Struggling to cope with daughter who has BPD

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
My daughter is 20 and suffers with anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, and borderline personality disorder.
We have struggled to get her help for over 6 years now and this is exacerbated by her not attending appointments, not trying to help herself and not accepting any help.
I asked her to move out 2 years ago when I had to move myself as she was regularly becoming more and more abusive, locking me in rooms, punching me etc. Then I discovered she had stolen my pain relief for gall bladder blockage ( I was awaiting surgery several months and in acute pain ) and was addicted to that. Leaving me with no pain relief during an acute attack which required hospital admission.
She moved in with her boyfriend and we stayed in touch with her staying with me for a few days at a time on visiting as they lived a couple of hours away. Then after a few months she refuses to leave, she was desperately unhappy and wanted to end their relationship. I said that I didn’t think I could live with her permanently due to her behaviour and my flat was too small. I let her stay on the understanding that she looked for somewhere else and I would help her.
She never left and my health deteriorated- I have ME and lost my mobility and a lot of independence. I ended up staying weekends with my partner who helped me and weekdays at home - which was often stressful - walking on eggshells. The frequent stress was stopping me from getting well. Between my partner and I and my M.E. specialist we decided to work towards me moving in with my partner and letting my daughter take in the flat. Preparing her for living in her own place - all set up with my furniture etc.
I moved out over a few months slowly getting her used to longer spells alone - I only live a mile away.
I finally moved fully 2 months, although a lot of my belongings are still there.

Problem is that she has deteriorated. She refused to sort benefits out for herself, didn’t attend appointments, rarely saw me. She repeatedly said she could not cope so I offered help and ended up sorting benefits etc but she still hadn’t sorted her bills even though I’ve registered her for most of them and all she needs to do .
I worked out and written down a budget sheet and instructions for her too.
She has been very low and anxious, and has started taking codiene and cannabis again which is worrying. She says she wants to stop and us trying.
I’ve found places locally she can go to for help with addiction, help with bpd and even a new couple of possible friends - her age online but local , one who has learned to cope well with bpd and wants to help her. I’ve found an art therapy group for her as she loves art - she liked it on visiting but won’t go. I’ve encourage her to try talking Therapies and she insists she wants to but never gets round to it.

Problem is she expects someone to wave a magic wand and help her with everything and no amount of chatting and sharing info will make her realise that she can help herself.

She is currently not washing/ showering, not eating properly, just zoning out on drugs all day every day. Not looking after herself at all. The one time she let me in the flat I the last two months it was filthy - and I mean crawling, full of flies - loads of them. She has vomited and not cleaned it up was sleeping in a bed that was full of rubbish and rotting food piled on it( my partner filled 8 bags of rubbish from her bed alone so she had a clean place to sleep at least- then she freaked out and wouldn’t let us help clear any more. We had to calm her and leave. She agreed to let us help a few days later but refused to let us in each time.

I finally got her to see a mental health practitioner today and it’s a years waiting list for therapy although she will see her again for a more in depth assessment and to see if she can offer her some short term help in the mean time. Problem was that she lied as she was embarrassed - I encouraged her to open up about most aspects which is a start I suppose. But she told the nurse that I was lying about how she was living!

So on accompanying her home she was angry about having to wait a year for therapy ) despite the fact that she has refused it before and not attended). She started trying to provoke an argument and would not stop. We met my partner at his car near her flat and she was still pushing to argue but I wasn’t being provoked. I said let’s hug and say goodbye for today and not argue but she started on my partner. He tried really hard to listen and help her calm but she had none of it and proceeded to grab me by the hair and try to drag me out of the car screaming at me - my partner pushed between us to stop her and it ended with us just driving off

We have since had awful texts telling me I am no longer her family and she is going to kill herself and it’s my fault.
I’ve not reacted.
Her boyfriend who lives in another city as talked with her and she eventually calmed down

Problem is that I am ill too and I am at the end of my tether after years and years of manipulative behaviour and abuse. She is a lovely person apart from this side of her and I love her dearly - I’ve tried everything to help her.
I have recently discovered a new treatment that might help me recover but it involves tackling my body’s maladaptive stress response and I need to reduce stress as well as learn better strategies to deal with it. I need to literally plan every single thing I do each day and pace it all out. I have a chance to be well and I am going to grab it and try everything to stick to it all. I’ve explained this to my daughter last week and sent her the videos as it could also help her.
But basically I need to put myself first - now as I’m in a crash and continued stress could make my health even worse. It’s vital that I get into a healing state and try to get well. This means she has to take response her own life and decisions, she will have to deal with the consequences of her own actions or lack of action.
I feel so bad backing off. But I am not abandoning her. I will happily get together a couple of times a week to do something together ( not that she has agreed to in recent months) and will still be supportive but will not be her carer. Unfortunately my health had changed to the pint that I now need a carer myself - but hopeful I can improve my health to the pint I won’t need help.

If anyone has read all this thank you.
I just don’t know where to turn at present. My partner is wonderful and I don’t want to burden him with all of this. I feel a need to talk to others in similar positions and see what others would do or what other people’s experiences have been
Autumn wrote [quote}This means she has to take response her own life and decisions, she will have to deal with the consequences of her own actions or lack of action. [/quote]

Autumn there is saying on here amongst those who have adult children or family members with MH that it can be very easy to inadvertently enable someone to stay as they are and that the best thing to do is to back off and let them take responsibility, difficult though that is. Don't feel guilty about putting your own health first (finally!) Giving her all the support in the world hasn't helped - only she can accept professional help and support.

Melly1
Is she seeing a therapist? If she won't allow paid for carers, the only other option is a good care home with experience of mental health issues. Have you had a needs assessment or not?