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Fed up (BPD) - Page 5 - Carers UK Forum

Fed up (BPD)

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
62 posts
Paul _1807 wrote:
Wed Aug 29, 2018 11:07 am
Last night after a row my BPD wife told me we were over because i get annoyed with her running off to her mate 50+ miles away to get blind drunk, see i dont mind once a month, but there was a stage it was every weekend for 7 or 8 weekends straight. And its always the same excuse i get for her needing to do this. things maybe different between us when she wakes up but im near the point where i dont care anymore, but id feel so guilty leaving my kids with her, she isnt a threat but its her constant mood swings
Oooh. That's a tough situation Paul.

She is trying to escape responsibility by running away to drink with friends.

Perhaps (and this is said with good intentions, for you and your children) it might be best to leave and take custody of the children? Just a thought. A tough situation, but ask yourself how you can make your life easier - and save the children for the sake of their future.
Hi Jane,sorry for the slow reply, we are still together, moving out with the kids is not a viable option for me at the moment as there are 6 of them. And tbh leaving them with her is ok as she is a very good mum, but i am close to the point of walking, im trying to further my djing career wich has been soooo slow,but its picking up slowly. Im playing this Friday but its a problem because she was planning to go away for the night. See its ok for her to do whatever, but im only allowed when its ok with her plans, she is supportive in some respects but not 100%
Before it became known her BPD came up as being a big part of our problem, i had read an article on narcissism, and it fitted her down to a T , but i didn't confront her with my new found information, after a row had blown over and we talked like human beings she insisted that it her issues were mainly down to her BPD, in between all that i joined this forum and a group on FB for partners and families that support or who have supported a partner or family member or close friend with BPD, I'd pushed the notion of narcissism to the back of my mind until today, in said FB group the author of "Walking on Eggshells" posted in there for qustions advice and people willing to speak to her about thier personal stories, one thing she said jumped out at me, BPD narcissistic personality disorder can go hand in hand, knowing my wifes emotionally abusive behaviour(sulking till she gets her own way) the penny dropped
Glad the penny dropped!

Hope that shows you you must NOT 'walk on eggshells' (I've not read that book, I read a companion one, that mentioned it, and have recommended the concept - ie, NEVER to walk on eggshells! - ever since!)

'Appeasement' only encourages bad behaviour. It certainly did for Hitler!

NP is THE most repellent of the personality disorders, for obvious reasons, but I guess the only 'tolerance' once can offer is that those who are narcissistic, if they are not actual psychopaths (who don't - can't? - acknowledge the existenence of other people except as 'meat' to themselves)(the ultimate predators....), then they are those who fear abandonment (eg, from childhood). They have been themselves neglected/emotionally abandoned, and so have 'given up' on being dependent on anyone else, untrusting of anyone else, and thinking only of themselves.

Think of the old folk song 'I care for nobody, no not I, and nobody cares for me'.....

That's their mindset. It makes them 'monstrous' definitely, and unless the ROOT CAUSES of their personality disorders are dealt with and rooted out, then all the rest of us can do is 'save ourselves' - ie, stop walking on eggshells!

If they get angry, tough. Who cares? Other people's anger is THEIR problem. Not our.

Tell your wife you are out DJ-ing this Friday, that those gigs come your way more seldom than her stupid boozing friend does, and that therefore means this gig takes precedence. Tell her what time you are going out, and when you will be back (LLLLLAATTEEEEE), and that IF she leaves the children on their own after you've gone, you'll phone the police and report her.

Could she leave home before you do?

If so, just make sure you leave even earlier, even if it is not to go to the gig, but to while the time away somewhere else.

Good luck!

(This is a blatant 'power play' by her to control you. Don't let it.)
Hi Jenny, yes it dropped in a big way which has kick started a resolve in me.
Firstly she would never leave our kids on thier own, no matter how bad she gets she couldn't do it to them.
Per my resolve, i will be djing friday night no matter what she says or tries to do, this has been my dream career,although its not much of a career path anymore lol. But ive been doing it since way before we got together, i took a step away from it when we started our family, but since febuary just gone,its moving forward again albeit slowly, so i will grab every opportunity with both hands
Great - in show business, no one can afford to turn down gigs etc!!! Go for it! Glad she wouldn't leave the kids on her own, but I was thinking she might try and get out of the house first, thus leaving you with them for the evening!
Tbh i wouldnt be surprised if she did try to get out first, but at the same time she is too busy sulking and trying to guilt trip me, but it aint gonna work, she has done that too many times now. I don't ask for much i rarely go out as it is, think its about time it became an equal situation.
Did you get to do your DJ-ing??! I hope so!
Oh yes Jenny i did, had an awesome night. :D
Great - book the next one!!!!!!
62 posts