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Adult daughter with BPD - intolerable to be with - Carers UK Forum

Adult daughter with BPD - intolerable to be with

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Harsh title but I’m finding it harder and harder to interact with her. We had to throw her out 3 years ago because of drug taking and attacking my youngest daughter. Nothing has ever been easy with her, her choice of friends and men have always been questionable. She has a completely different view of her past to what we and her sister have. Everything is our fault in her eyes, we caused this, we hadn’t seen her for 6 months and she came over only for everything to kick off again because my husband shouted at her for letting the dog run upstairs and chase the elderly cat. She then proceeded to scream at me outside the house and throw a ball repeatedly at the lounge window and empty a full bag of dog biscuits all over our front garden. She’s 27 and killing us! I’ve had to block her texts and I think I may have to permanently cut her out of my life. My youngest will have nothing to do with her and hasn’t done for 3 years. I don’t know what to do or where to start for any support as I’m a very private person.
Hi Lol47,

Welcome to the forum.

It sounds like a stressful visit.

Have you had counselling, this would only involve you opening up to one person.

Others on here have experience of family members with BPD, hopefully they will be along too.

Melly1
Hello yes I’ve had some counselling a few years ago but this was more to do with her drug use not BPD. Possibly this could be a way to go but unsure who to go to
Is she getting any help for her BPD?
She’s been having counselling and the letter that is due to arrive in next day or 2 gives the full diagnosis, she doesn’t tell us anything regarding the counselling but did say we can read the letter as it’s all our fault she is like this.
Lol47 wrote:
Tue Dec 28, 2021 1:11 pm
Hello yes I’ve had some counselling a few years ago but this was more to do with her drug use not BPD. Possibly this could be a way to go but unsure who to go to
Hi Lol47, counselling of this nature might not be available via your GP but may still be worth discussing, as it clearly affects you deeply. Otherwise your local Mind branch might offer low cost counselling or have a list of local resources. You can find your branch here: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-sup ... cal-minds/

All best wishes

Aaron
Aaron_Carers UK wrote:
Tue Dec 28, 2021 9:05 pm
Lol47 wrote:
Tue Dec 28, 2021 1:11 pm
Hello yes I’ve had some counselling a few years ago but this was more to do with her drug use not BPD. Possibly this could be a way to go but unsure who to go to
Hi Lol47, counselling of this nature might not be available via your GP but may still be worth discussing, as it clearly affects you deeply. Otherwise your local Mind branch might offer low cost counselling or have a list of local resources. You can find your branch here: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-sup ... cal-minds/

All best wishes

Aaron
Thanks for your reply I’ll look into this, I’m hoping I can get some further input from others regarding their experiences of a similar nature as I don’t see how I can carry on trying to keep the relationship going
Hi, I have the same problem as you, an adult daughter diagnosed this year with BPD
. Self harming, drug abuse, a suicide attempt just before Christmas and I don't know how to cope. She blames her past and me (like you, her recollection is very unrecognisable to my memories). I left her dad when she was a teenager- he was a alcoholic, so I was basically like a single parent.
I take one moment at a time. I live on egg shells! I dread messages from her, I dread calling her. My poor husband is so supportive and says she will never break us, but I know she pushes the most tolerant persons buttons. She has a four year old daughter and all the right people are now involved. But I am helpless and scared for the future for us all. I. Sorry this is not helpful, but just wanted you to know. I really do understand.
Kathryn_22011 wrote:
Sun Jan 02, 2022 10:02 pm
Hi, I have the same problem as you, an adult daughter diagnosed this year with BPD
. Self harming, drug abuse, a suicide attempt just before Christmas and I don't know how to cope. She blames her past and me (like you, her recollection is very unrecognisable to my memories). I left her dad when she was a teenager- he was a alcoholic, so I was basically like a single parent.
I take one moment at a time. I live on egg shells! I dread messages from her, I dread calling her. My poor husband is so supportive and says she will never break us, but I know she pushes the most tolerant persons buttons. She has a four year old daughter and all the right people are now involved. But I am helpless and scared for the future for us all. I. Sorry this is not helpful, but just wanted you to know. I really do understand.
Hello Kathryn and thanks for your reply. I’m sorry you are in the same or similar boat to us. It’s heartbreaking and sadly for us I’m beginning to see no way out. My daughter is 28 this year, thankfully no kids involved but we’ve had this behaviour since she was 13 and have tried everything. Walking on eggshells is absolutely correct, everything and I mean Everything is our fault in her eyes, she takes no responsibility or blame for anything. It’s pointless even trying to discuss things with her now as she turns everything into being the victim. She’s never held on to any friends, but she does have people around her. I hate myself for thinking it but if no contact is the way to go for us all I think it might have to be. Her manipulation and the horrendous anxiety she causes is killing me. I’m well aware how terrible It is for her and the fact this adds to the abandonment feelings but whatever we do is not enough. I don’t think it ever will be. I really hope you can work through this but it won’t be easy xx
Thank you for replying. I am sorry you feel there is no way out. When my daughter takes her medication we seem to have a reprieve and things settle for a while, but I am always waiting for the next thing. I have read that it can get better as they get older.
I blame the large amount of drugs she took when she was younger- not something the experts agree on though.
It wasn't until I came across this site that I saw only things to help my daughter, not the parents who are at their Witt's end! I feel my life runs around my daughter and her feelings and I have to isolate myself at times- for my own sanity. I can't keep pussyfooting around her. There is a fine line between her as a victim and her as someone who almost relishes in the chaos. I am sure she has narcissistic tendancies too! Not a great combo.
We don't get on at all at the moment. And she ruined Christmas day- the first one we had spent with her for 10 years- she did kind of apologise too, which is a first!
To be honest I wait every day for a call from the police, for killing herself or for being in a traffic accident. It's not a good way to live.
You need to look after you and only you can do that.
Who knows what the future will hold for you and she may even grow out of it. I hang on to that hope as that's all I have.
I am thankful for everything I have and every good second I have with her.
Do what you need to do. Be honest with yourself. Stay true to you.
Once you are in a stronger place, you may be able to try again.
I really do wish you the best of luck with what you decide- and it has to be your decision. Xx