Exhausted

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Hello again! :cry: It has been about a year since I've been here, reporting on my husband's mental health issues. In the last four months, things have been better - after spending a long time at home, he enrolled in an intensive course and was doing ok. He graduated from the course two weeks ago and, since then, the situation has gone from bad to worse. He attended three job interviews but with wasn't successful. Having been in this position myself, I appreciate how devastating it is being rejected, but he really doesn't deal with it well and seems to lack the resilience needed to put yourself out there on the job market and compete. He stayed the last two days in bed, crying, saying that 'it's all over' and telling me that he is no longer interested in meeting his counsellor. I want to support him but I am so afraid that he will become suicidal and violent again. I really don't know what to do! :cry:
Hi Fig
I did think that an intensive course would have some kind of follow up number or contact. Perhaps you could remind him of this and encourage him to look back to see what tools and techniques he learned to help him cope with this kind of situation.
Sadly there is little you can do for him, he needs to do it for himself.
I'm also a bit surprised he went straight back into searching for jobs. Is he always either all up or all down?

Kr
MrsA
MrsAverage wrote:
Sat Feb 03, 2018 3:43 pm
Hi Fig
I did think that an intensive course would have some kind of follow up number or contact. Perhaps you could remind him of this and encourage him to look back to see what tools and techniques he learned to help him cope with this kind of situation.
Sadly there is little you can do for him, he needs to do it for himself.
I'm also a bit surprised he went straight back into searching for jobs. Is he always either all up or all down?

Kr
MrsA
Hi MrsA

Oh, I think my earlier post is somewhat misleading )-: By 'intensive course I mean a professional course leading to a diploma (equivalent to the Scottish HND), not a treatment. I think he had hoped to find a job straight after graduation and he is now very disappointed to learn that this is not the case and he needs to work hard to get an offer. It also doesn't help that half of his cohort members have already secured jobs. It's true that the recruitment is harsh, but I don't see a reason to believe he is 'loser, a complete failure' (his words). Yes, a strong characteristic of his mental state is an 'all or nothing', 'black and white' attitude, and this is not very helpful. The thing is, that I can't take it anymore and I'm considering moving out, even if for a short period. But, this is the last thing he needs...another person who will reject him, and the closest one no less!
I'm wondering if he could do some volunteering in some respect, as that would help with his sense of self-worth.

Rejection is always awful, particularly from jobs. It hits the toughest of us hard.

Do you think you could work through with him WHY he didn't get the jobs he went for. Was it experience/qualifications, or do you think he 'radiated' desperation, or, worse, that he was 'neurotic' or whatever?

I can remember when I was job hunting when young, finding it very hard to get my head around the brutal truth that me and the employers were coming from different directions. I was very 'insecure' and wanted THEM to validate ME. But what they were looking for was a confident candidate, not someone looking for reassurance that yes, I was good enough to do the job. I found that so hard to understand, and then even harder to put into practice.
jenny lucas wrote:
Sun Feb 04, 2018 1:00 am
I'm wondering if he could do some volunteering in some respect, as that would help with his sense of self-worth.

Rejection is always awful, particularly from jobs. It hits the toughest of us hard.

Do you think you could work through with him WHY he didn't get the jobs he went for. Was it experience/qualifications, or do you think he 'radiated' desperation, or, worse, that he was 'neurotic' or whatever?

I can remember when I was job hunting when young, finding it very hard to get my head around the brutal truth that me and the employers were coming from different directions. I was very 'insecure' and wanted THEM to validate ME. But what they were looking for was a confident candidate, not someone looking for reassurance that yes, I was good enough to do the job. I found that so hard to understand, and then even harder to put into practice.
Hi Jenny :)
I think you might be right - I can imagine that he projects vulnerability and desperation, after all, he does suffer from a severe mental health condition so even just attempting an interview is a huge struggle. But surely this raises red flags - show me an employer who is willing to deal with an employee who has such conditions? There's a lot of discussion about the inclusion of people with disabilities but the evidence that things are getting better in this respect is not convincing! I'm angry!
Unfortunately, it is impossible for me to reason with my husband at this stage. I gave up on offering feedback as he perceived it as a personal attack and an indication that I am against him (like the rest of the world). :(
Fig, how did your own work-provided counselling go? Was it any good? If so, can you do more of it?

If it wasn't, can you afford a few sessions with someone decent? It sounds as though you might benefit from that face-to-face discussion.

You say your husband doesn't want to see his counsellor again. Has counselling helped him at all?

Has he had any sort of MH diagnosis? Any medication?
hamsterwheel wrote:
Mon Feb 05, 2018 2:25 pm
Fig, how did your own work-provided counselling go? Was it any good? If so, can you do more of it?

If it wasn't, can you afford a few sessions with someone decent? It sounds as though you might benefit from that face-to-face discussion.

You say your husband doesn't want to see his counsellor again. Has counselling helped him at all?

Has he had any sort of MH diagnosis? Any medication?

Hi hamsterwheel!

My own work-provided counselling was amazing, although very short (6 sessions) and I had to wait 4 months to get to the top of the list! I think I can apply again but will have to wait a few months to get my first session.

I think counselling is very important and yes, I believe it's helpful. Unfortunately, since the winter break his counsellor cancelled a few session and although he understands cancellations can happen, it was not very helpful in building trust and confidence in his counsellor.

And yes, he had a MH diagnosis and takes medications but please, don't get me started regarding the NHS mental health services!!!
I can't take it anymore! I hate living in fear and anxiety about what's going to happen with/to my husband!
It's just impossible to say anything to him other than 'I'm sorry to hear, you're right' without getting him upset, angry and wanting to kill himself. How can I live like that?
oh, sweetheart! {{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

Can you get away for a break somewhere?
hamsterwheel wrote:
Thu Feb 08, 2018 2:07 pm
oh, sweetheart! {{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

Can you get away for a break somewhere?
Soon! My annual leave is planned for 20.2, and I'm counting the days.

Apparently, there has been a big drama today. Long story short, my husband smashed his head into a glass window at college (he recently graduated but struggles to move on). Luckily he didn't injure himself but police came. They took him to see his counsellor. He had a session with her anyway at that time. I want to tell him that I will not tolerate violence but I am afraid that this will push him over the edge...