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Help me please urgently! Re Ex husband Delusional Disorder - Carers UK Forum

Help me please urgently! Re Ex husband Delusional Disorder

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Hi,

Hello, this is my first post here so *waves* !

Right, wow. So. My ex husband and I split up 9 years ago. We have two children, aged 14 (girl, A) and 12 (W). It has all come to a head lately recently as W doesn't want anything to do with his dad for various reasons so we are at Court. A has gone to live with ex's mum and ex preferably and I am the wicked witch of the west as I told her off so she ran away from it. Again, separate issue, we'd be on all day if I explained everything that was going on!

A may be autistic, she's going through tests etc. Since she has moved to ex's (100 miles away) ex now wants A to go to a school near him, so that issue has been brought into the court proceedings. Since there are children we have CAFCASS. I phoned ex today (we are not speaking at all at the moment) to say could we get a joined up view on what to do about A's school for the court hearing next week if at all possible considering the autism. I ended up on the phone to him for 1.5 hours.

I went to see my mum and have just got in and I need help urgently. See what happened in the phone call was this:

The truth (swear down on the Bible and God is my friend and I would never lie and also as I can't!) of why we split is this:

Our marriage was very rocky, like almost dead. One night, W (aged 3.5) wouldn't go to sleep and was crying so ex went upstairs and smacked him really hard on his little hand - I saw it as I was chasing ex up and telling ex that I would sort it. I went into see W, cuddled him, told him it would never happened again and W eventually fell asleep. I walked down the stairs, stopped halfway down and sat down and started to cry and I whispered, 'this life has got to end, it has to end,' then more defiantly, ' it ends RIGHT NOW.' I walked past the living door and said I was going for a ciggy, I was nervous about telling ex I was going to leave him. I came into living room, I was crying loads and I told him I was leaving him. Ex said nothing and I don't hold that against him, shock etc. Shortly afterwards I left with the kids.

Today, he said something and I asked him why he thinks we split up. He said that it's because I was having a nervous breakdown and seeing a counsellor. :shock: Seriously, check my records, nothing of the sort. He said that he hit W once only and he felt so bad about it he vowed he'd never do that again. Right, we have all been in situations where we felt terrible. We will never forget the environment, the people around us etc. So I said ok, so what happened after you hit W? He said I went crazy, shouting at him and really really furious (as mentioned I was sobbing and saying I'm going to leave him). I asked and then what happened? (Truth: I left him) He said he can't remember.

So tonight I was talking to my mum and saying, why on earth would you not remember what happened the night your wife left you? It is one of the biggest things to ever happen to you, so why can you not remember? Then we worked it out - shutter island if you have ever seen the movie, basically he literally can not believe that actually he killed his wife and daughter, in the movie I'm on about not in my life!!! :) So I googled Shutter Island and discovered delusional disorder. Googled more and this is him.

if he had been an ex with no kids then I would have happily just never spoken to him again, but he wanted to see the kids. you have no idea how hellish the past 9 years have been due to my ex.

Now as stated, we are at court. So CAFCASS absolutely bollcked me MASSIVELY and I was really upset because I had told W that ex and his ex girlfriend had split up because I, little me who has never even met his ex girlfriend, because I threatened them both with a knife. W then asked me if this is what I'd done, and I said no. W was even disappointed as W was going to say, 'well done' as he hates his dad at the moment. But I said sorry to let you down son but I didn't do that.

Now, around 4 years ago, ex did something bad to W. I was furious and he never had the kids stay over with him again but I text him and told him that if I ever see your face again I will slice it open. I was really mad, you would be too.

I told CAFCASS this and they asked whether I could see why ex would say that I threatened him with a knife? I said, well apart from the fact that he's 6.2 and 20 stone and strong and I'm 5.7 and weak and pathetic (only physically, not mentally!! :) ) and could therefore overpower me in approx 30 seconds, and given the fact that in reality I wouldn't do that anyway as I'm too timid, the big thing is that I didn't say the same thing to his ex gf did I? CAFCASS said that it was still inappropriate to say these things to a 12 year old boy and I said, 'But it wasn't ME who said it! W just asked me if it was true and I said no!'.

I have huge problems here now. I am pleased I have worked out the issue with him after all of these years but I also now know how dangerous he is. Because he actually, completely believes his version of events, he is good at persuading people like CAFCASS and the court that basically I am a terrible mother, terrible person, apparently phoning him every weekend and telling him how many men I've had sex with including a Chelsea footballer, and being really drunk when I do.

How on earth do I defend myself against that? What if the court believe him?

In addition, I think my daughter, A, is the same. She is with CAMHS and her counsellor phoned me and said that she is worried as A said she is totally fine and really happy and CAMHS dug deeper and she really is happy. CAMHS told me that thing is, she shouldn't be. She should be worried she's fallen out with her family, feeling homesick, feeling unsure of the future etc. The reason A left home was as I was asking horrible questions, like 'why did you fall out with your lovely two friends' and she said that they got the wrong end of the stick. I asked what that was, I was on her side you know - at least pretending to be as I know how she can erupt. She said she doesn't know.

So HELP ME!

A: How do I Defend myself in court against him? Order a psych report? Mmmm..

B: How do I protect myself and my children from him?

C: How do I deal with him?

Any answers hugely appreciated x
Hi Helen
Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting - it sounds like you have had a really long and complicated time over the last few years and with the court case things are coming to a head.
I'm sure lots of our regular posters will provide the carers perspective but I would encourage you to contact our helpline on 0808 808 7777 or email advice@carersuk.org (see the web page for more info: https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/talk-to-us).
Additionally, you may want to talk with your local Citizens Advice on some of the practical concerns you have highlighted - their website is http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/
Really hope the court hearing goes ok for you.
Kind regards, Tony - Carers UK staff