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Deeply hurt, upset and offended - Carers UK Forum

Deeply hurt, upset and offended

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Hello to all members of carers uk, I hope that your day is a good one.
I rarely post here but I often read the boards when I get a little time to think. It helps to know that I am not alone when I feel overwhelmed by my caring role and other issues that go along with it. I have been a carer for 26 years and like many carers I work 24 hours day and night, 7 days per week.
My friend of almost 25 years was hospitalised recently, her Son phoned me and explained that she had 24/48 to live; I was devastated. My Husband and Son went along to see her thinking that this would be the last time.
When we arrived it was almost the end of visiting time. Through the window of her room we could see that she was flailing her arms and the 4 visitors that she did have came out.
When she was settled her cleaning lady whom has been helping my friend for the past 18 months went back in along with my Son and I. My Son and I held her hand and had a little chat with her, cleaning lady looking on. She then said that she would leave us with her for 10 mins.
She swiftly came back. Within this time a friend of my friend also came into the room. My Son went to sit with his Dad. My friend started flailing her arms again and as she did the cleaning lady went out of the room and returned promptly explaining that my friend was becoming agitated due to too many visitors staying for to long. She looked at me and if looks could kill I would have dropped down.
My Son and I were in the hospital for all of 20 mins, this cleaning lady was there for over 4 hours!
The next morning my friends Son phoned and made clear that they were cutting down on visitors and not to visit his Mother but he would keep me informed. He has kindly phoned twice and updated me.
Yesterday I received a phone call from him to say that I could now go and visit his Mother but not to bring my Son along as he was too much for her? I explained that my Son only came along thinking as I did that we would never see her again.
My Son stood quietly with me and held my friends hand for a few minutes and he kissed her and said goodbye as I did.
Over the years we have had so many happy times together. My Son and I often took her shopping and we often called on her and her boyfriend who was physically disabled and took them little gifts from holidays, flowers and such not just on birthdays and Mothers day but other times too as we knew it cheered them both up. Many happy times were shared with no problems and so many happy memories made too.
My Friend has known for many years that our Son has schizophrenia. I do not tell anyone due to the stigma of mental illness (I have been physically attacked due to this)but I trusted her and explained this for at times I couldn't see her due to my caring role.
After her Son phoned yesterday I realised that these people are probably aware of my Sons illness and this is the only reason that this has come about. As a Mother I am deeply hurt, upset and offended.
I am aware that many people are very unaware of mental illness and I do understand that ignorance leads to misunderstanding and fear.
I have not told my Husband as he will go ballistic.
I want to visit my friend but feel angry that I have been treated this way and this is off putting.
Thank you for listening.
Kind regards
So sorry, that is so hurtful for you. Image
Hi there
I too am sorry you are upset x. Sadly some people will never understand mental illness we can do little to change that. Even though we can talk openly about it some just don't want to know the facts! All I can say is if someone says something hurtful about our children , however old they are it hurts us twice as much . The only thing I can say is don't let how you feel stop you seeing your friend again , that would be sad , let everyone else get on with it you do what you know is right x x
I am so sorry that you feel this way, but perhaps there are other reasons ?

If your friend is coming to the end of her time it maybe that her family want to spend as much time with her as possible in the time she has left. Visiting times at hospitals are often limited and immediate family often jealously 'guard' that time as their own. It may also be that your friend is not strong enough for many visitors.

It is understandable that you want to visit your friend of so many years - you have so much shared history and I realise that you find it upsetting that you can't take your son with you, but please put on a 'happy' face, go and see your friend - perhaps for the last time - to say your goodbyes. Your anger at this time, although understandable, will only leave a bitter taste in your mouth.
I would add only this - that when someone we love is dying, 'normal behaviour' very often just goes out of the window. I know that when my husband was dying I was not 'myself' at all, and I may have said things to friends that had I realised the impact of what I was saying, I would have modified.

For example, after my husband died, my brother wanted to come to the funeral with his wife and adult children, to support me and my son. But I thought about it, and it felt 'wrong' to me at the time to have anyone there who was not blood kin to my husband, and so I asked my brother not to come. He may well have been very upset and hurt and offended by my refusal to let him come to his brother-in-law's funeral, but at the time I made the decision I felt was right for my husband, and his son, mother and brother, his only living relatives by blood. But the person feelingthat it was 'right' (me) was not, I know, looking back, in anything remotely resembling a 'normal' frame of mind....

So, it could be, that in the case of your friend, their family is making similar 'abnormal' decisions that is determined by their grief, which is consuming them, and possibly making them 'insensitive' to others such as yourself and your son. You too, perhaps, similarly, may be so raw right now that everything feels much much more painful, such as your feeling of hurt and rebuff.

I guess this all boils down to 'when someone is losing someone they love to death, we all have to make extra allowances for their and our behaviour'....

It's good, though, that you can post here, and let out these feelings in a 'safe' place, and I hope that posting here has helped you cope at this most difficult time.

With kind regards, Jenny
Sadly, we have had similar problems because our youngest son has learning difficulties. He may not be able to read and write but he is extremely well behaved and has feelings like the rest of us.
Thank you all for time and your kind, caring, supportive and understanding words; all very much appreciated.
Having looked over my message, what I forgot to say was that my friend has made an almost full recovery and is on the mend which is wonderful news. That is why her Son phoned and said that I could visit. What I also forgot to add was that when my friends Son phoned he said, " I know your Son is a very nice man but not to bring him along as he was to much for her.
Also my friend has 2 family members only that had visited her in the day time, so the people that were already visiting that evening had been non family members.
Kind Regards
I'm glad that your friend will be alright, and I'm sorry that you've had this terrible upset. I wondered if perhaps your friend might have only been upset at your son's presence because he is a male. Perhaps she felt that family is one thing but non-family males were too much?
Hi there
I can fully understand why you were upset. I shouldn't comment without knowing all the facts. I usually only stop speaking to change feet in my mouth x x