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Advice needed on how to deal with partner’s behaviour - Carers UK Forum

Advice needed on how to deal with partner’s behaviour

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Hi all. It’s my first time on here but have been driven to it as I need some help.
My husband of 5 years (together around 10) suffers from severe depression and anxiety. He has since being young so way before we met, and I knew he was ill when we got together. I was, however, ignorant about mental health at the time and assumed it would get better.
Over time there have inevitably been some good spells but he’s bad most of the time.
I’m the most patient person you could wish to meet and I’ve got to the point where my reason for being is him. Everything I do and often what I say is influenzas by him and trying to avoid triggering an outburst. He basically has two modes - angry and not angry.
I get that you take things out on those closest to you, but I feel after all this time that I’ve completely lost sight of who I am. I have no identity of my own. And I feel weak and pathetic as a result of letting him treat me the way he does.
I don’t bite back cos I tell myself it’s not him talking (or screaming), it’s the illness. And he will often apologise at a later point. But in the meantime I feel like I’m just being used as his mental punchbag. And I’m getting pretty over it.
How should I best deal with this? Do I just take it and accept it is the illness, not him? Or should I stand up for myself and call out his unreasonable behaviour? My concern re doing this is that I’m all he’s got. If he thinks he’s losing me I fear he may do the worst.
I just don’t know what the right way to deal with this is. Am I legitimising his behaviour by putting up with it?
Any advice would be very welcome. Thanks.
Hi Christopher.

Thanks for joining the Forum and for sharing your experiences as a carer with us. I'm sorry to hear that you've been going through a difficult time for several years and have sent you a private message with some suggestions which I hope will be of help. You can access your private message when you are logged in to the Forum by clicking the link at the top right of the page.

Wishing you well

Michael