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Where do i go now! - Carers UK Forum

Where do i go now!

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Hi all,

Long time no chat, I hope your all well and a bit late i know but let me wish you all a happy, Healthy new year.

I care for my mother who has quite a number of mental health issues and i work full time as well as care full time so it done leave me much time for nothing else really. Back in nov my partner lost her job after 20 years of building a good and worthwhile career for her self and others (Nurse, Unit manager of Hospital for HIV / AIDS Bods) and as a result had a breakdown which saw her end up in a unit for a month as she wanted to kill herself and tried. That god she did not and is now home on a slow road to recovery. My partner needs me to be around more to offer her the stability she needs to get well, Her docs have told me this as have the support place she atteneds and she needs to be out of the place she is living as its not the right place for her to be while she recovers, Moving in with my mother will not work. I know I owe my partner to be there for her and to help her get back to the person she was, but the guilt of having to leave my mother behind is eatting away at me. HELP? PLEASE!
Hi Jacqui,

I didn't want to read your post and leave without replying but I haven't been in your situation and haven't any answers for you. It seems like you're trying to make a choice between your Mum and your partner and that's a decision nobody would want to make. Have you been offered any help or support? Does any professional know the situation you're in? Your caring role and workload already appear to be heavy, I'm concerned about how you're going to cope splitting yourself three ways and that's not taking into account any "me" time. Is there any mental health charity that could advise you of what support could be offered?

Sorry Jacqui, I've only given you more questions, no answers at all. Don't expect you to answer just thoughts to consider.

In all this Jacqui please make sure you're looking after yourself and not putting your own health aside.

Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will see your post.

Hugs til then [[[[[[[Jacqui]]]]]]]
Hi Jane, Thanks for your reply. Mum has been offered lots and lots of help and refuses it all and tells everyone she can / does cope on her own, Unfortunatly thats a big fat lie because the only reason she copes is i do it all, Clean, Cook, Wash, washup, shop, pay bills, collect pension and so on. Her GP has been great and has contacted everyone you can think off but its all been thrown back in our faces. My partner is getting help and is doing OK but i feel i need to do more for / with her but am stuck with my mother because she wont let anyone else help and if i walk what will happen to her. I been splitting self 3 ways for a long time now and all that is doing is making me unhappy. I would in truth like to walk away from it all but cant and as for me time, whats that !!

What would your mum do if you were not there to help, Jacqui?
Hi charles, Thats the problem i dont know, if honest i suppose she would end up living in one of those houses you see in that programme Life of grime and thats no lie, its only guilt that keeps me with her but i dont know where the guilt comes from.
Jacqui, its a decision that only you can make because it's your life and you'll have to live with the consequences. Now that could be good or bad, nobody knows whether your mother will start taking control of her own life if you withdraw your care or if she's capable of it but when someone consistently refuses help that's offered there's little you can do until they decide help is needed. Of course all the time you're providing care - she won't see the need for outside help.

I suppose the only way of deciding is where is it you'd rather be? If it is with your partner then that doesn't necessarily mean you have to drop all contact with your Mum. If you're able to visit occasionally you'll be able to assess how she's coping and if she isn't then I gather that's when you'd call social services/mental health team/GP etc.

Or maybe the responsiblity of having a partner with mental health issues is too much when you've had to cope with your mother all these years? Nobody would judge you if that's the way you feel.

Perhaps working out why you feel guilty about your mother might help. Talking to a counsellor or someone from Carers UK might help by saying out loud your feelings to a total stranger who's there to listen?

I'm sure I haven't said anything you've not thought of before but sometimes someone else saying it can help. Whatever you do, you know the situation needs to change before your own health begins to give. A day away from all your responsibilities would probably give you time to think clearly - no guilt should be felt by you, you're making life changing decisions here and one day off is not too much to ask.
Hiya your life sounds hectic on one hand your mum needs you then on the other so does your partner,its a shame that your mum wont accept outside help as that would make it alot easier for you to help your partner and maybe have some time for yourself.I'm not in your situation but i do care for my partner and have 4 children and that can really make me feel run down and as you have said theres no you time,maybe if you tried contacting socail services (thats if you havent done already) and explained the situation they might be able to help you as it sounds like you could do with some!I myself have been refered to the carer support service which i hope i will find helpful as it focuses on the carer to provide help,support and infomation,the support service is making space you may find something useful.Hope things get easier for you and dont forget about yourself as its so easy to do