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I'm a mess and can't do it anymore - Carers UK Forum

I'm a mess and can't do it anymore

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Hi, I've been here before but I feel ashamed asking for help because I feel shouldn't. I don't think I can do this anymore.

I care for my mother who has psychosis. She has turned into someone else this past year. I look at her and don't recognise her. She makes me so mad.

I try, I do everything I can. Sometimes I think when she tries to harm herself she should... that's wrong I know, but I think it.
She recently had a big breakdown and has the crisis team involved. It was very traumatic for me and her. In some ways I thought it would help. It would get desperately needed people involved... but they just don't have the resources or time.
The first few days were good... but they don't even turn up now.

I tell them, they say things will get better... then nothing happens. Then I repeat it over and over. I'm sick of the lies. I don't trust anyone anymore.

I think I'm getting really bad issues myself. I can't completely function. I don't even like being around her. I can't look at her without feeling sad and angry.

Other things are going on. It would take me hours to fully explain...

I don't even know why I'm posting to be honest. I have no questions... just hoping someone understands I guess.
Conrad first thing you need is a big (((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))) vent as much as you want here we don't mind.
Hi Conrad. My situation is different to yours, but I can relate to so much that you wrote. Big hugs to you, and please let off steam as much as you want.
Hi Conrad, I'm sorry that I can't help with any wise words, but just to let you know people are thinking of you and I'm sending you hugs x
Hi Conrad,

Your situation sounds dire. You are burnt out and that's why you are struggling more than ever, fighting for support also saps the residue of any energy left. I know that feeling and how it leads to a lack of empathy and indeed irritation with the caree. It is the situation and lack of support that leads to this, carers are human after all.

How old is your Mum? Is it time to consider residential / alternative care?

Keep posting, don't bottle it up.

We'll do our best to support you.

Melly1
Hi Melly, my mum is in here mid 50s.

I agree, a lot of this is because I feel I'm completely alone in this. Not only that, I feel I have to hide all of this from my family. I have to pretend it's all going to be ok and it'll get better (and is).

The amount of times I've asked for help and been told I'll get it is crazy. I just don't trust them because I get my hopes up every time... I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with the care system.


Again thank you everyone for your support. I feel a bit better at the moment. When I wrote this I was in a very dark place. It's really nice to know people are around who understan me. I feel no one can, but you do Image

Thank you.
Hi conrad ((((hugs))))
Never feel ashamed to ask for help either here or elsewhere - you are not superman and cant do everything. Unfortunately, mental health problems are at the bottom of the NHS pile and things tend to get swept under the carpet. It is so difficult to fight for carers rights if you are tired out. Image
Why do you have to pretend to your family that everything is OK? Surely it would be better to be honest and let them know what is really happening. You might even get some support from them if you do (although I know that it doesnt always work)
I'm with Crocus on this one: I think whatever has happened in the past, it's time to write to your family and tell them that you cannot handle it alone. Make it clear and simple, not melodramatic, and copy it to your social worker. "Hi guys, I'm at the end of my tether with mum, and I need a break. It isn't fair that I have to handle this alone 24/7, and I am seriously considering handing over to the care services unless I get some help. A problem shared is a problem halved. Hope you can see it from my perspective ..."
That kind of thing, short and sweet. Morally and in terms of legal rights you are in the right if you choose to step away, as long as you make a reasonable effort to communicate first.
There have been a number of people on this forum who have taken the hugely difficult decision to walk away from their caring role, when it became intolerable. A relative of my daughter in law has been mentally ill for over 30 years, with only one real topic of conversation, herself. Her partner is trapped in what I would call an abusive relationship, if she doesn't get what she wants, she "kicks off", she is very manipulative and seems to spread unhappiness. I don't know why her husband stays with her, she is never going to change. If mum is in her fifties, then you must be roughly between 20 and 30 I guess? Do you have any life of your own? Is it worth sacrificing your own life to care for mum? Whatever you do, it's important that you have someone to talk to about your situation. So explain to your GP how you feel and ask if he can arrange some counselling for you. It is really important that you can look back on this time of your life and know that you considered all the options, and made the best choice for you. Stop pretending to the rest of the family that everything is fine, when it clearly isn't. Keep a diary of what is happening on a daily basis, which might help others to believe the reality of your situation.
It is so nice to know I am not alone. I have never used these forums until tonight.

My wife has psychosis and other mental health issues. I am her carer, but I am not coping. She can be up and down, and while lately she has been up, you never know when it will all spiral downwards again.

People just dont understand how difficult it is being a carer, especially for a loved one. You are in a battle between being a carer and a husband, and sometimes get that thrown in your face.

I love my wife very much. I would never walk away from her, but if I am honest I have thought about it in the past. The mood swings, emotional turmoil can get too much to take sometimes.

I am now on medication (started today) and am hoping this will lift my head a bit more above water.