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urgh!!! I can't cope with this - Carers UK Forum

urgh!!! I can't cope with this

For issues specific to caring for someone with dementia.
Hi

Please excuse this but I just need to vent, I am so upset at the mo, as me and my mother just had a argument this morning, which was upsetting, I am almost glad when I am a work, is that bad?

She came downstairs and asked me if I had seen Sam and when I said no that was that so ok there. I know you are suppose to go along with them, through advice on here.], but it is really very hard to do when you know its not true, as she kept on about she doesn't know where Sam is and she hopes she's alright, so I am sorry so say I pointed out I am here I am Sam to which she replied 'Oh you're everybody', or she saids she'll ask Sam when she sees her, so when she keeps saying that I got kind of upset and pointed out this is why I am getting her the memory test but of course its not her that needs a memory test she saids oh you need one as she believes I am the one who is in the wrong, its so frustrating!!. I don't know how people cope with this as I think this will only get worse.

The doctor is coming round on the 10th March to ask her questions and hopefully refer her to a memory clinic, which she prob won't like, and won't like doing anything she doesn't want to do.

I have been advised to get her a urine test because of her memory but she didn't have one for this reason, she had one last November as she felt unwell and a urine test was for that, do you need a one specifically for memory or will that one suffice?
Sam
It is very hard to keep going along with what's being said, especially when it's hurtful. I lost it a couple of times with hubby in the nursing home, and cried with guilt. We are human!
The urine test is to check for infection. In elderly, UTI doesn't always show signs as in the younger generation. It does, however cause dreadful confusion, that can mimic dementia. It's best checked regardless.
You will learn to cope, even if inwardly you are screaming. She needs to know where Sam is, and is well. She clearly isn't recognising you. ( Heartbreaking) So you will find yourself thinking of places, to pacify. I'm actually a hopeless fibber. Go red for others! I said these kind lies to hubby to keep him from being distressed,in turn easier for me.
https://www.verywellhealth.com/coping-w ... -you-97998

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/alzh ... 144197.htm

https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/ ... ising-you/

From the above web site..

here are cues you can use to help the person with dementia make the connections between the past and the present. The following tips may help to do this:

Put up photos around the house of important times you were together, such as weddings, birthdays, children’s parties
Show the progression of time in these photos, so that they show a spouse or partner when young, but also throughout time and how they are now
Keep a photo album on display with the photos clearly marked with people’s names, the year and the event, following the progression from the past to the present day
Wear clothes around the house that the person would associate with you; these could include a favourite item of clothing or styles from when you were both younger
Wear aftershave or perfume that the person associates with you. If they have a favourite perfume or aftershave, encourage its use; often the sense of smell can evoke positive memories when words cannot.
Thank you for you so much for your kind reply Pet66, you obviously have been through it as well, you are soooo right it is hard and I fear it is going to get harder, I too am a hopeless fibber and am likely to red, but I suppose for peace sake and to avoid arguments I will have to learn to play along more although I know its a lie, she doesn't as they really believe it.

The latest is she even texted my phone last night about 12 when I was asleep saying 'text me back please Sam' thinking she hadn't come home, when I asked her if she was alright this morning before I came to work she said the she is still worried about Sam and when I showed her she texted me it didn't make a joint of difference she just told me to go away she didn't mean me,which made me feel really bad and I started to have bad thoughts and think well why am I here, as I wouldn't miss me, soo I am so glad I am at work, which I feel guilty feeling as you should want to spend time with your mother, after all she is the only one you will have. It's a shame as sometimes shes fine, like when other people phone up like my brother or sister, also I take her out in her chair at the weekend and have we have a nice lunch together and she tries to help me unpack shopping and put the chair away, but later its like a switch goes off and she reverts to speaking to me about Sam.

Thank you Sunny so much, I will definitely read them and hopefully they will help as I need all the help I can get with this, I just hope when the doctor comes round she sees what I get and gives her something to help, and IIl will mention a urine test to her as well for this.

Thanks Guys much appreciated.

Take Care of yourselves

Samantha
Samantha I had this all the time with my Mum; she recognised me as "Sue" but not her daughter "Sue". I was frequently told "You'll have to leave now my daughter is due home from work anytime" along with "my daughter works in Bahrain" - where she got that one from heaven only knows, probably saw a programme on TV !

The other "you're not my daughter" conversation would occur when she had reverted back to her youth and would insist that she wasn't married, let alone old enough to have a daughter ! Looking back now I can see the funny side, but at the time the emotional toll (on me) was very hard. I coped easily with the physical side of caring but not the emotional side, many's the time I cried myself to sleep.

