New to the Site - I don't know if I can do this anymore

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Hi everyone

I am new to the site and my main driver for signing up was because I feel totally at a dead end with my partner and I just do not have anyone around me that I feel can actually understand what it is like and the challenges you face every day with a partner suffering from depression and anxiety.

My partner has suffered under the radar for quite some time now, however over the last two years, it has worsened, and the depression has really taken hold with self-harm being a major issue. I won’t go into much of the details of the past but my partner has really been through the mill but has (not intentionally) taken me through it as well, pushing me away, being at times very mean, then coming back and saying they love me -our relationship has been turbulent to say to least, but i am trying desperately to fight for us when my partner hasn’t got the strength,

the hardest challenge is to continue to do this, there is just no movement forward, just every day is like the day before, i worry about self-harm, the self-harm happens, then angry at me for asking why, then the comments of never happening again, and feeling better to getting up the next day and repeat. Pushing me away as hard as possible then acting the life and soul of the party around friends,

I love them so much, we are due to get married later this year, and i know it is terrible but all i keep asking myself is whether i can do this for the rest of my life. I am not the one with the mental health condition, I know that, I know how desperately they need my support and how I know, and they do not want to feel this way.

I just desperately want to talk to someone that understands what it is like to look into your partner’s eyes and not recognise them, to be pushed so far away that you feel isolated and insecure, to not understand how someone who loves you can be so mean. I just have a million questions:

Am I wrong to think this this is not ok
Am I wrong to expect some effort on their part
Am I wrong to expect effort for our relationship
Am I wrong to not want to do it anymore
Am I wrong to think of the future and whether I could do this for the rest of my life
Am I wrong to be scared to get married
Am I wrong to resent the relationship with friends the “fun them”
Am I wrong to want to be alone?

So many more…. 

Why do I feel this way, why can’t I just be strong enough to not let this bother me and give them the support they need.
Hi Kate, welcome to the forum. Have you asked Social Services for a Carers Assessment? Make sure it's not done at home when your partner is there.
I don't think you are being fair on yourself. I think your questions are all very fair ones, certainly I would be wondering if it was time to "Vote with my Feet". It's a big decision, and to help you arrive at the right answer for you, I suggest that you have some counselling specifically aimed at helping you answer your questions for yourself.
Would I be right in thinking you are under 30? Do you want a family of your own? Would this ever be a good idea with this man? I believe we are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness, if we don't look after ourselves, why should we expect anyone else to? Big questions. Ask your GP to recommend a good counsellor you can relate to. It certainly changed my life. I hope it does yours.
thank you so much for your response, I will revisit my GP, however, i don't feel they ever offer particular support but i perhaps need to be a bit firmer. What would the careers assessment reveal?

thank you

There might be services available in your area that you don't know about, but most of all it would allow you to talk to someone understanding. The GP should be able to arrange counselling for you on the NHS if you are struggling. However, if you can afford it, private counselling might be better because then you can choose how and when you see the counsellor. My first free counselling was just beginning to help me a lot when I was told I'd had all the sessions I was allowed and the counsellor left anyhow! Now I have a private counsellor I can see whenever I feel the need.