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Escorted Leave, police called to remove after only 30 mins - Carers UK Forum

Escorted Leave, police called to remove after only 30 mins

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
My husband has been detained on a section 2 at the beginning of March and was assessed and further detained under a section 3 on Thursday of last week.
Since Christmas there has been a marked deterioration in his mental health following introduction of a new medication. (He has Schizophrenia, but they are now looking at Schizoaffective Disorder).
Since beginning of March he has become aggressive, agitated quickly, preoccupied with ideas, voices, delusions and now more recently getting a divorce. The divorce issue has only come about over the last month following me having him removed from the house due to aggression (verbal, never physical). prior to this in fact the week before he said he couldn't imagine life without me, his brother has told me to ignore this as this is the illness talking and not him.. Indeed his brother has advised me to ignore all the stuff he says as all of it is nonsense?? He says he is extremely ill and you are not getting that are you?? Not really in a nasty way, just I guess to stress the point to me.
Over the last week or so they have been granting him section 17 leave, escorted with staff. He has been to our home a week ago and was really fine, not one issue at all. Therefore, as this was the first time we had properly spoken in three weeks and with a calmer presentation I decided over Easter he could come home, with me as the escort.

OMG did I get it wrong; on the way to the car, he advised me when I finish work, from next week, I can go and collect him after work and he can come home each evening as he is going to use his leave that way. I just went along with it, but had no intentions of that being the case.
We arrived home and were having a cup of tea, he advised me my rings were "clinking" on the mug and I was doing this on purpose to annoy him and six times I had done this and I must stop it immediately. He then asked me had I got a divorce solicitor, yet? I advised I knew of one but as he was detained I wasn't able to do anything yet and would therefore only go and see them once he was released.
I knew at this point things were not great having him here and I did say I didn't think this is such a good idea. I wasn't sure if he was ready for this, at which point he blew up in my face and started shouting. Just prior to this he advised he had to square up to both patients and staff on the ward since admission; as they had to know he was not someone to be messed around with. This is not my husband, when he is well he is introverted and placid.
He left the room and went upstairs, at which point I called the ward to advise then he needed to be picked up, they told me to call the police, I advised he was entering the room and I wouldn't be able to do that; they said they would ring. I was extremely upset, crying, he did some sort of mocking dance and shouted very loud "oh look at you so upset" kind of laughing at me, horrible.
The police arrived and they were really good, I had gone upstairs and left the front door open, I didn't see him again. Eventually after about an hour they took him away.

Then there is calm, and quiet and he has gone. I hate him right now and don't want to see him for a long time, his brother has shouted at me and told me I should never have agreed to have him home, and that its my own fault for allowing such ridiculousness to happen.. Well maybe not those exact words but I feel like he may as well have said that to me.
My cousin and his girlfriend were suppose to be coming round tonight for a brew and I have just rung them and told them not to come. I just want to be on my own..
I feel drained; I was just getting myself back together after all the horribleness of him being in hospital and we were just about speaking to each other again. Now we aren't, well I don't want to. I have not rung the ward to advise them any of this, however, I know the police have told them what happened. I don't think a call to the ward is necessary as they deal with this all the time and they are not looking after me. I must do that..
I feel tired drained, exhausted, down, tearful and don't want to worry my friends or family, as what can anyone do really. I feel like this is my mess when all I wanted was my husband back for a few hours over Easter as company for each other and to do something we like to do, a nice time for him and me, how much of a stupid idea was that.. Why didn't I see that this is not possible after all only on Wednesday the Social Worker who signed the section 3 told me he was very ill..

HOW DID I GET IT SO WRONG AND AM I REALLY THAT STUPID......
You are not stupid this illness is so hard to deal with. You need to take some time for yourself. Sending you hugs.
OMG, you've been through a hideous situation! Thank heavens your husband is back safe 'inside' where he clearly needs to be. Stupid? Is that what you think of yourself? No no no - you're trying to be a loving, loyal wife, in the face of an illness that is VICIOUS in what it does to the man you love (and who, without his illness, loves you).

You hoped for the best - of course of course you did - it's a sign of how much you want your 'real' husband back, a sign of your loyalty to him, and your love for him.

BUT, clearly, it has to be taken far, far more slowly. In a way, it's good that this crisis has happened, because it shows, vividly, that no way can he just 'come home' and that he does have very, very considerable care needs that do seem to be best met in a 'secure' environment.

As for his brother - I suspect it was more fear, shock and worry that made him lash out. That said, is there not possibility that your husband, when he is 'out on leave' could not go over and stay with his brother? That would give him a family member to be with, but not expose you to his instabilities? It would also (and I'm being a bit mean to your BIL here!) give your BIL some pretty intense exposure and experience of just what it is like to live on the 'volcano' that is your husband at the moment!

Another thought, for what it's worth (and it might not be of course) is that it could be that your husband is far more 'volatile' with YOU, simply BECAUSE of the far greater strength of his emotions surrounding you! He might be 'calmer' with others because his feelings for them are no where as great. It does sound, to my very, very 'amateur' reading, that what he is exposing you to is a kind of 'highly distorted' form of emotion which is sort of the 'opposite' of what he really feels (ie, without his illness.)

