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depressed - Carers UK Forum

depressed

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
i am a main carer who is disabled with lunge and spine issues i have been on antibotics 10 times since xmas over infections at the moment i have a ear infection and cannot really hear much , i have been with her for 24 years and supported her through out bd crises all though beening hit kicked and abused i suffer with reactive depression we used to help each other out but since 2016 she does not or wont help with tasks around the home , she wont take medical advice from proffessionals over weight , sleep apena , she eats durning the night , no matter what advice i give her she wont listern ,she wont take advice over sex either when i ask her what she wants to do she says sex knookie . i am totally fed up with doing everything and yet my wife just gets up has breakfast wash goes back to bed every day , she wont help to walk the dog or help in the garden all though she whats things to look nice ,i have to watch close when she is cooking as things can catch fire .i cant even look after my self , i cant relax , i am unable to find support all though i have been to adult social care , health in mind , dr , hospital , mental health , counsiling , i just dont know what to do any more i said to my wife that i might as well die as i am so depressed sorry :(
Dean,
caring often ends up with life revolving around the caree and the carer's life on hold. This isn't sustainable indefinitely, (don't I know!) I think for many of us Lockdown will have exacerbated the situation.

You say you have tried lots of different things to try and improve the situation, but nothing has worked. From an outsider looking in, perhaps you should ask your wife to attend couple's counselling so that you can share with her how you feel and what needs to change for the relationship to work long term for the both of you. If this doesn't work out maybe you need to consider the very difficult question of whether or not you are willing and able to carry on caring for your wife.

Please remember the Samaritans are there to listen and offer emotional support on freephone 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org

I'm sure others will be along with suggestions too.

Melly1
Dean, do you feel your marriage is over?
Do you want a divorce?

You cannot be forced to care, it sounds like you are utterly burned out.
melly 1 many thanks for your reply i have been looking after my wife for 24 yrs and in that time she has given up our first baby with out telling me , she has abused me sexually hit and kicked me ,been arressted , been in hospital care mental health act , but i feel responsable for her this is just due to lock down this has been happening for a while , we have tried relate and sex counselling that didnt help i have tried to speak to my wife in the way that talking helps but she wont talk she wont help all she wants is to play on her computer or play with me sorry but this is how it is .i have tried to say no to sex but her mental health rises and she can get out of control i feel like i am trapped in a uknown world not down to covid 19 ,my wife sees me as a father figure as she was abused when she was small by her father and she wont talk about it to proffessionals so i feel i am being treated like she was by her father .. i have tried to talk to proffessionals on how i feel but these days who listens as i have been let down over and over again .utterly burned out.
dean_2003 wrote:
Sun May 10, 2020 10:24 am
i am a main carer who is disabled with lunge and spine issues i have been on antibotics 10 times since xmas over infections at the moment i have a ear infection and cannot really hear much , i have been with her for 24 years and supported her through out bd crises all though beening hit kicked and abused i suffer with reactive depression we used to help each other out but since 2016 she does not or wont help with tasks around the home , she wont take medical advice from proffessionals over weight , sleep apena , she eats durning the night , no matter what advice i give her she wont listern ,she wont take advice over sex either when i ask her what she wants to do she says sex knookie . i am totally fed up with doing everything and yet my wife just gets up has breakfast wash goes back to bed every day , she wont help to walk the dog or help in the garden all though she whats things to look nice ,i have to watch close when she is cooking as things can catch fire .i cant even look after my self , i cant relax , i am unable to find support all though i have been to adult social care , health in mind , dr , hospital , mental health , counsiling , i just dont know what to do any more i said to my wife that i might as well die as i am so depressed sorry :(
Hello Dean.

I was sorry to hear that you've been having a really difficult time recently. I have sent you a private message with some additional suggestions for steps you could take to help improve your situation.

Wishing you well

Michael
Try to find any good thing or reason which may come in your future, and focus on all good things which you have in your present life. You will see negativity will be filled with positivity.
Dean,
You are clearly completely and utterly exhausted, mentally and physically.

You cannot be forced to care. It's time for your wife to move into respite care, and for you to go away from home for a complete break for at least 2 weeks.