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Fed up (BPD) - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Fed up (BPD)

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
62 posts
Your priority is your children, they come first last and always. Think of their best interests, and act upon it.

I would start seeking expert advice on how strong your case would be for getting custody.

Start recording ALL your wife's behaviour that is related to her excessive drinking (like I say, doesn't really matter whether you - or she! - calls it alcoholism ,as it clearly pretty nearly there - most alocholics are in 'denial' that they ARE alcoholics), and to her mental illness.

Keep a daily diary. This will be helpful in your case for getting custody.

How old are your children? Remember, they can indicate their own preferences as well. They won't 'lose' their mum completely, they will jut have a much quieter, saner life without her. I was raised by a mum who had severe mental illness - it was NOT a 'fun childhood' believe me! Our dad did his best, but he was 'helpless'....

Your wife IS manipulative and self-obsessed. There's little about mental illness that makes people 'nicer'. She is 'feeding' her illness, and you are the 'prey'.

You can feel sorry for her, but she is exploiting that pity.

I'm not in the slightest surprised you have reactive depression.

It's very hard to 'walk away' but in the end, YOU cannot stop her being alcohol-dependent, and YOU cannot stop her being mentally ill.

The former is definitely 'in her court' and the latter almost as much so. Remember, those who are mentally ill actually get a lot of 'good stuff' out of it -like the 'freedom' to tell you she can drink herself to oblivion to get rid of the 'bad thoughts' in her head. convenient.
Look up 'secondary gain' and see what I mean. She has NO responsibilities! Wow! Also convenient.

My recommendation is to judge her by the EFFORT she makes - or utterly fails to make - to be 'better'. Or does she use her mental illness as a perpetual excuse to do what she likes, and to hell with the rest of you. ME ME ME ME ME -self-pity -a key part, grimly, of a lot of mental illness (NOT all - but it sounds like it in your wife's case.)

Is there actually any 'reason' for her mental state? Did she suffer childhood abuse, abandonment etc etc? What has 'gone wrong' in her life to cause all this now? If she really did have a nightmare childhood, then you cut her more slack - but not at the expense of your children. Or yourself.

Those with mental illness can 'seek out' kindly partners who feel sorry for them, and once they've got them in their clutches, they poke the 'pity' reaction to get their own way. In way, horrible though it is to look at it this way, it's a form of 'parasitism'. Finding someone to'dump themselves on'....
Been thinking the same thing Bowlingbun, i dont think she does, well she does but not as much as she used too. Im just convenient.
Jenny
Yes there was childhood abuse,uncle
She lost her dad 2 nearly 3 years ago, that was also a sledgehammer to her, she turned to gambling as a comfort and for boredom but that caused untold problems too, she just seems to roll from one destructive action to another.
OK - well, clearly 'sufficient cause' then. How did it stop? I'm asking, in case she feels her father did not do enough to protect her, or rescue her, and that can cause (pretty understandably!) some very charged feelings around his death. Conversely, if he DID 'rescue' her, then she might now feel 'unprotected'.

Is she in therapy, and if so, is that specialist therapy for the survivors of childhood abuse? It seems to be to be an absolutely essential thing that she IS in such specialised therapy.

Or she will remain 'trapped' in her self-destructive behaviour, which is also destroying her marriage, and her relationship with her children.

Does she consider herself 'unhealable' because of the abuse? If she does, then her abuser has won twice over.....
Is the uncle still alive, has he ever been charge, or at least confronted with what he did?

'Suppressed anger' (or not so suppressed) is a very dangerous emotion, and if it cannot find its just target (her uncle0 can turn inward on herself, and outward on completely innocent people (eg, you and the children).

Does this BFF know about the abuse? She sounds like an 'aimee damne' (not sure of the spelling, but it's French for 'infernal friend' - ie, a 'non-friend' who simply leads you on to behave in ways that are highly destructive - ie, the binge drinking)
Thats how i feel about her, non friend.
As for her uncle, dont think she had counselling for it, her dad didnt save her, think the abuse was short lived, and she did confront him at our wedding.
She wont consider counsellling again, probably carry on the self destruct path with her enabler of a friend and get annoyed with me when i put my foot down.
Also had her suicidal thoughts thrown in my face, and that its part of the reason she NEEDS to go and get blind drunk, so she forgets
The uncle still alive and not been charged with anything, she and others wont prosecute either
And again i just asked her where we stand, her response was "im not getting into it or im going to flip out" so here i am again in limbo unless i just walk away for good. Oh how i love my life.
I would say that specialist counselling for her is absolutely essential - she cannot possibly 'get over' what happened to her otherwise. Confronting it is the only way - BUT, only with a specialist abuse counsellor.

I'm glad it was only shortlived, but even 'once' is traumatic - even to be raped 'once' is a trauma....

My suggestion to you is for you to search the forums and support groups for victims of childhood abuse, as they would be the 'experts' - and fellow victims and partners of victims - that will guide you along the way.

It's very understandable for trauma/abuse victims to want to 'avoid' any confrontation, as it is so distressing and disturbing, but brushing things under he carpet of the wounded psyche does not heal those wounds.

I am of the opinion (utterly amateur!), that until you give her the ultimatum - 'Accept specialst childhood abuse counselling, or our marriage is over' that nothing will happen.

Things cannot go on the way they are. She is 'self-medicating' with alcohol (very, very common - it's an 'evasion' gtactic, noting more) (literaly drowning her sorrows) (my SIL does this for her problems).

She only has one life. Her abuser ruined her childhood - she was 'betrayed' by her parents who did not protect her. If she lives her life now in misery, they have 'won' twice over.

Why will she, and her uncle's other victims, not bring charges? Are they pressured by other members of the family (VERY common), or do they all not want to 'rake it up' again?
62 posts