I had a friend who was going through the same thing with her Mum; when her Mum would say "where is my daughter?" she would tell her she had gone shopping and then leave the house herself. After a quick walk round the block she would let herself back in and call out "I'm home Mum" - invariably Mum would recognise her as her Daughter and proceed to tell her about the stranger who had been there. I did try this a few times with my Mum, but it didn't work every time.

I did try Sunnydisposition's trick of using photographs, but that didn't work often - I think she had a picture of me in her mind from when we were both a lot younger (she was 88 and I was 65 when she passed away) and I didn't "fit" that picture any longer.
susieq wrote:
Mon Mar 02, 2020 9:37 am
Samantha I had this all the time with my Mum; she recognised me as "Sue" but not her daughter "Sue". I was frequently told "You'll have to leave now my daughter is due home from work anytime" along with "my daughter works in Bahrain" - where she got that one from heaven only knows, probably saw a programme on TV !

The other "you're not my daughter" conversation would occur when she had reverted back to her youth and would insist that she wasn't married, let alone old enough to have a daughter ! Looking back now I can see the funny side, but at the time the emotional toll (on me) was very hard. I coped easily with the physical side of caring but not the emotional side, many's the time I cried myself to sleep.

I had a friend who was going through the same thing with her Mum; when her Mum would say "where is my daughter?" she would tell her she had gone shopping and then leave the house herself. After a quick walk round the block she would let herself back in and call out "I'm home Mum" - invariably Mum would recognise her as her Daughter and proceed to tell her about the stranger who had been there. I did try this a few times with my Mum, but it didn't work every time.

I did try Sunnydisposition's trick of using photographs, but that didn't work often - I think she had a picture of me in her mind from when we were both a lot younger (she was 88 and I was 65 when she passed away) and I didn't "fit" that picture any longer.
What did you say to that, when she said you had to leave Susan?

Your reply is exactly the situation with my mother, she seems to see two of us, i really is terrible when the one you love keeps seeing someone fictitious and even worse as she mentions she's really worried about her, but there isn't much you can do to put her mind at rest, she just ask do I see her or do I know who she means and all I can say is no.

I stupidly thought I put her mind at rest this afternoon as I explained to her this afternoon that her mind is making her imagine someone else and she seemed to except that and recognised it was in her head, but alas later this evening that doesn't seem the case. I think you dead right Susan its like she's got an image of me in her head and thats it, as she used to say you're not the Sam I remember, which i think is kind of sad really and I think sometimes she's stuck in a time warp as far as I am concerned.

It's really good you had a friend who was experiencing the same as you at the time, that prob helped you, sometimes I wish I did as i think others say the right things and listen but they don't understand really unless they have been through it, thats why I think this forum is good for people that don't have anybody to turn to.
Hi sam
my name is toni I am caring for my mum who has memory loss she hasn’t been diagnosed she is waiting for an appointment at memory clinic. I get days where I feel out of my depth she still knows me at the moment but thinks I am living with her and when I say I am going to my house she get really anxious and she doesn’t recognise her home and thinks she was moved in two weeks ago she has lived in her home for 60 years she couldn’t find the bathroom the other day. Yesterday was a bad day for me she was ok I just felt so alone and with the covid-19 isolation think made me more worried. And really know how hard it is for you but you really are needed by your mum and even like you say we have to go along with what they say it does become very very difficult to keep answering the same question over and over, be kind to
To you and be safe.
Hello Sam and Toni! You sound like you both have similar concerns.

Dementia is a horrible illness. My Mum has it and it is just awful. This coronavirus just makes it worse because people who are trying to cope at home have a terrible time with no respite at all.

My Mum is in a care home but I normally visit her every other day. I also water her plants, cut and paint her nails, wash and cut her toenails, take her nice knitwear home to wash, collect her hearing aid batteries etc etc. So still a lot to deal with. I can no longer visit due to lockdown but tried Facetime and she just cried her eyes out. Very distressing. I just send her cheerful cards now.

I am afraid forgetting faces and where they are is very common and it’s hard to deal with. I often heard myself saying to my Mum “you must remember so and so” and as soon as I say it I know I have said the wrong thing.

I hope you both get a diagnosis for your loved ones and get some support. I would recommend a book called The Little Girl in The Radiator .... you may get one on Ebay or Amazon. Xx