourself What's your name and where do you come from.

Your not alone in how you feel (as you'll quickly see on here) so feel free to vent your frustration, ask for advice or just have a natter. If you want a private chat feel free to send a private message to people you want to talk to etc who knows the person you message might need someone to talk to aswell and just to nervous to make contact :)
Hi Wendy, welcome to the forum.

Please DON'T tell us your real name or where you live. It's important on a forum not to reveal too much information to the general forum.
Has the doctor offered you any counselling? I found it hugely helpful when my disabled mum wanted me to do more and more and more for her. I learned how to manage her expectations. A counsellor has far more time with you than a GP can offer.
Have you asked Social Services for a Carers Assessment for you, and a Needs Assessment for you? Often, there are local services which are not advertised.
yeah that first part was actually a Joke don't put personal details on here
Hi Wendy
You are quite right and well done for recognising that you need to be well and strong to even have a hope of coping with your life as it is now. I can't talk MH to you because I am in an entirely different caring situation but on this forum, we are all listening and all sympathetic and all carers. People who think they can offer you some suggestions will answer and also people like me who can only say, hello, welcome and send you a cyber hug!
Hello to all that has replied to my posting, thankyou all its greatly received that you have taken the time to reply and offer some help/just to say I am not alone, if I can answer yes Doctor has offered me counselling if I want it but what sort do I need (that might sound like a daft question) I ask because most counsellors deal with people with problems, do I count as someone who has a problem? It seems that there are not any support groups for people like me who possibly needs assurance that this can get better and will eventually see some light at the end. Alittle about me/husband is he has had depression for along long time but it wasn't till last year he finally realised he needed help, but it has taken up to now to finally get him a counsellor, he gets so anxious and turns things round that I might say to him so it all seems worse than what I might of said/done, also he always tells me that I hate him (which I don't and never said I do), he feels worthless, and most times just wants to be alone or stay in bed where he says he feels safe, things for me came to head a few weeks ago when I had no option to call the police cause no-one had heard or seen him in over 12 hrs and wouldn't take my phone calls or text msg, so of course I was very worried indeed, its things like this that I find very hard to deal with and how do I cope with. Once again thankyou its nice to know someone is out there listerning/reading my posts
Hi Wendy,
In Wales there is a charity called HAFAL who specialise in carer support and they do things like meet up with you once a week at a place of your choosing for a brew and a chat and can help advise and support you with things like which counseling etc might be helpful for both you and your husband, they can give advice on coping skills, refer you to courses that will help you and arrange different forms of respite for you. I imagine they have a similar thing in your area, your GP and the mental health team will be able give you information on how to contact them.
Counselling isn't always for problem people!!
I wouldn't have needed counselling if I wasn't a carer. We don't have normal lives, always thinking of our carees, with physical and/or mental strains and worries that most of the rest of the population haven't got a clue about.
My housebound mum would always have an enormous list of jobs for me, whenever I visited, and the more I did, the more she dreamed up. My counsellor taught me how to manage this, by choosing the job I thought needed doing most. Inevitably, I was given more before the first was finished. The counsellor taught me to say that I would like to finish job 1 before starting job 2. This sounds so simple, but I'd always grown up thinking I must do what mum wanted when mum wanted. I'd never learned to say "No" to her! He taught me to think better of myself, that I should be proud of what I did, not guilty that I couldn't do everything. If you have the right counsellor, it really does help.
Re Counselling.

Yes, you DO have a problem - you have a husband with depression! THAT'S your problem!

So you are entirely entitled to counselling that will, I hope, help you develop coping strategies, and 'management' strategies to deal less distressfully for yourself with the problems your husband has!

Wishing you and your husband all the best, Jenny
Hi Wendy

I just wanted to offer up a hello and maybe a little ray of light. I look after my son, who has severe mental health issues, and I feel lost, frustrated and bleak at times too. It really is an emotional rollercoaster, and things can and will get better. That is not to say there won't be times when things feel terribly dire, and that you are being dragged into the black pit too, but those times are just transient, even if they feel like they are an eternity. Recovery is a very long journey, and in the scheme of things, a year in to treatment is still early days.

I hope you will find that as you chat openly on here, your resilience to things will naturally grow, I think mostly because you stop feeling so alone in your situation. This time last year, I was on the edge of completely falling apart, as it felt like we were living in a permanent state of crisis, but thankfully, finding this group to share my feelings and frustrations really helped to pull me through. Those crisis situations still occur every now and then, but I now find it much easier to deal with them in a way that doesn't make me crumble in to a heap too.

One of the things that I have learnt that has really helped me is to not beat myself up for not being perfect. Sometimes we do get it wrong, sometimes we do say or do the wrong thing, but that is OK; we are only human. Acknowledging that is fine, even admitting it to our carees, but you must not use it as a bat to beat yourself with. Just try to use the experience to help you change the way you deal with things in the future.

I can honestly say that opening up and sharing your situation does the world of good, so please keep talking to us.

(((Hugs))) Steph x