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Fed up (BPD) - Carers UK Forum

Fed up (BPD)

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
62 posts
Last night after a row my BPD wife told me we were over because i get annoyed with her running off to her mate 50+ miles away to get blind drunk, see i dont mind once a month, but there was a stage it was every weekend for 7 or 8 weekends straight. And its always the same excuse i get for her needing to do this. things maybe different between us when she wakes up but im near the point where i dont care anymore, but id feel so guilty leaving my kids with her, she isnt a threat but its her constant mood swings
I can understand your frustration. However, your children aren't exactly having an idyllic childhood anyway at the moment (sadly)

Are you working? If so, could you afford childcare for them? If not, could you provide the childcare yourself.

I can't see a family court awarding children to a mother with severe mental illness not to say alcoholism. Surely you'd have a good chance of getting custody?

Grimly, it is often the case that both alcoholics and those with mental illness blame others, rather than take responsibility for themselves.
PS I agree with you. NO WAY should you leave your children with their mother.
She isnt an alcoholic, a binge drinker when she gets away from us, i gave her the option to leave but she wont, cant even give me an answer as to wether she wants us to be togeather. But im in the wrong as usual, also gas lighted me last night
Borderline distinction! However, that isn't really the point, I agree.

I suspect what she wants IS for you to be together, but for her to be free to carry on bingeing the booze and whingeing at you???

She won't want to leave. Too scary. You are 'safe' for her.

Nothing will change unless you make it ,as it is not in her interests to change.....

A difficult situation for you alas....
She cant have it all her own way though. Its not fair on me or the kids, i rarely get out the house for a night, she always stropped if i asked so gave up bothering in the end, got a bit better lately, but no way would she allow me weekend after weekend away. But im supppses to let her do what she wants coz she needs to "forget what goes on in her head"
Sad thing is although i know its partly her BPD I also know its manipulation and emotional blackmail.
Actually, it's about her trying to CONTROL you.

This will all continue indefinitely unless you do something about it. How and what are you going to explain to your kids when they are old enough to ask questions. Would it be better to move out with them?

A huge decision. Ask your GP or carers group if there is any face to face counselling in your area. I found it life changing.
Went to the gp to get my meds changed(reactive depressive) gave me a number for options, also spoke to MIND, i need to phone them back and sort something out, seriously fed up with all of this sh*t, i try to be the understanding husband, roll with her mood swings, but im getting to the point where im seriously questioning our marriage, i called her out on a few things last night as was basicslly called a lier, despite them being her words. Fed up of being low on her priority list, her so called bff is higher than me, but rarely if ever travels to visit my wife, its always my wife running to her, im left holding the babies, which id happily do on my own without her.
Sorry ranting
She is very self focussed, and will remain so unless she really, really wants to change, and that sounds really unlikely. Maybe voting with your feet is the only real option left.
Better to have a quiet ordered life than live with her. It really doesn't sound like she loves you very much, so why stay?

When I was newly married, I met a lady about to "celebrate" her golden wedding. I offered congratulations, but they were rejected really, she said it means I've been married to THAT for 50 years!
I went home and told my husband, said that if he ever felt like this, we should call it a day. Better that than live unhappily forever. Don't we all deserve a bit of love and happiness. Your kids certainly do.
I absolutely agree with Bowlingbun. Just isn't fair that you are going through this nightmare. I miss my husband dreadfully, the man he was,. I'm grateful he is still here though, even if in a nursing home because of strokes and vascular dementia. I wonder if I would feel like that if the marriage had been so very unhappy. Think of your future and your childrens. Sounds like you have done your very best, and that your wife doesn't understand that or chooses not to?
So sad to read the emotional pain you are in.
62 posts