Fed up (BPD)

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
62 posts
Dont think any of them want to rake it up again, as for the ultimatum i doubt it would make any difference, she needs to want to help herself, rather than self medicate with booze. I've tried and tried to get her to try counselling but just dissmisses it as pointless
If she has dismissed them as pointless, is it now a pointless marriage?
Bowlingbun
Alot of the time it does seem that way,as ive already said, her bff seems to be more important than me, but here is one thing that grates me, had they been friends since childhood i'd get it and could have no complaints, but they haven't. They didnt meet eachother until we had moved to the same town. And we had been together 3 years by then.
Ultimatums don't work unless you mean them!

So you have to be serious in saying that if she does not accept specialised counselling for childhood trauma, your marriage is over.

I'm going to say something that is INCREDIBLIY irritating, but it's true for all that (which is why it's irritating!)

It is this:

In life, we get the behaviour we put up with.

You're putting up with her behaviour, so she isn't going to change. NOTHING will change until you put your foot down.

Right now, I would say that you are 'enabling' her, rather than 'supporting' her. The latter is focussed on getting the person to a 'better state', the former merely allows them to stay where they are.

You are of course quite right in saying she has to WANT to change - but while you are putting up with her, she won't have any 'desire' to change, ie, she won't want to, as there is nothing in for her -

So you have to make there be 'something in it for her' - and not 'just' the 'better her' that you know that she COULD be, with counselling/therapy/healing etc etc - but which she, in the depths of her misery, can't believe in (or perhaps, doesn't want to face the 'pain' of getting to that better state, eg, 'raking it all up again').

You have to 'engage her will to change' by REMOVING something from her she values - ie, you.

Of course, she could call your bluff in return, and STILL not value you more than she values her 'oblivion' and 'misery', but if that is so, then nothing will improve her, and she is 'lost'. You, however, and most importantly your children, will be 'free' of the toxic aspects of what her condition is doing to you all...

It's going to be hard to challenge her, AND carry out your ultimatum if she defies you (she will - she will do her DAMNDEST to 'get you back in line') (very typical behaviour, highly manipulative, but it is the 'illness' doing that, 'taking her over' etc etc).

Personaly, I would suggest that YOU get some counselling first, on how best to approach this, and tackle her, and see it through - either to her 'improvement' or for you calling time on a marriage that is increasingly 'pointless to continue with'.

If you don't, how will things be in two years time, in five, in ten, in twenty? Look ahead, and realise that if you don't take action now, the future is bleak for you, as well as her.
PS - I would say you've taken the first and most important step in your 'change her behaviour' programme. You've started to describe it, analyse it, talk about it.

Next is action! Like I say, I think counselling for you first, a plan of action, and then put it to her - endure the 'fireworks' reaction, but stick with it.

Have you ever confronted her toxic friend, by the way? Time she 'wised up' about how 'damning' her 'friendship' is to your wife!
As always Jenny thank you,
I will take all that onboard and will call MIND later today to talk about counselling for me as i probably do need it. Then i can plan me next step, i tried to get her to talk to me again about "us" but got the brush off again, will try again later, if im brushed off again then its paunfully obvious its over im just being dangled
I think that is wise.

Yes, you will get the repeated 'brush offs' - you are poking at wounds, and though draining those wounds of the pus that has been fermenting away all her life, since the abuse, is the only way to heal those wounds, of course it is painful for her to have them poked!

I hope I haven't thrown too much at you! It's all too easy, folk like me, tap tap tapping away at keyboard, to chuck in my five quid's worth of 'What you should do, is this...' (!), but not only is that just 'random advice' but also it's far easier to hand out advice than to take it and carry it out.

It won't be a straightforward battle for you - and there wil lbe set backs etc etc. But if you can keep your eye on the goal - a happier wife, a happier you, happier children, happier marriage and family all round that CAN or at the very least COULD be achieved, then even if sometimes the whole thing goes crashing in to reverse, providing the 'collapse' is not 'back to square one' but only to 'square two', then the journey is worth it.

Your wife is a sad, scared woman, but she has you by her side WHILE she is hauling herself out of her black pit, and that will make a marriage worth while. If she truly refuses to even try, then I think at that point you have to 'walk', for your sake, and your children's.

I do think getting counselling of your own will help. Do check out some of the forums and sites for the victims of childhood abuse (both physical and sexual) - there's quite a few up there on the Internet, and it might really help you to get a handle on this, and how best to get your wife into the treatment she needs, but fears. And surely it would help her to know that there are others who have been victims, AND 'made good their lives' all the same.

As I say, if she 'goes under' then her abuser wins twice over.
PS - would it help you to make a list of all the 'good things' about your wife and your marriage. That helps to keep the account sheet in balance on the plus side, as well as the minus side.

If you can get out photos of 'happy times together', and list some of the 'good memories' that would surely help.

PPS - are you saying, by the way, that the abusive uncle was at your wedding???????? (Who else did he abuse, by the way- family members? Anyone your wife still knows? Would it help for 'all of them' to get together, with supportive partners now hopefully, to put heads together. Even if they jointly decide not to push for prosecution, it might help 'exorcise' what he did to them? You and they might even want to 'jointly confront him' and even if not actually going the lengths of GBH etc (!), you could certainly 'give him a hard time' verbally, if nothing else. Does he admit what he did? Or just 'pretend it never happened'???????
Did it to his own as far as i know , dirty nonce ba*tard.
Personally i think our marriage has run its course, tried to talk to her again and this time i got "i cant breath without you gettinng annoyed with me" which is absolutely untrue, i get annoyed when she wants to run away, why wouldn't i, im left at home alone with the kids while she is off having things her own way. Im just supposed to like it or lump it, gonna stop now before i go full rant mode
Hmm, what has happened with her abused cousins then? Firstly, have they got the same mental illness problems as your wife, or did they fare better/worse. Secondly, have they had counselling (ie, specialist abuse trauma counselling) and if so, how are they.
and
Do any of the cousins (ie, your wife included) ever talk to each other these days?

Don't worry too much about feeling 'ranty'. I always say we each have a 'stress bucket' inside us, and if we fill it up, and up, and up and up it either overspills or springs a leak. The worst is if it catastrophically 'shatters' and precipiatate as total breakdown.

Better for it to 'overspill' in 'local rants' etc.

Is the uncle still 'part of the family' - ie, there is a 'wall of silence and denial' around him, and he is blithely going on being 'accepted' in the family?? Very common alas... (he won't think he's done anything wrong...........)
62 posts