Finally, you mention right at the start of your post that his downturn in behaviour may be associated with new meds? Has this been discussed and explored with his psych team? Could his behaviour and mental state improve with medication modification?? (Sorry if there are good reasons why he had to change his meds....)

Whatever happens next week, please do have these next three days to yourself, gradually calming down and 'de-shattering' your shattered nerves. Is there any chance you could get out and about over Easter, either stay or visit with friends/family, or at least have them over? So you don't sit and worry yourself sick about this very emotional situation?

With kindest wishes at a very frightening and disturbing time for you - Jenny

PS - wanting to do the best for the person you love, but making a decision that turns out to be 'wrong' can really lead to beating yourself up. I did something similar in respect of my husband when he had cancer. He was due a scan, and wanted to drive himself to the hospital, and didn't want me 'fussing'. In order to try and preserve the independence he obviously so desperately wanted to keep for himself in the face of his illness, I said 'OK' and watched him drive off (about a forty minute drive). About an hour later the hospital phoned me to say that he had collapsed with an epileptic seizure (his first). He was OK, in that he pulled through....but if that had happened when he was driving....... It made me realise I SHOULD NOT NOT NOT have let him drive to the hospital without me, even though I'd tried to make the best decision for him. Sometimes we do the wrong thing, for the right reason, because it's for someone we love....
Sending massive hugs Trigpoint. You most definitely are not stupid - you just love your husband and want him to know you are there and that you care.

My son can be very abusive towards us, telling us he wants to kill us (and the cat). He is a big lad and it is very scary when he loses it; it breaks my heart when we have to call the police. I also hate him for scarring my youngest son so much he sleeps on the floor behind the door of his bedroom, so my ill one can't "get him" in the night, for scarring me so much that I have considered putting him in to care, for forcing me to quit my job to look after him. If I dwell on it too much, it eats me up inside.

Schizo-type disorders are so emotionally draining for the carer. Rather than beat yourself up about it, just alter the perspective that you view it from. You had no intention of causing the bad situation, you were trying to do the right thing by your husband. Try not to define who your husband is by his illness, see the illness as the thing that caused the situation; a bit like when a child throws up all over you :sick: He couldn't help it, you couldn't help it. It is beeping hard, but it helps keep me going.
I'm sending (((((((((((((enormous hugs))))))))))))) too. This is an awful illness and there is no way you should beat yourself up about what happened. You didn't, didn't, didn't get it wrong - you wanted to be kind but you are just not used to how cunning and devious the illness can be.

I find it tricky when my son starts to have leave. He went into hospital two weeks ago, and we had a bit of time together after the first week but he was so clearly still unwell that I shopped him to the ward as I was sure he was spitting out his meds. Tonight he is having a night at home with me and we have already had an angry exchange about all the people he says have imprisoned and tortured him (by making him take meds).

Like Stephanie I have a younger son who has suffered greatly because of his sibling's behaviour.

Look after yourself first and only have your husband back when you are truly confident he is well, and only then if you feel happy about it. Hopefully the hospital will try a different medication if the one he's been on has caused this deterioration.
Thank you all for your kind words, words I have read and re read yesterday and today. They have truly helped and provided some perspective..
My friend who's a psychiatric nurse has suggested I ask to meet with the Psychiatrist face to face to discuss the treatment plan. I'm pretty sure my husband won't allow me into ward round, plus I want to speak to psychiatrist without him. I'm hoping my husband will agree a medication change. However, it's complicated by his complete lack of insight. He's convinced he's better than ever, however, given he's now been on ward one month, they must be thinking meds change surely by now.
I rang ward today, he's fine, again. They admitted they too got it wrong, no way they'd have exposed us to all this. They thought he further on than is, therefore it's highlighted to them again how ill he is.
Very glad to hear things are a bit more 'under control' all round, and that it's made things a little easier for you.

It is the deep, deep irony of MH that not realising you are ill is the very sign you are! It's good that the medics are now beginning to get the real measure of your husband's condition, and react accordingly.

I would think it's an excellent idea to see your husband's psychiatrist yourself? Can you do so on your own, and can he talk to you about your husband, or does patient confidentiality mean he can't? Even if he can't talk to you about your husband, that doesn't stop you telling your husband's pysch stuff that he needs to know about your husband, from your perspective, which must surely help when he then sees your husband next. Surely it would also be a good idea if you could be present at a session, because then the psych can see how your husband reacts to you, especially when it comes to him 'blaming' you for things wrong in his life. If your husband doesn't want you there, could the psych ask him specially for you, saying it would help understand his situation, and why your husband has 'tension' with you?

In the meantime, if you have this bank holiday weekend to yourself, without the stress of having to cope with your husband who is safe and sound in his ward, then please do make the very most of having these couple of days off! Do things that are just for YOU, whatever they may be, and I hope they will bring a little more peace of mind, and charge your batteries - and just be generally enjoyable. Indulge yourself because boy do you deserve it! :):):)

Kindest wishes for Easter, Jenny. :)