Caring for my mother

For issues specific to caring for someone with dementia.
This is my first post , so just hoping for a chat , my mother and father lived with me for nearly 20yrs , first my mother got diagnosed with dementia and had two long stays in hospital when she came out my father and myself nursed her and she became almost back to her old self , then my father got lung cancer , which I nursed him through to the end with very little help from the authorities. This was all 10 yrs ago , now my mother has other illnesses and it's getting harder to nurse her incontinence being one of the issues , with dementia , copd and lung problems etc , I'm getting older and finding it harder to look after her with health issues myself, if she starts needing more nursing care , my husband has said we will have to put her In a home as we can't cope . She has no money and has never had any money , hence the reason they came to live with me . We have had experience of SS promising everything when in reality giving very little help . When the time comes , when we longer will care for her , it will be hard , but our life is being sucked out of us . One of my questions is can we say we no longer can care for her ? She is 87yrs
It certainly sound like residential is fast becoming the only option. If she has no money then Social Services should do an assessment and then arrange an appropriate placement. Go and have a look at the local homes that take Social Services funded EMI (Elderly Mentally Infirm) patients, and talk to the Matron. Write down things that are important to mum, like bathing issues, food, etc. and once you've been to 3 or 4 places you will know what mum would/would not like.
I agree with everything you said bowlingbun. By the way, welcome to the forum Susan! Does your mother still have dementia?
Yes, I think it's time for a care home. Remember, SS will do their utmost to 'pesuade' you to keep looking after her yourself, for free - but it IS your home and YOU have the right to say who lives in it! You can just 'insist' you WILL NOT be providing any further care, and a care home is the only option now.

Start checking out the local ones and visiting.

Do bear in mind that many members here can testify that once their elderly parent was in a care home, their relationship with them actually improved enormously! This is because the 'drudge work' of caring (getting up, toileting, meals, laundry, getting to bed, etc etc etc) is being done by 'someone else' (staff at the care home), and so 'we' can spend our time in 'keeping company' when we visit.

One possibility you might like to consider is whether your mum could come to you for 'weekends' (not every weekend!), so that she has some of you 'at home' and you still get life 'freed up' by her being looked after in the care home.

I did this for a while with my MIL and it worked quite well until she got too frail.
Yeah, I think Jenny is right. You have to make some time on your own, relax for a bit. You still did a good job in caring for your mom.
It's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking "Once mum and dad have gone we can do..."
My husband and I lived midway between both sets of parents, our children were lucky to have all of them until they were adults.
Unfortunately, as they got older, they kept telling everyone they were coping well, when in fact they were becoming more and more reliant on us.
Soon after my father in law died at the age 0f 87, my husband had a massive heart attack and died too, at the age of 58. FIL enjoyed 22 years of retirement, my husband died before he even retired.
Don't let this happen to you, don't keep putting off things you want to do because of mum. A friend of mine cared for his mum until she died...at 104!
Mum will always want to stay with you, she will never willingly agree to any change, because you look after her well, and change is worrying. Furthermore, as people become older, they just lose any understanding of just how much others are sacrificing for them. This is apparently a natural part of the ageing process. My mum just wanted more and more and more from me, even when I had a business to run, a son with LD, and was walking on two sticks.
You and your husband are the only ones who can insist on change, you will have to make it happen.
When my mum went into a nursing home because she was so frail, it wasn't what either of us wanted, but it was what she needed.. It was only a mile away, I could call in whenever I wanted. We went back to being mother and daughter again. With all the work being done by others, I had time to buy fresh flowers, keep her up to date with news, and talk about all sorts of things.
Your own health is important too. You owe it to your husband to stay healthy.
Great thoughts bowlingbun. Being healthy is important in order for us to be able to take care of our loved ones. Thank you for sharing this with us.