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Carers UK Forum • Boyfriend in another BPD "episode"
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Boyfriend in another BPD "episode"

Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2021 10:07 pm
by Echo_2102
Idk if this is the right website for this but when googling, I came across a similar post on this website so I'd like to get what's in my head rn out on this post...

Background info:
He has just been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with dissociative episodes as well as bipolar.

I have depression myself and altho it's mostly manageable, I am having one of my very very bad days. I explained how I felt to my boyfriend, and he's not only in a mood but he was displaying the tell-tale signs of going into what I call an "episode". He was sighing at really insensitive points and told me in a tone that sounded like I was wasting his time that he really did not want to talk to me. I get the hint, and leave it before he gets verbally abusive.I let him know he's going into an "episode" and that if he gains any self-awareness tonight, could he pls let me know he doesn't dislike me. To which he replies that I need to **** off already.
So now the hole of pain in my chest is a million times larger. I feel so worthless in not just my own eyes but his too. I know that is irrational because he won't mean the things he's thinking when he's back to normal. He'll be filled w too much guilt and regret for anyone to bare.

Thing is, I just don't get this whole dissociative thing he goes through. I have done some research but known of what I hear ever compares to the extreme switch I watch him go through.
It's so difficult to comprehend it, despite knowing it's all in his head, despite having tried my best to understand this mindset for years.

You hear people calling bpd sufferers "abusive" and from my stand point there is a lot of verbal abuse and mind games to cause pain. I don't want to add to that stigma, because it really isn't the fault of the person with bpd! But that does not mean they can't be so so cruel and malicious. Today's example isn't a good one as I left it before it got like that.
It does not matter how bad I feel, the person I want to view as my life partner, can not feel any empathy for me. Instead, something has triggered him today, and so he views me as a toxic and hurtful individual in his life, that I deserve to feel pain. And if I bombard him, he will make me feel enough pain to get me to leave him alone. I understand the pattern by now, yet it's still so unfathomable.

I read online that those with bpd are scared of being abandoned, and experience paranoia, and it's the motive that makes them act cruel and push those closest to them away. BUT I'm not sure that's his motive. I know he feels hurt by me for god knows what tonight. That his stress is my fault. That he must get away from me cuz I am the source of his pain. But idk if it's got anything to do with feeling uncared about or like I'm gonna leave him.

I still need to do so much more research. I just get so tired of it by now.

Anyone in the same boat or have experienced bpd themselves?

(Please do not comment anything along the lines of "is this what you want in the future?" "Is it worth it?" I hear this a lot because unless you have it or experienced the onslaught from your partner then it is hard to really get it. I mean I don't even get what it feels like. But this illness is something that causes sufferers so much sudden overwhelming pain, that no wonder they respond erratically).

Re: Boyfriend in another BPD "episode"

Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2021 11:20 pm
by bowlingbun
I ask "is it worth it?" in case someone wants to feel they want to, but cannot.
No one knows what it is like to live in someone else's shoes, whoever they are.
Clearly your love is greater than the illness.
My son was brain damaged at birth. We have had many challenges, but the bond between us is strong.
Is there any one thing that you feel would help most at a time of crisis?

Re: Boyfriend in another BPD "episode"

Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2021 4:05 pm
by Londonbound
I will say to anyone with BPD and often other co existing disorders that long term therapy is needed, it is the only way forward.

Dissociative episodes I would suggest looking at MIND website, they have a lot about "Dissociative Identity Disorder"

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-sup ... disorders/

A very very complex disorder caused often by abuse in the past.

Has your boyfriend suffered child abuse in the past or sexual assault?

This is often the cause of the above issues.

If your boyfriend has suffered abuse then the Survivors Trust can give professional abuse therapy

https://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/find-support

hope that helps, please do post again, will try my best to help.

I am looking after my caree with the same issues BPD and DID.

Re: Boyfriend in another BPD "episode"

Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2021 5:30 pm
by Daniel_21031
I have a partner who also has BPD, he is currently in an episode where he completely ignores me, we don't live together as we only started dating in November 2020.

You may have more knowledge and experience in this then me, but I've also done research and what I found to be the most important factor is to have patience, people often ask me if I knew my partner had BPD before we started dated would I still of dated him and the answer is always a yes, is it hard, definitely, but you dont choose who you fall in love with so naturally you just have to try and be patient and supportive.

Have you tried having a discussion of perhaps setting up some boundaries? Research suggests even when your partner is currently in an episode they are aware of what they're doing, so setting up boundaries for both of you will I believe based on research would help in these situations.

My partner when he is back to his normal self always acknowledges the pain he inflicts but he only told me about his BPD last month, and right now he is ignoring my attempts to make contact as it's his 26th birthday today, and I want to be there with him but he often pushes me away, he did the same at Christmas, but I did order him a big birthday card so he knows I do have real feelings for him.

Be patient, be supportive, and next time you both speak after this episode perhaps have a discussion of setting boundaries so perhaps the same mistakes dont repeat and hopefully these episodes when they do happen are easier for the both of you.