-
- Member
Wed Jul 07, 2021 9:24 am
Hi everyone,
This is my first post but I have been reading threads online for a while and have found them so helpful.
I just want to share what’s been happening with me as I feel so alone and overwhelmed by the events of the last 16 months.
To keep it brief, I experienced a cancer relapse in April last year and was in active treatment for seven months as the chemotherapy kept failing. Meanwhile, my dad who is 81 and lives by himself in a 3rd story flat in a remote part of north Wales, has been deteriorating both cognitively and physically. I am an only child, couldn’t travel and relied on a cousin and neighbours to support my dad, but it was clear that he was just getting worse. It was the middle of covid and we weren’t getting anywhere with his gp in terms of extra support and he wasn’t cooperating with getting a further care assessment, though he was already registered for attendance allowance. I tried to persuade him to give me - or someone- power of attorney but he refused point blank. Then in April this year he fell at home and the neighbour found him. Goodness knows how long he’s been lying there because by this stage he’d clearly become very confused in his own thinking. So he was taking too hospital where he’s been for the last two and a half months. He has osteoporosis, fractured spine, pressure sores, some sort of undiagnosed movement disorder (possibly Parkinson’s). He’s been assessed twice by the CPN who noted that he will need a memory clinic appointment after discharge and that she is unsure if he has the capacity to make decisions. I don’t think he has based on my twice daily phone calls with him. He seems to think he’s in a hotel and thinks he’s based in the house he lived in 30 years ago. Some days are better than others with his memory. The hospital started pushing hard for him to be discharged as they really need the bed. A social worker is involved and she’s been trying to find him a care home near where he lives as the OT has said it’s not safe for him to go back to his flat. So last Wednesday dad told me that someone had been to see him and given him information about costs of moving into a care home etc and he had no clue what to do with this information. I’ve been in touch with his social worker and she didn’t know about it either. Apparently the hospital took the initiative and arranged a room in the care home near them. That’s understandable but I really feel they should have kept me informed and I’m worried that he’s going to be asked to sign papers that he doesn’t understand. And as I don’t have power of attorney there’s little I can do, especially as he’s yet to have a formal dementia diagnosis. So to top it all off I had a phone call from the hospital yesterday to tell me that he’s going to be moved to the care home today. I feel absolutely terrible. I haven’t seen him for over a year now, even though I’ve been calling him every day. I’m crying my eyes out right now as he’s going to have to do this move by himself without any support. I know logically there’s nothing I could have done when my own health was so poor but I still feel full of guilt and that I’ve let him down.
I don’t expect any of you to be able to suggest anything, but I just needed a place to share my feelings. I’m divorced and live by myself so have felt very lonely this past year.
This forum has helped me realise that there are others who have struggled with their parents care, and that has been some comfort.
Thank you for reading.
This is my first post but I have been reading threads online for a while and have found them so helpful.
I just want to share what’s been happening with me as I feel so alone and overwhelmed by the events of the last 16 months.
To keep it brief, I experienced a cancer relapse in April last year and was in active treatment for seven months as the chemotherapy kept failing. Meanwhile, my dad who is 81 and lives by himself in a 3rd story flat in a remote part of north Wales, has been deteriorating both cognitively and physically. I am an only child, couldn’t travel and relied on a cousin and neighbours to support my dad, but it was clear that he was just getting worse. It was the middle of covid and we weren’t getting anywhere with his gp in terms of extra support and he wasn’t cooperating with getting a further care assessment, though he was already registered for attendance allowance. I tried to persuade him to give me - or someone- power of attorney but he refused point blank. Then in April this year he fell at home and the neighbour found him. Goodness knows how long he’s been lying there because by this stage he’d clearly become very confused in his own thinking. So he was taking too hospital where he’s been for the last two and a half months. He has osteoporosis, fractured spine, pressure sores, some sort of undiagnosed movement disorder (possibly Parkinson’s). He’s been assessed twice by the CPN who noted that he will need a memory clinic appointment after discharge and that she is unsure if he has the capacity to make decisions. I don’t think he has based on my twice daily phone calls with him. He seems to think he’s in a hotel and thinks he’s based in the house he lived in 30 years ago. Some days are better than others with his memory. The hospital started pushing hard for him to be discharged as they really need the bed. A social worker is involved and she’s been trying to find him a care home near where he lives as the OT has said it’s not safe for him to go back to his flat. So last Wednesday dad told me that someone had been to see him and given him information about costs of moving into a care home etc and he had no clue what to do with this information. I’ve been in touch with his social worker and she didn’t know about it either. Apparently the hospital took the initiative and arranged a room in the care home near them. That’s understandable but I really feel they should have kept me informed and I’m worried that he’s going to be asked to sign papers that he doesn’t understand. And as I don’t have power of attorney there’s little I can do, especially as he’s yet to have a formal dementia diagnosis. So to top it all off I had a phone call from the hospital yesterday to tell me that he’s going to be moved to the care home today. I feel absolutely terrible. I haven’t seen him for over a year now, even though I’ve been calling him every day. I’m crying my eyes out right now as he’s going to have to do this move by himself without any support. I know logically there’s nothing I could have done when my own health was so poor but I still feel full of guilt and that I’ve let him down.
I don’t expect any of you to be able to suggest anything, but I just needed a place to share my feelings. I’m divorced and live by myself so have felt very lonely this past year.
This forum has helped me realise that there are others who have struggled with their parents care, and that has been some comfort.
Thank you for reading.