BPD Partner - I can't win

[Sarah_170512345678]

I have been a carer for my BPD boyf for the last 5 years or so. He has always battled with mental illness however diagnosed 5 years ago as BPD.

He has his moments and as I am the closest I get the fall out. But I am increasingly struggling with being shouted out or blamed when he is behaving irrationally.

I do not planning on leaving him but I don't know how to make him see how utterly hurtful and selfish he is being as I am not brave enough to tell him. I try to protect him and his feelings yet feel he doesn't care about mine.

He accuses me of not listening to him and the incident today was because I answered the door to the police - we have issues with the police and put a complaint in about them and they made threats today and put us in a corner where we had to help them (very long story but essentially they failed to help us when we were attacked by a neighbour resulting in a complaint against them) so he is angry at me because I didn;t spot the high viz vest s etc.

I am afraid of everything - and being in trouble and have my own issues. My grandad died at the weekend. Yet today I am the worst person ever.

I shouldnt accept his behaviour but I do...

[Sarah_170512345678]

To add I've just tried to talk to him and he has told me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that he won't put up with me anymore. Its all my fault. I have just lost my grandad and he is being cruel over something I had no control over.

This has broke my heart.

[bowlingbun]

Sadly Sarah, you will never "win" against BPD, from what I have read here. You either accept him and his faults, or you move on. Ask your GP if he can refer you to counselling.
Think about your dreams, marriage, children, happy family etc. etc. Will any of these ever come true with this man? Are you prepared to tolerate his behaviour, as it is now, for the rest of your life? If you stayed with him, how would you feel in 30 years time?
His behaviour towards you as far as granddad's death is concerned shows that he isn't going to demonstrate much compassion towards you when you need it most. Is it a case of if it doesn't affect him he doesn't really care?
If you want someone outside to tell you to leave, then here's my permission! However, talking things through with a counsellor would be a much more sensible way of going about things. Is it going to be difficult to separate out property and possessions?

[Sarah_170512345678]

I am 37 and have been with him since I was 17 - yeah we have a house together.

I have been through a lot and although his mental illness was always a concern this is the worst it has ever been in terms of how he speaks to me and puts me down.

I wish I had the guts to say to him how much he is hurting me but I don't think he cares when he is having an episode. In a few days it will be like it never happened and he is sorry. I have asked for him not to be so cruel I just don't know how to address the behaviour in the moment as I should.

I see a counceller once a month as part of a local care group.

[Custardcarer]

Hi Sarah, I'm new to the forum and saw your post. I'm in a similar situation, and I'm afraid that the poster above is right in the sense that you need to make up your mind. I'm not leaving my partner though. Been with her 20 years and we have the most tense time of it, but episodes always pass but I am never right. I went to counselling last year which really made me think about how I look at myself. I was unable to talk about myself with the councillor, it was all about my partner (although my partner thinks I only think about myself!) and she made me see how far I had moved away from knowing myself. Things are no better at home, if anything worse, but I can cope much better. I've been reading up and have begun to understand how BPD sufferers have so much trouble dealing with reading emotional things. From what I understand, it is possible that your other half is interpreting your grief wrongly, even as an aggression towards him making him aggressive towards you. I am trying to come to terms with this myself and am going to start a thread on this forum where I record and think about as many of those little, awkward or tense interactions we have that end up making me feel bad about myself, or end up bouncing around my head for hours or days. I bet you have had more imagined arguments in your head with your partner than you have in real life. I know I do, so I am working on understanding each conversation so I can deal with it then and there instead of it taking up all my thoughts.... and stealing my identity!

[Karen_1706123456789]

I'am new to the forum and need support due to caring for my husband with bi polar rapid cycling. Extreme mood swings and being blamed for everything takes its toll but talking to others is a great help.Not sure how to help my 2 sons who live with us and tend to stay in their rooms for a lot of the time.Going to local bi polar support group has helped but not many older people attend.My husband is going to attend wellbeing therapy for anger management and cognitive behavioral therapy. My husband is so changeable its draining and upsetting at times that I contact the mental crisis health team for advice but I would really like more advice on support for my grown up children.

[Jenna_1709]

I totally understand... I’ve been with my partner for years and I’m 99% sure he is suffering with BP. We have a house but was never sure if I wanted children. With my partners behaviour I don’t think it would be the right thing to do even though he holds it against me because as all his friends are having kids... and he said having kids would mean he has someone to look after him when he’s old. Though sometimes he says he wants to die and says he will end up killing himself on his motorbike which is one of the few things he enjoys. We have it hard enough looking after ourselves and the house isn’t finished even after years of living in it. It’s really getting me down, I suspect I suffer with Fibromyalgia as my mum and cousin have both been diagnosed and I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome in my early 20s. He was seeing a councillor but she said ‘maybe it is that you aren’t a nice person’ this one comment stopped him going ever again. He also used to take tablets which helped him deal with stress a little more. The problem is on the NHS that it’s next to impossible to get a diagnosis. They just send you off on an IAPT course as if it’s just a minor bit of depression. He won’t see anyone now and it’s getting worse.

[jenny lucas]

Jenna, sorry to ask a blunt question, but honeslty, why are you with this man? There doesn't seem to be anything at all in this relationship for YOU!

The very fact that he says he wants children so THEY CAN LOOK AFTER HIM!....says it all.

He seriously doesn't sound 'worth it' to me. You're not responsible for his condition, and you are entitled to your own happiness.

PS - his counsellor was probably right about him!