Depressed husband

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
I thought counselling was an utter waste of time, but chatting about yourself gives huge clues to the counsellor to work with. It's so important to keep going when you want to give up, I know I did. A good counsellor will begin to spot good and bad things, but you have to lower your guard a bit. If you want him to get better, insist that going to his counselling sessions must be a condition of any sort of future.
Apologies in advance if others think this is trolling, it is my my honest opinion.

1) I have to be honest, I don't see this as a care issue but a relationship issue. Therefore I don't feel it is directly relevant to this forum. Is care being provided? If so, I stand corrected.

2) Husband in this post has cheated, left to live with his new lover and is now clearly emotionally manipulating the poster. Regardless of feelings of sympathy unless husband willing do SOMETHING help himself he needs to be kicked to curb. Here is controversial bit: a failure to do this would make the poster, in my view, complicit with his behaviour.

I apologise for posting this here, I don't have a big understanding of mental health and have tired to research everything to try and get an understanding and to see if my husband is ill or just a totally a**hole. To see if anyone else had this happen to them and if was because of mental illness. I don't understand how he can get so worked up and have panic attacks, when he has panic attacks he is like hyperventilating, his hole body twitches, eyes roll into the back of his head and takes fits.
I'm no expert either on MH issues but as I've been on the fringes of road haulage for many years I know that if he is haviny ANY fits for ANY reson HE SHOULD NOT BE DRIVING. He needs to see his GP asap, I'm afraid, to make sure he doesn't have anything serious going on which is bringing on those fits when he is stressed. I suggest you write to the GP in advance of the consultation.
I think panic attacks CAN result in such extreme reactions - but they are always 'self-induced'. I've had 'mild' ones, but the thing is, you have to force yourself to accept that it is the SYMPTOMS of a panic attack that causes you to HAVE the panic attack - I used to think I was starting a heart attack - eg, palpitations, sweating etc, and it was those VERY SYMPTOMS that I then paniced about!

But, when you are in the throes of them, it's hard to 'force' yourself to realise you are causing your OWN panic!

Al that said, your husband would seem to be using them as an method of controlling you - whether he is aware of that or not.

is he ill or an AH? Both, I'd say. Remember, having MH does NOT make you a 'nicer person', and doesn't even mean you 'should' get more consideration from others.......

'Winning sympaythy' and 'getting out of taking responsibility' are two aspects OF having MH in the first place. Do look up 'secondary gain ' - all the 'benefits' of being MH, that makes an MH person reluctant to be 'cured'....!

I appreciate he's 'running scared of his past' and with good reason, but he MUST find the moral courage to stand up and face his demons, and vanquish them. If that takes professional help, so be it. Or his abusive father and collusive mother have WON.

He is a father now, and it's his 'duty' to defeat his demons, and be the father to his daughter that his crap and wicked father was NOT to him.......

As for whether you 'should' be here - well, I think that given you are torn between taking on a 'care' role for him and not, then yes, I'd say that qualifies you!
this is a crazy story. he needs to take responsibility for his own actions, no matter how much he is dealing with mentally. there is only so much a person can take imo.