Feel utterly alone in this...

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
I found counselling helped me with my feelings of frustration, sadness, anger and hopelessness.
Hello Laura
Sometimes, reading texts, letters, forum messages, can read so differently to how it is meant. We probably all realise this after feeling annoyed at hurt at suchlike, where face to face you can ' read' body language and actually feel a hug etc.
Please don't feel attacked as that is not the intention.
Another trait of human nature, and loving someone, is you can say what you like about them, have a moan etc , but as soon as someone else does, the need to defend and stick up for them kicks in.
My sister adores her husband but sometimes will grumble about him to me , always ends with but he is ever so good really!!
I'm sad you feel attacked, and that you are going through such hurt ( my situation is different to yours, but still very painful)
Please stay with the forum, as it's a good place to vent, helps sort out the mixed feelings we can get and practical help is around.
Laura, you told us your were "heartbroken" that your cash Christmas savings had all been spent by your husband.
A whole lot of embarrassment could easily have been avoided if you had just put the money in the bank.

Yes, it's your home, but it's also the home of your husband who is currently mentally ill and has a past history of taking your money. So why did you put temptation in his way? Was it some sort of test?!

It really doesn't matter how you interpret it, the money has gone, and the whole family will suffer at Christmas as a result.

I'm a great believer in personal responsibility, so you have both failed each other.
Now is the time to sit down and agree how you are both going to deal with money in the future, and what you are going to do about Christmas.
"I have employed all of the strategies people advise. I control the finances and give him an allowance that is "his" that he can spend on what he wants and he has a bank account with no overdraft facility. I do everything I can to keep him away from credit. I make sure all the essential bills for the house etc are taken care of. Anyone who cares for someone like this knows what it is like... the constant need to be vigilant. He has, on many occasions, stolen and destroyed my post to conceal any bad spending."

You've done all the above, which sounds absolutely excellent - and then left a FORTUNE in the house for him to find and spend when he was at his worst!

I, too, was wondering whether, perhaps subconsciously even, you were 'hoping' that 'this time' he would 'resist the urge' that comes over him.....that, maybe, you were 'telling yourself' that he is not REALLY the afflicted person he is???

???? Do you think that might be so?? It would be understandable, even if 'rash' (as you now know, sigh).

(All that said, personally, I can't even begin to imagine keeping that much money at home and not in a bank!) (That's what banks are for!)
"I came here for support, not to be told to walk away from my marriage"

Yet when you described what you are going through now, you also said that if you described your home life to anyone they would tell you to leave!

It could be, though, that if you can 'contain' the malign impact of the 'bad times' ie, by ensuring there is nothing he CAN steal when those bad times are controlling him, that you can 'tough them out' for the sake of all the good that you also describe. That the 'good times' outweigh the bad times.

All that said, your first responsibility is to your children, not your husband, whatever vows you took. They must not suffer for his illness.

How has he reacted to your discovery of this current theft? Is he remorseful? What is he going to go to repay you, and do what he can to ensure his step-children's Christmas is not ruined by having no presents? If he frittered the money away, as you say, on THINGS, then I think he should hand them over to you - he should not be allowed to 'enjoy' them, when they are 'stolen goods'.

I do appreciate he is 'not himself' when the mania comes over him, but for all that, it has appalling consequences for you - reducing you to heartbroken tears - and to your children - robbing them of Christmas.
Laura_181112 wrote:
Sat Nov 17, 2018 10:16 pm
Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

I'm not sure attacking me for keeping cash is productive. This is my home for goodness sake.

My husband is not a layabout or a monster. He works full time and keeps the roof over our heads. He is an attentive and affectionate parent. He is committed to his treatment and attends all his appointments on time and takes his medication. He does not drink. He is intelligent and thoughtful and affectionate.

At the same time, he has an illness that affects his mood and has unpleasant symptoms that make our life difficult at times and make me at times frustrated, sad, angry and hopeless.

I took vows to stick with him in sickness AND health and for better OR worse. I came here for support, not to be told to walk away from my marriage.
Hi Laura
Just wanted to send you so much love and understanding right now, and to say what a marvellous job you are doing. Mental Health issues are so misunderstood, that it really needs someone who has walked in your shoes to understand the daily difficulties and heartbreak that we as carers endure.
I care for an adult son who has schizophrenia, and I can relate to the money struggles you describe, and the need to be hyper vigilant. Please know that you are not alone in this struggle.
Kindest regards. xx
Hi Laura

Just wanted to post as others have to send you a hug - I'm going through a situation slightly similar to yourself although my husband has different issues as a result of his anxiety and depression.

I know how it feels to feel so utterly alone, I don't have many people in my life I can turn to and I don't tell people like my parents everything that goes down as I still want to protect my husband and believe it's his illness making him do the things he does.

I can't give any advice, personally I'm hanging on in there until the new year as we are still going to give marriage counselling a go, follow your heart and if you want to talk just drop me a message or keep using the forum.

Emma x