Fed up (BPD)

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
62 posts
I have no idea, he isnt brought up in conversations, i can only hope that the others hes abused have sought out counselling.
Personally, I think the abuse is a huge excuse for being downright lazy.

Many people have bad things happen to them in childhood, but rise above them, determined not to let them ruin their lives.
It's a case of adopting a CAN DO attitude to life.
Wallowing in self pity, hiding behind excuses, is never going to achieve anything.
I'm afraid having a husband and babies was a dream, but the reality was slightly different, because she was then expected to "pull her weight" cook, clean, help the kids grow up and develop, never part of her dream.

Having a brain damaged child wasn't part of my dream either. However despite my son's disability I have led an interesting and unconventional life. Many of my dreams couldn't come true, but I've studied for a degree with two young children, some of the time we were on Income Support after my husband was made redundant, so I didn't have it easy. I've helped run a business, helped provide for my family and even run a national club!

With the best friend, there are no demands. That's why she likes it!
BB has a good point. In the end, whatever life throws at us, it is 'up to us' to cope. Hopefully with friends and family to support us, but in the end, it really is just up to us.

We go on - or we go under.

Your wife is choosing to go under. And it IS a choice. Yes, she may have substantial and real mental illness, and she certainly has substantial and real cause of trauma.

But, as I said, if she lets this ruin her life - and, I would point out, yours, AND, very likely, at the very LEAST be a blight on her children's life - then not only has she let her abuser win twice over, BUT, and this is the most important thing, she has condemned others to her misery (ie, you and her children)

The 'morality' of mental illness is perhaps the most difficult moral question of all - because it raises the issue of 'responsibility' - as in, do those with MI have the CAPABILITY to exercise morality. Or is the very nature of MI to make it IMPOSSIBLE to act morally (ie, in this case, decently towards you and the children, and to herself)

Does she have, in effect, the moral right to refuse to take whatever measures she can to be 'healed' (or whatever approaches to that state)?

I would ague no, she doesn't, BUT the point is whether she CAN take that responsibility for herself. Or, is it like wanting someone with a broken leg to run a four minute mile - they might WANT to all the like, but it's not POSSIBLE medically.

Yet, even if running a four minute mile isn't possible with a broken leg, limping around on crutches IS possible. And at the very least that is the equivalent of what your wife should be doing.

But she's 'given in and given up', and THAT is her 'crime'.

In the end, I think the only way to assess the behaviour of those with MI is to see how much EFFORT they are putting in, both to heal themselves and to minimise the adverse effects of their illness on others.

To be blunt, it doesn't look like your wife is making much (any?) effort at all - certainly not enough.

I would say that is your starting point from now on as to all the deison you now make, whether to throw the towel in your marriage, and walk out with your children, for their sakes and yours, or whether you continue to 'root' for your wife PROVIDING she starts to make a serious attempt to get to grips with what was done to her long, long agao.

Only you can make that choice. Only you can issue that ultimatum. Only you can make HER choose whether to take responsibility, or to take the consequences of refusing to take responsibility - which will be to end her marriage, and lose her husband and children.
Re the uncle and her cousins.

It strikes me that what is going on here is the 'wall of silence and deliberate ignoring' that so often poisons families with an abuser in it.

I think you have to lance the pus from this extremely pustulent wound if there is to be ANY chance of your wife improving.

Why not get in touch with the cousins, see what they have done with their lives, talk to their partners.

There is absolutely no point in anyone hiding from what happened any more.

You have to be the 'wasp' that smashes through this spider's web of denial and cover up and hiding that seems to hang over your wife's family.

You may find you have allies in your wife's cousin's partners - they wil lbe in the same boat as you most likely, or, hopefully, if the cousins have actually got therapy on this etc, they can show you how best to force your wife to face up to confronting her demons, and getting the specialist therapy she needs.

Alcohol is NOT therapy.

You could set yourself, and her, a timetable, say, three months, in which you will get counselling for yourself as you said you would now explore, contact with the cousins and their partners, identifying therapists for your wife, and then giving her the choice of 'therapy or divorce'. Oh, and see a divorce solicitor as well! Both to prepare yourself for the worst, and to show your wife you mean business.

This mess will only continue if you let it!
After the weekend i've just had with my mum putting her 2 pence worth and telling my wife some home truths,which didnt go down well, any plans i had to try and set some realistic boundries and targets have now gone out the window for now at least anyway, that being said i would not be surprised if im told to go when she eventually comes back from her friends later today. If it comes to that then so be it
Actually, it isn't. Because she is clearly "unfit" to be the parent, then SHE is the one to go, so the children live in their home with YOU!

Do not let her bully you.
I agree. Do you really want to leave your children with her? How old are they by the way?

I'm glad your mum DID tell her some home truths! Not before time by the sounds of things. Good for her!

I know it's hard but you HAVE to stand up for yourself and accept that your wife will kick off and that the kicking off DOES NOT MATTER! It is HER problem, her moods and temper, NOT YOURS. Walk away, let her rant, who gives a monkey's? Get the children out of the house and let her blow over.

That said, I'm afraid I DO think it's time for you to make an appointment with a divorce lawyer. You need to understand clearly what your chances are to get custody of your children, and what will happen financially.

This limbo you are in is killing you.
In practical terms, can you take your children, and yourself, over to stay with your mum?? Would that work?
To.a point im glad she did say something but its me that has to deal with the fall out, and no i couldn't take my kids to my mums, its just not possible, they range from 3 to 17, and there is 6 of them, having given jer the choice to walk away she has told me that she wouldn't leave them, despite her MH, she is a good mum when the selfish side of her isnt at the forefront
And by fallout i mean her mood,the accusations that i spoke about her behind her back because im supposed to keep it all to myslef till i explode. This will be my fault too
62 posts