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How to tell someone they're not good at something - Page 5 - Carers UK Forum

How to tell someone they're not good at something

For issues specific to caring for someone with learning disabilities
the last thing i was being was offensive,i was looking at this in an unbiased way,we will agree to disagree .
Can I please ask you to respect opinions different to your own.
Myrtle - excuse me - I will not respect the views of ignorant, ill informed people- they have done enough damage to us.

This forum should not promote negative, stereotype attitudes to people with Downs Syndrome and their families. This forum should not be discussing other people when it has nothing to do with anyone's caring remit.
Dragonlady, thanks for your PM. I will reply, but much of what I want to say fits with what is happening on the open forum. So much of my response will go here.

You refer to some people as "ignorant" and "ill-informed".

That is a judgement that you have made. There is little evidence to back it up other than the manner in which someone has tried to describe a situation without going into identifiable detail, and the manner in which some others have responded. Myself included as it turns out.

And it's also your personal judgement that this forum is now promoting stereotypical views.

Newsflash. Everyone behaves according to the stereotypes they have created for themselves. You appear to see prejudice in every statement on this particular topic. Others don't. That's because you see the situation as being a stereotypical form of discriminatory behaviour, whereas others may not have experienced it in that way. But stereotypes can be misleading, and I have lost count of the cases I've been involved in where things appeared to be in line with one set of stereotypes, only to be something completely different - or actually meet a diametrically opposed stereotype.

Take any professional who sees a parent as neurotic. Their behaviour (not listening or acknowledging a parent's concerns) entrenches the behaviours that make the parent come across as being neurotic, and the professional as disinterested. The parents try harder to be heard, more strident. And ears become even more closed. Going onto the attack at every opportunity does not change behaviour - it entrenches it.

However, we have a rule here: treat everyone's views with respect. Disagree by all means, make your own point - but don't stab people with it.

If you feel you have not been respected, please take it up with mods or with the management - Matt and Gavin. Report any specific post (click on the exclamation mark above the post) that you feel has transgressed in any way. But going onto the attack by other means is more likely to result in sanctions.

Myrtle made a fair and balanced comment - without naming anyone. It was a call for calm because the situation was becoming increasingly strident and frankly unreasonable. Frankie Boyle's comments are well documented and in fact were heavily criticised here: viewtopic.php?f=2&t=16197

As for your response to Myrtle, a carer came to this board seeking help because she felt her break from caring was being disrupted by another caring situation. The rights and wrongs of the situation are a separate matter - but the situation itself was perfectly valid on those grounds alone. The content of the post is another issue: it was clearly going to be controversial. That does not mean that there was discrimination or prejudice.

The young man's behaviour was mentioned. Some of it is certainly not untypical in people with LD's - my son has his own moments in terms of his groin (!) - but that doesn't make it common for people not usually in contact with people with LD's, and it certainly doesn't make the behaviour more acceptable because a person with LD's does it. A good parent tries to modify the behaviour, although success will always be patchy in that regard. A bad parent will excuse the behaviour on the grounds that "he can't help it." That is a statement I detest - and I find it far more discriminatory than some of the statements you've objected to. Because it's simply an excuse for not trying. For not pushing beyond the current limits.

Our people have so much to offer. By stretching them - in a planned and positive way, using small steps - they can grow as well as anyone else. Just more slowly.
" I belong to small music group and we have a member who has Downs Syndrome. His family mistakenly thought it was the right sort of group for his level of ability but we are unable to help support him in his social skills and to perform at our relatively high level. We do not have the skills or resources to help him and feel he will be better catered for eleswhere. We do not wish to upset him or his family. Also - are there any legal obligations we should be aware of in regard to accommodating his needs?"


If your group is funded by a local authority there may be a proviso for social inclusion in which case you would have to restructure your acitivities in order to accommodate people with special needs which might include providing a support worker if necessary. If this is not the case you will have to tell the man and his family that sadly you do not have the skills and resources to enable the man to take part in the group and advise them of an alternative. Congratulate the man on the skills he has and congratulate the carers for encouraging his skills and interest in music. Tell them how you understand how difficult it is access mainstream groups and congratulate them on their efforts to be included. Tell them how happy you would be to see the man in the future when he has progressed and offer any help or advice that you could give outside the group.
( under no circumstances give him a Mars Bar and a pat on the head)

THAT IS BEING POSITIVE AND INFORMED AND SENSITIVE!